"No, you can't win this war, that is why you had me turn away from God even when you already know you are defeated."
Today is the forth day of struggling the effect of the aftermath of the deceiver's tongue, I truly admitted that I am defeated, because I am vulnerable and I left God alone, it was I deserted Him, where is my respect for the old man? The greatest lesson for me is still the same thing that I have to learn, my life lesson, the lesson on fearing the right person, the lesson to fear God. This morning when I wake up somehow I realize that God was asking me :"How much do you love me?" The same question Jesus asked Simon, I am like Simon at first, proud enough to say I will follow where ever Jesus goes, yet Jesus said to Simon that he will deny him three times when people ask whether Simon knows Jesus. The same emotion, the same feeling that I had just like Simon once had, the bitterness, the feeling of being weak, the feeling that there is so much lessons I need to learn, there are too many things that I don't know, childish, immaturity, stubbornness and guilty. Then I heard a question: "Where were you Thomas? Where is the fire you once had?""Do not carry the anger with you!" Unable to fear God = Pride. I am prideful of myself, if I wasn't complacent why when my friend said I am complacent I reacted? From the reaction I know, I do need to accept that I am complacent, one enough to steal myself away from God and even God asking where am I.
I struggled and prayed, I prayed for strength, wisdom and heart to concentrate on my studies, no God may have answered me, I am too busy to make myself emotional so I missed out what God is ready to give. Maybe I already receive the gift, and I was too busy on my own things those gift hidden from me. I hide it, and don't know where I keep it. I was keep on bombarding by a verse John 14:27. But I did not use it, it was more pain and hurt when you know the truth and unable to use it, the feeling is unable to accept one's weakness and lay down everything before Christ. I'd wrong, again the same mistake same shame same pride. How many times that I have to remind myself to be humble, gentle and patient? Answer is : Always.
I admit that I do have improvement, other people see me changed, become more joyful, giving and loving. Not shame to say that there are more people attracted to me too, I see their respond towards my changes. Now the challenge is to stand up right here, right now and start doing. I do concern about when I am emotional and irrational, my presence give impact to the people around me, the people who once attracted to me. This kind of emotion is destructive, it destroyed my friendship with someone before, and it comes to destroy me again. The devil knows I am vulnerable on this, and he make this my open wound, like putting acids on your cuts.
I should eliminate my problems one by one, though I am still fearful, but I should direct those fears towards God then I will attain wisdom. I should not use my own understanding about what is going on, just do whatever that is pleases God for sure, keep on doing it. I should have a simple faith, do look in front, in the future focus on things that I can do to glorify God's name. There is a lot more things that I needed to learn so let it be. I pray that I will keep God's command and let Him rule my life, then God will help me walking into the right path that He wants me to walk on. I'm sure the devil having fun see me being defeated, but fun came with price, God will make Him pay one day. Abba Father, today I want to declare I want to re-commit myself into your hands, lead me and guide me on. There is only you not me, I shall be a humble servant for in the kingdom of God need not heroes, they needed great leaders only. In fact there is only one hero that is Jesus Christ Himself. This civil war soon will be over, lets rebuild the cities that had been destroyed. Let my hands work for God's glory only. Amen.
"I keep telling you don't play that game to me alright? I am not a sloth, and I am not lazy or tired, because little Thomas in me been attack and you poisoned him, what should I call you "Druglord"? Well leave us alone druglord, stop poisoning him, you know always whenever you attack me, I generate new kinds of antibody and the same attack will leave me a little effect, you know what? God is blessing all the way that I can did this to resist you. And I think I had been wrong not to judge you by believing you are the full darkness and 100% lie and sinner. God teach us to love our enemy and he is right, because when I love you, I know more about you and I learn to become more like myself because of you, thanks anyway. Yes, the world is bais for you and you make us believe it. I couldn't believe you keep using me to destroy myself, and I had struggle for 2 days but I say not today, well congradulation you successfuly own me for 2 days. Well this is fearful right? Because I really scared to offend some big guy like you that is strong and powerful, I'm sorry but you can't harm me because God is with me, and I am sorry that God has planned a big humiliation for you. What are you trying to prove? Human are destuctive? Evil? No, you trying to make us believe that. Does that sounds like what has been in your mind for centuries? Look that is the problem, because you keep on telling lies, and you don't even want to admit it that what you're thinking in your mind and that is the truth. You can't be straight don't you? Well, I am sorry I offended you today, but this a war you will always hunting for me and I will just keep myself running from you. You know you wouldn't have me, so you try to use myself against myself, you try to make me own myself fully right? No, I am for God and for God alone, sounds bais to you? Its pretty much that you are telling me God is also bais for me, yes, it is but I rather bais under God rather than you leech. Don't ever steal my energy again, and thank for teaching me a new word, enfeeble."
