Take Time to Realize

Have you ever wonder why I had put this song “realize – Colbie Cailliat” - in my spaces.live.com. For so long I did not change it, because it has the meaning that I am telling someone repeatedly. Even recently if she had ever see my personal message on the MSN messenger, I had always there to put some clues to what I have done and my perception on our situation. I hope all the friends around helping us to get along back as soon as possible. I know girls are more sensitive, so I think I am the one who have to give more patient to wait her to realize what I have just realized. I am actually happy that I found my true self back, but she lost hers then make me feel bad. Yesterday I was reading her blog and I was very disappointed of her, and I keep on scolding every line of her words, I keep on saying why? You are not who you are right now, the Vri I know last time already had died. I just hoping that she will realize what is this all about and live again to be like herself once more. I know she had been through a lot of hard time in the past and friendship means a lot for her. I know she still have the phobia of going back church to serve, and this brakes my heart whenever she say she wants to stay the way she is right now, never intended face it. I put a hot head last Friday to push out all those past failures and trouble that hasn’t solve yet for her. But I think I had give her a wrong signal, and fail to see the light of it. She is depressed and have her mask on, she is now stay as Idle mode, she keep on letting her pessimist self controls over her.


For me there is no such things as after declare becoming friends will break the friendship afterwards can go back to strangers. They can be enemy, an intimate enemy. I made myself enemy to her is to reflect her real self and all those escaping things wouldn’t work out. I had became a weird mirror to her, and keep on hurting her and make her lost her patient and trust in me. When she is emotional, it reflect the time when I was like her. I am too very stupid, letting emotion controls over me and emotions make the decision. I thought she was strong enough, but I never expected that she also lost herself too. Again girls are sensitive. I thought she can still stay positive but no. But I thank God that I became more thankful to what the situation has to give me, the lesson of life, appreciation. I never will appreciate something not until I have lost it, just like our friendship. I had never been so concentrate in human relationships not like this, I did not really care about what people feeling and not even myself. After I attained the self love knowledge, I start to see that this love can reflect to others. But it isn’t always happy, I was just too concern about how to get rid of the pessimistic self of her, then eventually ends up like this. Yes, at first I was emotional that day, but afterwards I am using it as a tool to make it up for both us to promote a well-being. That evening I actually nearly wanted to kneel down and beg her become my girlfriend, and my eagerness and selfish desire has over thrown me, but in my heart struggles that because I do not wanted to provoke her to be my girlfriend because I know it is not the time yet, I did not have the qualities that she can accept. I mean if you are her, how can you accept a guy who is childish, lustful, and irresponsible, unable to give security and trust and confidence? Of cause not. Yet I have done it. I break my promise that will not do it but I did it. No wonder she did not wanted forgive me, and perhaps it needs time to shallow it down first.

Now I am still learning something, patience. Patience will do, then I will wait for the right moment to take my moves. During waiting what shall I do? I will prepare myself to become more and more like my real self, and utilize all skills as a part of me. To become a better man. I promise that, I will become a better man. I will give my service to everyone around me, and I had to learn how to put my time in my charge that I will have enough rest, physical educations, academic, spiritual warfare and social world. Deep down God has answered my prayers, I say: “O Lord take my lust away so that I can see what real love to a woman is.” My lust gone now, I see what love can really does, give me the strength to cycle and race before the rain fall and I am able to rush back and give you the vitamin C that heals your immune system. I know you don’t play mind games, so I’ll just say those Kiwi is from me. Health is important as much as your emotional life and spiritual life. I can help you endure it if you let me in. Because now I learn what is the real meaning of friendship, I just manage to build up the level of intimacy, maybe this is what I do best.

How ya doin tonite?

Last night I was having a care group meetings and was planned to have some practice to play some songs for Maggie’s wedding, but I was too tired to do that since they were having “Chicken Wings’” 21st Birthday party or bird-day party. Until 11:30 pm and I was too tired to proceed. My tiredness shows a sad face and I do not want people having party to see me like this. I hope they didn’t notice that. I wish I could have to energy to proceed on because last night was a happy fever time for all of us.

