The enemy of my enemy is my friend

Have you ever heard a word saying the enemy of my enemy is my friend? And have you ever heard another saying "Your closest friend is your worst enemy." My dear Thomas, what a nightmare you dreamed last time emerge again, just like the tooth fairy in bed time story that haunted your soul until you are already a grown up? The fear strucks and my skin freeze, not a muscle in my limb moves. I was stunted. The ghost from the past is still haunting me now. My most fearful enemy is myself, the ghost I've always fear to solve its riddle has come back to urge me give answer to it. The fear of being watch and critique. The fear of not doing it right then next sounds of laughter and the tongue of malice disgust me. The fear stops me from getting what I need. I needed growth, I needed to learn how to cope with my leadership skill problem. I needed to learn how to manage people and task well. In the process I needed a monitor, a watchman to coach me but I fear being watch. Still why am I so hang up onto my own perfectionism?

A surface relationship doesn't hurt you much as they don't mean so much to you. The most hurt is when it is afflicted in a deeper relationship. As I always feared that when I associate other people I feared leading them. I always or rather being led type, though I am full of thoughts and observant but not as observant as when I leading something. Why does these 2 things doesn't come together? Be very observant while leading. If led some organization that the people I not really know them, when it fails it hurts but very little and the organization disperse. No further relationship build. But not this time, I am leading my own kin. The people whom I call them family, and not just any family but the family of Christ. There is no room for me to fear now, no space for resentment, no turn around but going forward. Because I know God is giving this opportunity for me to learn how face the haunting ghost in me. The riddle couldn't be easy to solve but it can be solve, it takes experiences and time to learn it and acquire it.

Indeed fear is my enemy and become avoidance to face problem also is my enemy, but fear is the enemy of my enemy then fear is my friend. It is signal for me turn on the brain towards growth. Thanks for that creation.

Your hurt I felt it too

A relationship doesn't cure your loneliness, if you are seeking for a date to cure that you are digging two graves. Temptation not always clear that it is temptation, and because of this it gives reason for us to fall in it. Its a large mine field out there and we are crossing it, hang on dear life I told myself. If I fall short of string, I will tie a knot before it runs out. Same goes to relationship, it goes two ways, you and the other you are having relationship with. Friends, dates and whatever. Those loneliness is a feeling that we are depriving for the care of others and sense of belongingness, they wanted to be loved. Therefore a lot of young people like you and I were searching for this cure of loneliness by making up dating relationships. Again they were digging themselves graves. Loneliness will not be cure, because it is a source of motivation to drive us to search for fellowship with other people, the healthy "mitwelt" that Rollo May spoke off (The relationship with others). Loneliness' impulse can be diluted while enjoying companionship with others such as friends and family. It was because the world is lacking of love, people like you and I being deceived that love only can be found in a BGR. It is a big illusion. Not until you rise up and take a look on top above the sky to your condition now, you are actually walking into your death traps. Its hurt and painful at first, but it didn't kill you. So there were a saying, if it didn't kills me it makes me stronger.

Youngster in BBMC, was way too far that they know God personally. I saw a great gap between me and them, I admit I did grow up, and with full of expectation that once they were better than me should be more mature then me spiritually. It wasn't what I expected, they are too surface... the fellowship, the relationship with God is not there... its isn't there. Sadly I had to confront this to the advisor and she (Vanessa) tell me to keep them in prayer so that they will grow up. I tell to God it wasn't my responsibility to rise them, and it is impossible for to do so, but still I felt for God that these people carries a life testimony of their experiences with God and they are the one who had great plans from God that they will be use by him. My friend told me that I have a shepherd heart, and I think I should preserve this mentality that captures God's heartbeat, and know his will to become better and more mature.

Next I saw there is a great long path in front of me, the path is full of danger, is full of traps and golds, silvers and jewelries, and yet there are blood stained everywhere. I saw a light in the end of the path but it was dark along the way. I asked how long can I reach the light? God says you need to run through the path I have shown you and let the light be your guide like a direction of where you goes. For that I am sure God is leading me to the right direction, the path wouldn't be easy to maneuver, but the pain caused by the difficulties makes me learning and it gives meaning to live and the undeniable truth of living as a process of making oneself better and better, one which is sin lesser and more holy and perfect. Christ has given us the image.