I am affraid chellenging my enemy, I am fearful of what I did today, because I fear that this war is going to be more intense than I can handle. The more when I step into the world of darkness the more I feel I needed God's protection. This time is my enemy set sail cross the Rubicon to attack me, and this time counted as an ambush. Human are not different than sheep, they are naive, thought that they are strong they know everything, but they know nothing about what they ought to know. This world is not bais, and only the truth came wisdom, only the truth makes people joyful and God is the truth. People always goes against us Christians, why? This is a reaction of denial, reaction formation, a defense mechanism I use to learn in psychoanalysis. The counseling process may be pathological, and no one can measure the strenght of our believe system, when they believe the lie, then the lie will be the truth for them. Beware of the wolverines, they eat sheep. Don't let the lie guide you into their mouths. Living a life must live it with acceptence of what we really are, and the acceptence of truth.
"Please my dear enemies, don't do this anymore, is it that you say it is bais because what God says and it will happens? He say the devil is here to kill, steal and destroy, and this the more you do you prove Him right. Then what are you trying to prove? You can't prove God inexistence, because He is with us everyday, you can't prove human as powerful in destruction, because we are not design for violence. And you putting all those lies infront of us and I am impress that you successfully twist a person to become your desciple, but not everyone. What I trying say is that where there is the more reaction arise, the more closer to the truth we got. The book purpose driven life spell it well, the more we walk closer to God, the more intense our spiritual warfare it will be. Please leave me alone my dear enemies. The heart of wolverines sounds powerful, but it reflect the savage of wolverines that canibalize infront of us sheep. I heard you howls, and I am alert, sounds magically empowered, but it is decieving. I just can't trust you."
Today is another intergration day for me, after finishing the first paper and added some frustration, the psyche energy in me going dry. I couldn't afford to stop my work and enjoy myself and relax for a while, I don't know why this time I choose to do something incongruence to me again? Why I let myself to be torture like putting my head on a butcher's chopping block? This is abstract statement right? My head is full of trash right now, I can't concentrate or should I say I focusing in the wrong thing.
I am driven by fear, guilt, pride, and other toxins, where my mother lable them as overly confidence. The anxiety in me increase as the day goes nearer toward the examination for my second paper which is my last paper in this semester. The only reason I can't go on is because there is trash in my head, I got to throw it out, and my energy is very low right now, I had whole day rested yesterday and sleep until 10 am today and later had a siesta from 2 - 6 pm probably slept for whole day. After enjoying Bak Kut Teh at Malim Nawar, still I haven't recover those lost psyche enegy, I can't find the evidence of why am I low in battery, so I can't blame anything just to accept. Frustration become more real when I can't recall what have I done yesterday morning and afternoon. I just remember the Christmas party I attended last night and watched movie till 4am. I think this is an overlay across my energy limited usage, I'm under the threshold level. It was a happy night yesterday, but why I have to suffer "blurring effect" afterwards?
I am weak now, when I did not refer my case to God I will dry up, and whenever I say I don't like depending on someone else to do things, I am enfeebled. I want to find out what is the real meaning of being independence. That reminds me about Jeremiah's verse (Jeremiah 17:7) say we shall make God our confidence, this mean we are depending on God to be confidence, does confident come not from our own? Whenever I say God is bais, I am enfeebled, feel like muscles raptured out and I can't make a single move. Thought this is just an illustration and metaphore, don't think that it happens for real, I like to symbolize things, makes me feel I am analytical. I don't like giving concrete statements, it makes me bored. I think reader like illustrations more than reading the facts, because it make people feel it when they read it. Illustration makes a story sounds not the facts.