I call up May Way to have myself express out to her, and I share my tiredness with her. Whenever I do this expression thing I will just focus onto myself and makes me feel childish. No, whenever I do self pity is not self loving at all. I always wanted to share that self love is not a selfish act, self love is not about addiction to what you love to do. Self love is taking care of your own well being, and being yourself as much as possible. People who thought that self love is selfish is because they are discouraged, disappointed and most of all, lost track of their true identity. I know some of my friends got this problem and one of them I even have to cut a deep wound in us to make us learn what it is to be having self love. I learn this from my own perspective, because I know pain and suffering is needed for people to learn, and this is a very true nature that we will only appreciate things that we have lost. So why not learning this to become ourselves that are originally not bounded by this nature? Everyone has their own fault and must take their own responsibility of it. I was indecisive? No, I made the choice to brake our friendship is because I wanted both of us to see something, something hidden in the unknown realm of reality. I wanted to open the eyes for myself and also to her, she always think that she can handle changes and emotions very well, but no, I observe it, and I know it. People may think that I am crazy, a mad experimenter. But sometimes we have to lost our minds to make sense of it. Pretty dangerous huh? I already told her that I am a dangerous person to know. Whosever crossing through my life will taste the bitter from my life, if you get closer to me the more you will suffer. Blessed are those who came into me and tried to help me, and then fall emotionally, even until the situation that we called it off. And, blessed are those who has been hurt by me that came back to me and continue to learn from each other, this what make us better friends. If she didn’t forgive me I think I had make her to sin, and this make me feel uneasy, I personally believe her that she can handle this and forgive and then came back as friends, with a stronger bondage. I do not seek for misunderstanding, I just wanted to build up the level of intimacy between friends. Though I have selfish desire to make her my girl, but I already had promised her, and she should trust in me that I will not let this selfish desire win us over.
Another thing I observe from this pit of malice. Women are blessed with this natural instinct is to have the earth under control and this is dominant role for women in the human race. What are they balancing? Naturally they are fearful of following a wrong man, and this will make them regret for the rest of their life here. They are balancing the forces of fertility and nesting. Though they are focused on nesting, but do you see that women has a role to do with men’s well being? Matured women, do reject a man who is childish and they were not themselves and self loving. Why? Because they knew it will not be happy when they both get along. Knight and the princess game were still playing a big role for humanity. Alex shared with me that love comes before everything else, yes he is right about it. What we lack of is to showing this love in the right way. We show our love so that we are acceptable in women eyes, when you have love, it reflect the maturity in you. Do not confuse yourself with lust. When you have love you know how to let go, when you have love you will give, when you have love you will sacrifice, when you have love you will be you. I am sure that I am a better man now, just need more time to practice, because I had already set my auto-pilot course to become more like myself, I did not force the change, I just have used some tools.
Nothing more I can hope that I and her will be friends again, I know and I will let her go, give her time, space, and freedom, that her daily living is not affected by me, when she need help she will call for it, it doesn’t matter who arrive to help her first, as long we are there for her. I said I know what to do, I just need more time to practice. Ok I need to go school now, there is a lot more things I need to learn, thank you for giving me this opportunity to share and learn.

To: My dear friends, and Vri.

Lesson of Vulnerable Emotion - Part 3

Lesson of Vulnerable Emotions – Part 3


Today could be my refreshment day, I know and I learn more about myself, I grow more stronger ever since this incident of vulnerable emotions. I hope she did too, I see this coming when I write the first part of my blog, she will be my victim. I was selfish and did not think about what her feeling is when I am frustrated and weak. She kept everything inside her heart so I couldn’t see whether she really do feel sad when I am sad. I am foolish, not until I realize my action has so much influence on her emotions. I cut her deep when I say: “let’s not be friends.” I did not realized that she was so sincere to help me yet that day I blame her for making me so emotional and lustful. I did not realize it not until I already lost it.