Boundaries in Dating

I am not going to write a full review of this book, but I am going to tell how useful it is as for Christian's dating life.

The sudden rushing up passion to know more about boy-girl-relationship (BGR) was started when I heard Pastor Earnest Tan, currently shepherding Bayan Baru Methodist Church (BBMC) introduce the congregation a book: "Kiss dating goodbye" well it inspire me to really desire to know more about dating life which also carries God along and imputing biblical values in it.

The another factor rush me in high was there are a lot more brothers and sisters in my current church are getting into BGR and I am one among them but I know my stand. Therefore I seek the Lord see what He's going to do with this. We had been warn and knowing that if we start any BGR now will risk the ability to serve the Lord and studies too. Indeed dating itself is a risk!

I have finished up to chapter 7, five days after I bought the book. I gain a lot of insight from it and it makes me think a lot of aspect that I probably missed when I examine myself. Still it flash back to the idea that before you can really love someone else you begin to love yourself first. Love itself reflects its aroma to the surrounding, a loving person is naturally attractive. However I am reinforced by this book that a strong friendship is needed before going into something more such as dating and marriage. Another thing I am reassure is that ourselves is the core of making the relationship last and blooming, we should examine ourselves the values we had, attitude, behaviour, levels of EQ, unfinished business from the past, your relationship with yourself and etc. Another insight had made me firm about what infatuation and love is and their differences. I can't manage to tell all what is in my mind now because it is too much to write here, so I can just explain it in specific context. I hope with this knowledge I can really help out all my brothers and sisters including me about BGR. I really desire to have this wisdom and I wanted to be a teacher as you all know I am becoming a member of Hope Kampar. BGR is my main topic and appears that I had been into a lot of knowledge in it but the not personal experience because I don't even have a dating relationship before.

What important is that we all should bring God along in the date if you were dating.

I am excited and wanted to have a word with Bee Kim when we meet. Its going to be great, and to my love insterest, the is a message to you...: "I am preparing to become a better man and for now I am sure that we best rooting ourselves in love and build it up in a matter of friendship that without romanticizing it and not in a fantasy but in reality."

Today's question:
- Do I really understand what is friendship?
- How do I know I am in a right direction in this relationship?

Quick to listen and slow to talk

I had always been a reserved person and keep my cool. As well you all know I am emotional because it's all store up in me. My style is to listen and find out carefully about things before I even move a finger and my hand. When I talk means it's something I think it's important to ponder at. Sometime my words sounds silly and others couldn't understand, even some myself can't fully understand what I am trying to say, it's in my head how I interpret it into human language?

"Don't jump to conclusion!" my dad yells at me last time and this teaching I remember it till today. I had a long time lesson to learn it. Therefore I choose to listen rather than speaking out more. I believe things work as it is carried out a practical work else just talking is left. I have lesser faith in talking, only actions speaks louder than words.

"Do you love serving the Lord?" My mom asked in all the sudden. I say: "Yes, I do, why are you asking that?" Then she post me another question: "Your friend (Vri)... um... did she loves serving the Lord as much as you?" Then I explained: "You mean Vri? Oh... Sure there is a difference between the spiritual level. So it is not important to know about how much she loves to serve the Lord as much as I. Everyone different mom. I am sure we will facilitate each other's spiritual growth and take ownership alone with God. Because our ultimate goal is still maturing to become more Christlike." Then she said: "Your father talk to me as if you already had a girlfriend so I am checking on you, how you see it."

Recently my father become another person that I don't even really know him at all. Is it this changes cause by his retirement? Because he had jumped to conclusion where I already have a girlfriend but actually I have none. I don't even have one dating relationship at all till now, though I am desiring for it, but none has succeed. All to me my father is like an intimate stranger. I wouldn't say it was a tragic consequences of that he has been a authoritarian parent and very judgemental and volcanic temper. He is now a slept volcano, and when he got serious the fear from the past arises that still haunts my heart. If I figure this out earlier than this, I would have over come it. All we need is just a talk, a man to man talk. There is a lot more things he knows that I don't and things I do he don't, despite all these differences I see uniqueness that we have a lot of thing in common because I really see that the importance of learning from each other.