"Lord, when can I fully use my time and energy sufficiently to study? Am I not doing what is it that pleases you? Did you not put me here to study? Did you not put me here to use study to glorify your name? Did I do something wrong that makes you angry or have I forsaken you because I focus too much on bodily strenght? Please Lord, I wasn't demanding anything from you, but it is the only way to do thing and that is to rely 100% in your strenght and your purpose. Forgive me Lord whenever I sins against you, deliver me out of temptation, when I am strong in you, Lord help me to humble down myself. I am not good in pastorial care nor hospitality, I mourned to take care of people yet sometimes I am reluctant to give. I don't even possess the ability to lead myself and take care of myself well, how can I do it to others. Yes, thank you Lord I admit that whenever I helped people, that is when I using your strenght to do it, and the people I helped see me handsomely. Teach me lord, what should I do to make you happy? In Jesus name. Amen."
"Thomas! You have been overly playful, if you play a little lesser at home you would probably reach your target!" - Super-ego
"No, it was I who give you people pressure, I just have made the target too high for you both to reach, so please stop blaming each other." - Ego
"What? If I am not relaxed at first there wouldn't be a yesterday, and there wouldn't be a 28.5/40 coursework marks okay!?!" - ID
See that? They are arguing again, then who was the killer in this statement? For me I wouldn't judge the ID rather want to give my credit to ID, because if it wasn't him provide the strenght to pursue on learning and supplies the psyche energy, probably I am in another depression by now. No, I have successfully maintain my last target as I was in 3.222 GPA last semester and I am confident enough I will do it again, but for the sake of getting into first class honours, and turning the loan into scholarship and use it to buy an electrical piano for my church, 3.222 is not enough. That is why I put my target in this short semester to get at least a 3.8 GPA and above to drag the CGPA up the ladder. There was another arguement in me saying, "Thomas, you say your prayers aren't demanding, but let me ask you, will you buy an electrical piano for the church if you don't get the scholarship?" Sounds somewhat true for me, this is not about the result of my studies, it was about offering a piano for the church, how willing am I to give? Then I tell myself "Do I have the ability to do that? I mean without a scholarship I have no money. I can't give the church a piano without money." Sounds very negative right? But most people will say this is common sense. If I turn this statement into positive way, people will say me crazy, well I tell you, Christians is crazy people. God had this a challenge for me, so I will just believe that he will give me, this is for the purpose for his glory and I should do it without fear. I had made this a commitment, a goal and are focusing on it. I desire to give God a piano as a graduation gift and I made this my choice. This is my attitude towards success. Says, the book I read eight months ago came into action. Thanks to Dr. Peter. The ten secrets for success, but I say the ten fruits for success.
Come back to this question: "How much are you willing to give?" Then I will say, "Whether I get the scholarship or not, I will still buy a piano for this church, when I am working and by all means necessary." Does that sounds crazy for you now? Crazy people jump over the wall of obstacles, crazy people believe whatever they do can be done, this is as much as all Christians should be. I'll just take my time to grow.
About the war last past 12 days, it was continual, and the aftermath effect is deminishing when I am here in Kampar. As I had told you, Kampar is a blessed place, a shelther of God, a place which give birth to new babies and new faiths. I was amazed by this place and addicted to God's blessing. That is naive?... The reason I don't like do everything depends on someone including God, was I felt so weak and have no ability for my own. But this problem I had solve a thousand times and yet it still post a treat to me, is it my pride? Unwilling to humble down? Why bother? I had told you I had it right, just like what C.S.Lewis has to say "...when I give up myself to God's personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own." There are fightings ahead of us, the war of the deciever. Remember that our enemy is to steal, kill and destroy. That is the same technique they uses to attack us, same basic movement, they just manipulate the difficulties, create a little bit chaos in you mind, then they win. After this warfare I learn, that our enemy knows us well, knows everything about our weakness and strenght. They make our strenght turn pride and weaknesses become the toxin of our emotional life- e.g. depression. Secrets of living a better than good life is written all over the bible, take time to read it, you will realise it. For example John 14: 27 (ESV) "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." See, let not your hearts be troubled or affraid? That is the secrets.