I am aware that every pain and suffering brings new lessons and wisdom to me, so this pain is very valuable and I appreciate it. This is because I had learn to become more like my real self that had been hidden from us, I know who am I, is just that I didn’t put an effort to be like me, this generates negative energy and I reflected it on to her. She not just simply mad at my personality, but she also mad about her self subsequently. I see that and I am aware of that. It is very normal that it happened, and it is very normal that we heal from our pains and learn from it. She hated me for not being confident enough, not active enough, and not firm in decision making, and childish. She don’t like to see a guy who likes her to be like that, he is not giving her the security and the qualities that would make each other happy, how would she accept him? If I were her, I wouldn’t give him a chance not until he learn to become a man who really can take up responsibility. She wanted to see the man who likes her to have love inside him, that he loves himself more so it will reflect the love to the others around. She would like to see a man stands in front of her, giving her comfort when the storm comes. Most of all she wanted to see the man in front of her doing things out of love, and for the sake of both happiness, this is because she will feels love when the man do things sincerely for her, committed, and realistic about raising a home in the future. No wonder she emphasize so much on studies, and don’t wanted that guy to think about her so often, because she don’t wanted that guy to fantasies himself in an unrealistic world of romance only. What she wanted is his heart of loving himself and giving service to everyone around, his friends, her friends, and including her.
I am sorry, and in the same time thank you for what has happened last Friday. I did hope you could recover soon and open your eyes and see the man changed, not because simply for you, but for himself too. When he is who he is, you will feel the difference. That is me. The real me that I wanted to show you. I know it has done already, it is just simply the matter of time, I truly wanted to say I gain maturity and self love after what is going on. For now we might not be friends, but I really hope to see we playing guitars together soon, maybe 3 weeks, 4 or maybe more… I will wait, even I have to wait until we had graduated. I’ll give you peace, and may the Lord’s peace be with you forever and ever. Do not let your heart to be troubled, when your heart is troubled is as much as you have died, but I wants you to live. God bless you.

Lesson of Vulnerable Emotion - Part 2

We had a big talk yesterday, and as I expected the outcome, and I know what is the best for both of us is to stay neutral as friends. Well I wasn’t intentionally wanted to crush our friendship, but it was way too emotional for me to control what is going on inside the few cubical neurotic matters, I mean the brain. I lost my rationality to make decision, and I am selfish, weak that time. I felt regret and guilty after we end our conversation, and my heart is more painful than what lust could have done to me, because I loose her as my friend. Among all friends in my class, she is the one who really can open up and talk to and she was special to me. Now the truth reveals, God told me: “Thomas, please wait” God is right, I should not do this, but for the sake of learning, pain is required, the question are you willing to suffer that pain and later heal by God. I felt guilty in the sense that I think she got this result possibly I am one of the factor that make her can not excel. She almost got below than 2.0 for CGPA, but I really thank God that she get through it though it is not so bright. This makes me fearful of being a threat and enemy to her, simply I am another emotional disturber. I feel I really need to talk to her again in a rational way, because yesterday it really wasn’t me talking.
Since if what yesterday works, then she will not be viewing my blog anymore and no one will, she is my most visited blogger and she is to me. So I just want to make this an alternative, if she didn’t pick my phone.