Its getting in a hurry to grow up more mature... Lets pick up the works and get it done. Now matter how people thinks as long as I know it pleases God and it is blibical and it is right I will do it. It doesn't makes me a holy person if I do so, I just sin less, that is what I wanted to point out.

17 May 2010

OOOOOOOOOOO..... Why you wake me up during my hybernating season haiz... but lots to see lots to do... I know I know, I should wake up from that cooling bed, in fact is not that cool either because the air is so hot! I get sweat when I sleep, sounds... HOT HOT and HOT!

By the way I'm not use to write my blog in this matter... I think I just got a little too outta my mind. Anyway I just wanna to update you guys what had happened for the last week while I am at so call hybernation period. First when I came back to Penang the first though was to revise all those theories of personality before going in year 2, but it wasn't goes like what it sounds. Well I kicked up with my old pal Simon who currently studying in UTHM, Batu Pahat, Johor... Haiz I never knew he could ended up like this... I mean not his studies, still scoring 3.7~3.9 GPA every semester. He start smoking and broken off so many relationships. Most of all he forsaken God! He left and never go back to any church and he told me he tried even Catholics churchs, and Gospel hall and he say its never help. So suggest that he can find the kind of love and belongingness in Hope Batu Pahat. So I called up Hei Ling to get him. The next I prayed everyday for him in my devotion, because I believe prayer is AWSOME! and powerful because God is able and never dissapoint me. So I made a prayer that he will soon be change by God and I wanted to see him changing and that become a living witness for everyone to see our Almighty God is at work! I wanted to use his story to be a living example of how God change a smoking person and mature in relationship building. These is because I see him as God has wonderful plan for him, because if he were abbandon by God how still be well blessed studies and intelligence? I mean see his result already know...

Next is my mother's mother's day! She prayed that I will come back from Kampar ASAP that after my exam I will just come back and that is the largest Mother's day gift from God she said. Then miraculously that I called up to her that I am coming home at 9may straight after her prayer! OMG is so great! I love to see his will to be done, I hope to see his plan carried in me proceed to success. I want to see his plans success! How wonderful it is.

Next ---> Last sunday I attend morning service, Ps. Earnest shared a message Facing the Gaints: Hurt. It is very useful and I still remember clear what he says right now. Next is that he introduce a book name: "Kiss dating Goodbye" A good book, writen under christian context. This book is a pre-requisite knowledge before pursuing a relationship. But I dint manage to get one because it is lend from the library, so I thought I can get one from the book store. So I travel down Pulau tikus to one stop and bought one, but different writer different book but same context. "Boundaries in dating" I wish to learn more about it so I can share things about that and ascend my knowledge on how to respond to these kind of situation. Ohh.... I actually in love with someone, but I know is not the time so not right or wrong to supress those feeling but ultimately I need to know that we can just be friends now. Thank God for this insight.

Update you guys later. I am trying to make this blog become a testimony blog. Hoping God bless this page and many are encouraged with the stories.

Level up!

I finally understand the nature that God has designed in me. As just now I learn about King David, I listened to a song name Hallelujah by Rufus how vulnerable human is, even as a friend of God that pleases Him all the time had a time to fall in the trap of temptation. I did not only learn his stories but also I learned his personality, the emotional energy God channel in him. I have this gift too, God makes me rich of emotion so that I can feel truly how people feel and that gives advantage for me to show empathy in my daily life. Emotion is my biggest treasure, and I am going to use this to glorify God. No doubt I am a noveltic person, I always think that I have the ability to compose new songs. To feel the right thing in a right time is very important, and so I will keep on praying for the Godly emotion to winds up the things that I do.