Am I still Naive? or just I am too proud of myself? Let the time goes past and all stories will tell you slowly who I really was and is.
I meet a failure again today and I take a little time to figure out that I am actually stressed, because I realise that my breath so strong yet still feel like not breathing. Something must be up to making me stress up. Then little Thomas came out and remind me something, that the ID energy reservior is drying up, and it has been incongruence to these few days of holidays, it should be recharging not drying? Then finally I allow myself to relax down and do what I feel it can recharge this energy. That is why I writing this blog here, since every begining of a chapter starts with new challengers, then the leader within is another challenge.
Today I planned to finish at least first chapter of the counseling skill, talking about the counseling relationship. I had made a structure and goals how to move on to get this all input to my mind, but I was stress up easily, where does the energy goes? Feeling like I run out of stamina, this is well explain I did not lead my life well, so stress is all the way coming to attack me. No way, I need to give space for me to relax down and recharge all energy I needed before I start to commence this study plan. Or else it would be wasting time studying.
I know one of the cause that will drain my stamina, that is when I have guilt of sinning against God. Guilt strive all the energy toward itself and draining all positive energy from the host, and it leads to feel reluctant of doing anything. Forgiveness and repentence is important in this practice that you can lead yourselves up not to drain your energy for guilt. Be clear now I have equip myself with patient, kindness and gentle, yet it is not perfect, but im not strive for perfection, I'm just trying to reward myself (this is not an act of selfishness, but self love). Knowing how to appreciate yourself is very important, and knowing your own good and bad is also an advantage for yourself to have a better framework to lead yourselves on how you choose and goes. Sound like decision making right? Yes it is, good leaders are good decision makers.
"Abba Father, please hear my prayers, will you feed my energy? Will you not let your servant sin the same sin again, I do not wanted to do it again, you know what I mean. I often heard the wrong voices, and I thought it was you, please Lord, deliver me out of temptation, I know I have begin to gain wisdom and strenght from you, yet I am still weak, I am sorry that I take things up personally that I didn't do your way. Please, Lord forgive me and help me to change, if I waste up this energy I couldn't focus my strenght on that commitment that I made. I commited to get a 3.5 CGPA when I am graduated just to buy you an electronic piano so that I could serve your call as a musician. May your will be done. Confort your servant Lord, I am sick to feel this terrible pain, I need to have myself back again, sorry for struggled on my own, I should have invite you to war against temptation togather. I am sorry. In Jesus name. Amen."
Today gives me a lot of insights about what will happen in the future when we fully ultilise the time we had now. As I shared before, time sharing is life sharing. Everything you focus on today, when you invest in it, it will happen. This is not a teaching of the law of attraction...
My bike's part been stolen today, and walking to school and back under the rain, I mean what is the big deal, God is our umbrella, I would care so much little rain can't kill us don't we? Today I admit that I did not do well in my presentation, of course it hits my standard but there is still a lot of place where I can still improve. Now only I begins to understand the power of effective leadership. Every piece of chance for me to lead sure left a little lesson behind me. I hope I really didn't miss out any opportunity to learn what has to be learn. W, See Hua, and Min Choo, they are all potent members, i still feel that they are somewhat reserved, their potential was lock in somewhere they don't even see it, but I think a good leadership can push them to do the things in the right focus. I think I do need to be a better leader next time. I apologise to you all because I had not been serving wholeheartedly in this presentation and the report writing.
Why 3.5 starts here? Without a proper management it will not be a 3.5, and I am starting from today, and officially I annouce let the study plan commence. The leader within, is the new lesson I learn recently. You are the leader of your life, if you do not know how to lead yourselves, you can't lead others. Just as Captain of the ship where I use to describe in my blog
I have just finish my timetable where how I am gonna make it happen. God's hand on our shoulders I am looking forward to write more about leader within. It seems I have a new chapter to start already, so much joy and pain coexisted everywhere in this "Chicken soup for a cheerful soul" Thanks to this chapter, I really learn a lot from the old chapter of pain and suffering. See, I told you it makes a difference, when you jot everything happened in yourlife as a dairy, you see how you change and what you learn.