“Vri, I know it has been a hard time for both of us, and you really think that I am that kind of person? No. I couldn’t imagine a girl strong like you, hard like a rock can be defeat by my frustrations and desperation. See, I told you this was an aspect of death, despair. The death of the heart as well as a relationship. I thought you are strong enough to take this, to motivate me up to the right thing. To describe my condition yesterday was like a high speed car running without a break. I knew things could become like this, I know the consequences, I know it is hurt, tiresome and sad. But I am such a weakling that I could not stop this from happening. If you really want to mad at me then go ahead, and I am happy if you do. I need your respond face to face, I need to see through your tiny eyes to understand what you feel. Don’t put your mask on, be real to me, that is why I seek to talk to you face to face. Only words tells nothing, not accurate until we experience the feeling in those words. I have request, you have to trust me Vri. You have to trust me. Give me a chance to show you who I really is, the true Thomas. This whole thing was meant to heal you Vri, not me. I don’t want you to put your mask on. Tell me your feelings, trust me. So that I could help you to release it. Even you trust in God, problem still came right? Same to me, you trust me doesn’t mean that it will not happen again. I hope stronger after learning this lesson just like I did. I admit to you I have grown stronger yesterday. And my counselor was right, she believe I can do it before the next meeting during Monday, Friday was just perfect. (23 oct. 09) I didn’t ask for your forgiveness, but I ask you to become stronger to stay rational and do not beat by me. I told I was dangerous man to know. Since we know each other already, we had to risk it and learn through it. May I host you a dinner to night? And got this all straight. Thanks.”

Love ~ Lesson of Vulnerable Emotions

Lesson of Vulnerable Emotions
This morning when I wake up I saw her face and was hugging her in the dream, kissing her in the lips. However, I start to question myself, I am wrong of doing that? Because deep down in my heart, I do imagined I do that to almost everyone I say I felt in Love with. This is simply infatuated love wasn’t it? Suddenly, another question pop up asking: “Hey, what have you learn so far from your experiences with falling in love?” I think I still can not that question. What have I learnt? Yes I do learn how to act the love out by reading up reference on how should I act the love out towards other people. I learn to appreciate the girl I fall in love more and more, what I mean is from my love history, I did not have any dating relationship before, but I just silently loving someone and after not meeting up each other for sometimes, the love feeling fades. This is infatuation. I never meet up with someone that really get infatuated to me too. So I don’t know what it is feels like when someone wants to date me. I have this weakness, when someone tends to care more about me then I easily misinterpret their good deeds as wanted to date me. That is why I easily fall in love. For a dozen of case I had before, all of them is still infatuation, I never met with a true love before, though there is a little bit feeling of frustration, but I guess it is not the time yet for me to date someone. I always tell myself if I fall in love with someone and later lost the feeling or broken, it was God wanted me to meet up with a couple of wrong person (for my case is dozen already) so that I will truely appreciate my rightful partner when we meet up in the timing of God. I also start to wonder whether this time is the right time or not? I got up to be more and more committed myself to care and learn from her, more about her, what is her needs, what is good for her, what to give her, and etc. simply all giving freely. I really like it when we are talking about our own failures and weaknesses so that when we share that I really feel love. Because whenever we chat or talk, I am looking for something constructive, lesser jokes, people may find it boring, but I think she did not feel bored about talking all that, because I feel that she is also interested in sharing her own stories. Here by I wanted to thank her again, I really appreciate for what she has done in my life even she didn’t realize, sometimes she also blur whenever I say thank you to her. I really feel I am being cared because she willing to spend time with me chatting and talking, maybe it is because my language of love is quality time, spending time with me is loving me. She already had spoken my love languages maybe she don’t even know it. But the more time I spend with her, the more challenging it comes. Now I even doubt that is this what real love like? I don’t know what true love looks like. I just feared that this kind of relationship is just single sided love. I fear that she just wanted to be friend with me and nothing more, I so eagerly wanted a girlfriend maybe there are some reason from the past. E.g. I did not experience true love before, I did not given someone who really cares for me, and you may say what about my parents? Did they not giving their love to you? Yes of course they did, but I had already blinded because they hurt me deeply since I was very young, and especially my brother, watching him being abused. Until now I am still feeling the pain, and I am sinning for not forgiving my father. I needed love, I do not know how love myself, not until I meet her, she changed my life dramatically, and she don’t even realize it. I became less perfectionism, lesser temper, and I totally lost most of my evil thoughts. She make me become more realistic, more independent, more hardworking. I am alive again because of her. She saved me. God has sent this angel to me, God has show His love to me through her. I am very happy yesterday because I finally realise all this happening. I can’t hold it to say I thanked her. But what I really wanted to tell her is that, is this what it means, I loved you? In my heart, you already had loved me, just you don’t even realize it. If this passage make you feel embarrassed or bad, tell me so I will delete it. Tell me what to do, cause I am really lost. Lord, I really don’t know what to say but to shout at you that: “I Love this woman!!!”