Just now all the sudden I recalled a song from this movie series, "静静的" and this song brings to watch the last episode of the series. I fully drown myself into their condition and realize the life of each and everyone around us is so fragile. We can't tell what is going to happen tomorrow, this changes my perception on myself and also my perception on peoples around me. Yesterday morning, Yin Hao teaches me to see others as they are a part of God's great plan, each serves a purpose in the kingdom of God. Now I see that I should appreciate everyday's living and use it fully for God. I understand the true nature of myself now, my strength is the heart of compassion that for years I tried to suppress and deny. So why not show that compassion everyday to live out the max that God has designed in me? I don't wanted to waste this day, I wanted to love God and love one another each and everyday, I wanted to live as I am going to appreciate everyday God gave me. Time is life, when we waste time we waste life. I had wasted enough, I shall waste no more. Understanding that I might not be able to see someone I know even my existence vanquish all sudden, I will live my life to the max. Christ died to buy us time to fulfill the great commission, don't waste the golden opportunity I had now while I am still breathing. Thank you Lord for what He has given to me. Thank you.

атака!!!

I am on the battlefront! Last Friday I was able to grab everything in my palm in the last three hours and bullshit it on the paper, and how wonderfully it is that I can reproduce all the things in my head into it and I have 100% confidence in what I have write that will surely gain marks. That was just the first blood and there are more to go, the paper "Development Trend in Malaysia" has been a nightmare to me, but I could not deny my God is able! That through the semester I really grab on the things I fear to hold and learn to become more realistic after being in the class. This class post me challenges me to seek the things I try to ignore and I realize that some of my friends too have this problem, to talk about the politics and the disagreement on the policies and the federal constitution, we don't have much authority and power to change anything like that for now, I am sure we will make a difference no matter these things remained there in power of us or not.

I found my courage last night, for so long I feared to come out from my comfort zone and searching for care from another person, instead I seek for opportunity to make another's life a little bit more sweet though it is still bitter. God call us to be salt and light, and I believe once I lost the saltiness but God is able to make that salt whom trampled on salty again, thank God for teaching me how to handle and manage the past in me and how to put down and move on. Thanks to this morning's preaching I am well impress by the work God has done and now come to realization "How great is our God!" Thank you Yin Hao. Courage cost little but commitment cost extra, I really hope that this fire winds up in me will not again goes down and continue fires up, for I know that God is able and willing to support me no matter what circumstances, God is on my side! Then I shall continue leaning on His power and I had a prayer that I wanted to see a change of my life when I continued to seek Him and walked by faith.

To thank God with words are easy but when our action does shows our gratitude the word could means nothing to God, God looks into the obedience in our hearts, not the colourful words that comes out from the mouth. For a long time I did not shout to the Lord the words of thanksgiving and some song that I couldn't allow myself to sing because my heart is not there for God and it makes me feel guilty to sing along because it is a lie I tell to God and myself. For now I witness the greatness of  God and see his great plan in all of us, I truly amazed by His works. I will feed myself spiritual food each and everyday, I will grow according to His will and wonderful plan in me. Thank God, not on my own effort that I come back to Him, but was my God who is great brings me back to His side. Amen?

The next paper is 19 hours from now, better form my garrison and ready for the next battle. I will fight the fight with joy and will continue sing praises to God for God is almighty and worthy to be praise. I am not alone for God has conquered the fears in me and gave me wisdom to climb over the obstacles. This battle was destined to win, because my Lord and God has already won. I will proclaim His victory and glorify His name by doing everything according to His will. For now I will pray and lean on Him. The next paper is Counselling Methods and Techniques I, I hope I prepared well and I will do the best in the final 19 hours to revise every bit of it. I will proclaim God's victory and will glorify God with the result and the attitude I had toward studies and all other things I do. I will obey his command for I started to see the changes done already in my life. Anyhow, this was just the beginning, there is much to go. As the Israelite march out from slavery and wandered 40 years in the dessert and cross the Jordan river in the next generation and conquer the promise land piece by piece, yet God had not leave them and still is the main character of all the wonderful progress He planned to proceed. After the wars, kings raised up, and so on, God is a great story teller and also story creator. I believe God has written the stories about He and us individually, we all have stories to tell, a tale, a legendary or as simple testimony to prove that our God is a living God. Now I see people differently because I acknowledge that everyone beside us carrying a wonderful story behind them because God has written in them.