Last time when I wrote about the mark of Friendship in the unity of submission, sincerity, trust and empathy, yet it is still very useful to see how much you love your friends. Friendship is something makes life possible to go on, last time I was going on solo, and I fell. My life change since Miller came in and disarms me and God send him to me, I felt the brotherly love in Him, Miller was someone that the first time I felt God is at work. The friends around him also getting more close together with me, and I can see the differences between Christian friends or should I say friend with Christ love is different. I sense the unity and family spirit among us. Just like westerners define Asians that they are more grouped life rather than individualistic, and this is an advantage of showing our love to everyone around.
I had a struggle of keeping Vri as my friend, because it was incongruence to my actions. My heart recognized her as someone special, and my heart is long to make her my Wife and giving her all the happiness and joy of life. Yesterday when I was on a train traveling back from Putra Jaya to Kampar, I heard a voice tell me to imaging when Vri say: “How much do you love me?” I will just answer her by telling all the stories that we had been through, all those hard times and all those joyous moment together. I will just simply reflecting all our memories and telling her “You know how much I love you in your heart.” As I keep on imagining this, she replied my SMS, that makes me feel somehow we are connected anywhere. But I think if I really keep myself focusing too much on this fantastic moment, it will not come true. I know she had been nice to me nowadays, after the storms had calm down, we proclaim to be friend again after we had an argument for couples of weeks we had silent. I remember every word she is saying, and I receive news from my friend that she has been talking about me. I feel hope again. I know, I have got to move on and growing more Christ like, to be a better man, and as God said to me: “Be Prepared!” It doesn’t mean prepare me to death, but it means everything, be prepare for everything that has to come, prepare me to live, including the coming of Christ that I may save some sheep for Him, that I become a better man that I could take care of the brothers and sisters around me and also mean that I prepare myself to give a happy life for Vri. After so many incidents, and happenings, I felt that I need to improve myself to get to it, or else I will stay stagnant and soon this plan will be distorted. I have to commit myself to be prepare, ready myself to take care of people.
Why I put this love story in this passage? It wasn’t just love story, can’t you see how we well can do while we love each other in the name of friendship? I did I my heart had put her as my wife, but in the reality I have to work it just as Jacob work for Rachael for 14 years, the future mind already set up, now is the time to work in the NOW to make the future happen. Within these years we are friends, friendship is the time for both of us to be prepared for each other, to dig out the true self within, because we need to live without mask when we are married. When I imagined on the train, I can’t recall enough what has been through for both of us, this means I do not know well yet, and it sounds it is just too early to start a dating relationship, though now we are better friends, but it not the time yet. Only true friend can be great life partners, strangers become friends, friend become best friend, and best friend become my girlfriend and my girlfriend become my wife. It is how life is going. I’m pretty sure our level friendship still is remaining in the friend level, and I am working on to make her my best friend.
Friendship is to train up how you love people, a time to prepare yourselves to take care of other people, and prepare to build up a family, a time to prepare you to be yourself. Thanks to Eunice’s quote: “I will just ask you to let me be me.”
Do you still remember the last time when I use to say that God bring me to a place where it is like a dessert? He showed me the clear path rather than walking in some bushes which is full of danger? Now, this place changes just like my life changed. The piece of sandy ground after days and days of raining, it became a greeny field, full of grass and it was a miracle that it grow so evenly that looks like it is flat. Wonderful things happening around me all the day, just need to take time to realise that God is so great and wonderful to us, his grace and mercy everyday is new!