The secrets of my journey

The secrets of my journey


I should keep myself refuel by inspirations to keep my passion alive. I’ve lost passion in doing anything maybe just simply I am way too complex thinker, perfectionism and fearful jerk. After viewing the show “Peaceful Warrior” I feed up with energy and the main character centers me. Dan Millman was just like a reflection of me, this explains why my counselor gives me this DVD to watch. After viewing it, comes to me a lot of thoughts, and I remember the time that old guy he says keep those trash out of your mind. Yes, that is the answer for my questions. Perhaps I should stop asking questions and go on to experiencing, no wonder I felt that I am full of knowledge but not wisdom, because knowledge is just thinking, but wisdom is doing. As much similar to trying and doing. Ask and you shall receive, and I had been fearful asking questions and answering questions in the class. So this might be the turning point for me, for everything I actually I know it just that I did not learn from it.

Most of the time I wasted on the blaming game, negative emotions and non-constructive thinking. I use to think the same way as Dan Millman thinks, he think he is strong as I do, but I am not, he wasn’t either.
“Socrates(old man): A warrior is not about perfection or victory or invulnerability. He's about absolute vulnerability.”

So my trash is my pass failures, disappointments, fears of failure, and future victory. No I shouldn’t put these on, it kept me away from doing what I doing best. It wasn’t about the ideal self or the true self, because I am who I am. A strong thought came to me, I imagined that I was standing in front of a lecture class and I was presenting something. I strongly started with a challenge:
“Therefore brothers and sister under this roof, I urge you to ask questions and answers the questions with confidence. You are not what people think you are, because you believe it what they told you and it limits you. You are fearful of what people thinks about you how it affects you and truly I say to you, the only cause for your emotions is right inside from you not the outside. Throw all those trash away from you. People think you are showing off when you are performing in a class, and people thinks you wanted to get the lecturer your attention, and I say it is simply not the truth. They might think what exactly what they are thinking, but it is not you, your real motive. It is because you think too much of being embarrassed generates fear and it stops you to get where you wanted to go. Challenge may seem impossible to solve when there is fear. Throw it away. Now, I encourage you all to stand up from your seats and raise your hands and say I’ll do it today, now and here in this moment!”

Peaceful Warriors

Peaceful warriors

Peaceful warriors have the patience to wait

until the mud settles and the waters clear.

They remain unmoving until the right time,

so the right action arises by itself.

They do not seek fulfillment, but wait with open arms

to welcome all things.

Ready to use all situations, wasting nothing,

they embody the Light.

Peaceful warriors have three great treasures:

simplicity, patience, and compassion.

Simple in actions and in thoughts,

they return to the source of Being.

Patient with both friends and enemies,

they live in harmony with the way things are.

Compassionate toward themselves,

They make peace with the world.

Some may call this teaching a nonsense;

Other may call it lofty and impractical.

But to those who have looked inside themselves,

this nonsense makes perfect sense.

And for those who put it into practice,

this loftiness has deep roots.

Adapted from a poem by Lao-tzu

怠, slothfulness

Do you remember last time I put the blog page title a baby sloth. Isn’t that cute? Yes it is a wonderful thing. Slothfulness is even worse than sex problems, sex when you use it rightfully in a marriage it is a wonderful thing. But slothfulness is totally a taboo. You cannot risk it, even now people having idea of Lethargiosis but simply I don’t think it is an excuse to it, I mean what good to sloth? Just like what Wendy Wasserstein said, work less not workless. If you do not do it, what are the consequences? E.g. if you do not work, you have no money…

I learn that the causation of slothfulness recently, it may cause by Discouragement, Perfectionism, and Past Disappointments.[a] Yes it is very true. For my case it really can fit into the example of slothfulness. Thank God I realize this sin early or if I let it corrupts me on and on, I don’t think that I can survive out there. Discouragement,

“Disheartened people can seem slothful. Perhaps their parents told them they were worthless, stupid, or would never amount to anything. Or they are disabled and feel their options are limited. Or they’ve tried again and again, but can’t seem to achieve their goal.” (intouch org.)

I had been disheartened because I lost motivation and have not encouraged by my parents for past decades, now they are better but it is ineffective anymore. In Galatians 6:7-8 say it right. I gave up and go slothful way.

Second, perfectionism, yes, I do admit I am perfectionist. Well friends warn me about that, but it is still a part of my personality, need time to revert it. You know how much it will cost don’t you? The cost of reverting. Yeah, Exodus 4:10-16. I did what Moses did exactly, putting my responsibility to others while I fear of doing it. I feared that I can’t do thing better at my high expectations, so eventually hindered me from doing what is good. You know what, I don’t start a game from level one, I straight go to the final stage, and I lose the game and say the game is impossible to win. What am I expecting? Beating the boss without previous experience and efforts? Games can cheat to win, but in reality, cheating may works but the consequences, I couldn’t bear it.

Third, Past Disappointment. I disappointed in a lot of things because I expect things to be perfect, and it weren’t meeting my expectations. I blame people, blaming God, and curse myself. Blaming God that he gives me such a hard way to walk through. Yeah, I realized he wanted me to learn. Pain = lesson, it is right when you say no pain no gain right?

Yes slothfulness is a deadly sin. It break relationships, it makes you suffer hunger when your resources ran out, and lead to other deadly sins as well. I hope God has mercy on me, lead me not into the sin but deliver me out, and learn from it. I think this time He is using me to witness the sin of slothfulness among us. I wanted to change. I prayed that I may have wisdom to become wise enough to handle things over. Thank you for listening to my cries last night. Thanks. Love ya.

Journey to realisation

It was Friday evening 16th October 09’, I and my church friends went to fountain side camping somewhere in Kampar, can say it is a secret place for natives to go in to. It was a very nice place, sadly it was raining that day though is not big and I thank God for that. The first thing I do when I reach is to capture some beautiful view of the fountain, but unfortunately those photos are unavailable now, my mobile phone drowned yesterday simply because I was too excited to climb up the fountain to take another view from the top and I fell down. A simple mistake causes me to spend extra money to buy new phone which I did not plan to do so. What ever since I need to spend that money why don’t I buy one better phone? If you wanted to see those photos I will post the link here when they are available and I will also put it here at another post so you may see, I can say it is very beautiful.

Last night I told Vri I don’t wanted to judge those who tell a lie to protect themselves from being hurt emotionally, because I simply that kind a person too. Yes, I am. People think I know a lot of things, but I do not. People think that I am active and ongoing, but I am not. This all are lies that I may have told them and showed them when I am with them. Same when I reach the fountain side, I was so newbie, because I had been to National Service and the thing I learn to stay in jungle supposedly I knew a little bit, but I do not, now I am ashamed because I do not know how to raise a camp, even using sleeping bags. Suppose this was the first break through for me but I pretend I had been in a camp before, that is what I told them “I had been in a camp two years ago” that was a lie, just to make me feel more comfortable and acceptable. They make fire for BBQ, they make camp fire to keep warm and light at the night, I know nothing about it. So shame to write it here in my blog, but I have to say that.