Yesterday I got a friend say she was worried about what will she become after baptized in the name of the Father, the son and the holy spirit. Well, baptizing for me is like a marraige, an affirmation of love and commitment that one had on each other. I was worried too when I decide whether or not to be baptize that early, because I had a wrong perception on baptizing. I thought that baptized was to do something with salvation, no. I was wrong, whether a person baptized or not there is nothing to do with salvation, because salvation is not earned, God's grace make it possible for us. Now only is the time I truely understand what baptize is, but not fully yet. I was inspire again by the word of C.S. Lewis, he says: " The more we let God take us over, the more truely ourselves we become - because he made us. He invented all the different people that you and I were intended to be... It is when I turn to Christ, when I give up myself to His personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own. " This words I hope everyone who are reading this will inspire you. I always waited for the opportunity of sharing how much I know and how much I care for another person, yesterday was one big opportunity God don't want me to miss. By sharing out my love, the more wisdom I could obtain. No one will really know how much you know until you really care for them - not care about them. The lesson of Love is really wonderful beyond my description, I admit that when I have love, the world is gonna change.
I am still affraid of what is going to happen tomorrow, though I didn't worry about my death, but there is a greater commission that I haven't fulfill yet. Remember what my prayer is? " God, whether I get anything else done today, I want to make sure that I spend time loving you and loving others - because that is what life is all about. I don't want to waste this day. " Will I show the world what love really is and how it will change everyone's world? I don't know, whenever I talk about this, it reminds me about what my purpose is while living in this world. My purpose is - To live as a blessing of many. I just keep on thinking, what God will have me do later, tomorrow, and the days to come. But I guess the best way is still not to think too much, let God tell you when the time is ready. The same old thing I heard from God is : " Thomas, Please wait. " waiting for the timing of God. Well this passage is gonna be a long long run. It will continues until who knows where? I think I will stop here and wait for God's timing. I recall a bible verse from Ecclesiates 3: 1-8.
我看今天神拼命要我学习这一个功课，就是学习忍耐。早上和朋友们打篮球然后去吃早餐。这个星期我吃超量的食物，吃啊吃啊，不知有肺了吗？这几个星期里我的生活过得多姿多彩，很烦忙的几个星期，但是过得很有意义。就很神奇的觉得神在梦中叫我要有忍耐的心，吃完早操后，约书亚（Joshua）和米勒（Miller）, 回到家坐下来谈起忍耐的功课。我对事就比较无耐，我不能等把一件事情做完，对人呢就比较好一点。
刚才打了一通电话给ah Hee, 我真得气到爆。为什么我们上了大学还会有这样不专业的捕导师（tutor)。事情终有解决的方式，只是要或不要做而已。我终是觉得她做事没有责任感，现在是学生重要还是她的自私比较重要？
不能了，我对他没有信任感的。我也失去了我的耐心了。
算了，再生气也没用，one way or by another, either side have to sacrifice.
现在把所有的presentation slide准备好就算了。看来3.5CGPA变成了一个幻觉而已。
不管了，晚餐也是要吃的就去了吃steamboat。这是我第一次在金宝吃到这么饱。
We travel through Malim Nawar then go past Sime Derby Palm oil estate. We reach a little Fu Zhou Kampung one out of 48 if I'm not mistaken, we stop by and we eat Fu Zhou Luo Mee a lot of sea food lo wowowo... and add some vinegar delicious man only cause RM 2. 
Then we continue the journey...We arived to Pangkor Terminal Jetty !! Then we travel by ferry... For around 30 minutes, we arrive to the other side of the jetty on Pnagkor. We get 2 vans to fetch us go to visit some place first. Yeah!!
Our first stop, Dutch Port where in the history, the Pangkor War during 16 centuries that Dutch only used 60 elite militia to guard this post. This place where said to keep tin resources there, raise unsatisfaction of the Malays then started a conflict there.
Well next stop somewhere inside we call the "money hole" (钱洞). We all go there say "fatt ya! 发财呀！" Well we saw a half faced stone on that hill and a big 缘 writting on a gaint stone wakaka ^.^
Next we go makan at some native "warung" we all ate maggie goreng, mee goreng, and also kuey toew goreng, wow, its delicious also ma. Though it was a little bit spicy, but boleh tahan la. After we eat we straight bear foot walking towards one of the nice spot for us to water sporting !!