We can always lend a hand to help other people to do things, is just that you wanted it or not. That Friday night I was very tension, because I already so emotional and they all starting to do the “camping thing” I don’t know what to do and what to help. Therefore I am fearful of providing help also, later help until making something worst. But we had a wonderful dinner there and supper with BBQ chicken wings, prawn balls, and sausages. I slept early that day 11 pm I went back to the tent and I slept.

17th Oct 2009 (Saturday)

A cool and refreshing morning, we wash faces and brushed teeth there and very sadly, I forgot to bring mine. I just have a towel. So I wash the face in the river bank and straight go eat breakfast. Funny that we all discover new way to cook egg, we played those extra egg I mean put it in the charcoal where it is already smoking hot, just a few minutes the egg explode and it is ready to serve.

We climb on the fountain and I can count there are 5 levels to reach a dead end. We climb on from rock to rocks and some are very slippery and I even get myself scratched and get bitten by red big ants, and now my feet swollen again. Unfortunately I fell down in the second level of the fountain and drown my phone. If I knew I would have shut it down, but I kept it on and finally short circuit and spoiled. Gone ~

But I manage to climb to the dead end and do a Tarzan swing there, and the water is damn cold and deep. We played the cool water and pack up and go home that day 11 am. We walk down hill and we had our lunch together in Seng Yip food court, and bye bye.

Ok that is all, I finally realized that I am not very great, just another novice camper. I am desperate, in so many ways I am already hurt because my knowledge is so shallow, no wisdom and the heart of learning. So when people say I have intelligence, I think that is not true also. I cannot admit everything’s starting point in you yourselves. If we cannot do it yourselves, you cannot help people doing so. If you do not know how to love yourselves then forget about loving others. When you are lazy do not pretend you are smart. Pretending never shows the true you and may even get worst. That is why most of the time I am being unrealistic. There a lot of reasons to say I am not here for you. First I am addicted to computer game once more, thinking about it and obsessed by it. Second, I am thinking about the past emotions and I am not here for you. Third, I am trying to start from my starting point that is myself, and lost affection to you. I simply think that this act is quite selfish also, but I have to do it for the sake that I will not too self focusing. Even now I feel very painful because I made my friends wiped with me last night, I make people emotional and I hope it did not last for her. I am still incapable of loving others. I do not know you… how I love you? It was even a lie that I told her, the love languages say that I needed it for statistics, but it wasn’t. I wanted to know what is her love language is. Sorry Vri, I lied to you. Again … I have lied … Sometimes I say something like this is actually seeking for satisfaction and pity or sympathy from friends. If you feel that I did not deserve it then do not give me. You owe me nothing.

Sushi Frenzy

Eat ahhh! This is the first time I eat until broke in sushi King. Promotion RM 2 per plate (any colour) Really we are crazy about it to night. Well I and Robin ate to most haha, but nevermind we can afford it. Ouch 12 plates for RM 24 that is cheap compare to normal prize. We choose all purple plates to eat XD. Normally it would cost RM 6 for each plate now only RM 2 until tomorrow 15Oct2009 wish you all didn't miss it haha. Required Sushi King member card and per card holder can bring along 5 friends so all togather 6 pax (a table) ^^ Enjoy your lunch or dinner there.

Actually too delicious already, forgot to take the photo for pur first round. This is the second round count, total stacked up for 48 plates lolx. 6 person eat up for only RM96 ++.

Then we had planned to go camping on hill this friday (16 Oct 09), we shop at Tesco there to gather food and drinks and we saw a brand new 'sayor' Haha, funny...

Enjoy!!

Love languages

Like then only got love?

I heard some says if you do not know that person well you are unable to love him/her very well. Then I heard some says, you will only love someone that you like. You can’t love the person you don’t know. There would be enemy that you like too so (your favorite competitors), there are no problem with loving your enemy right?

The main problem is expressing the wrong language of love. There are five stated in Love, Sex and Relationship[a] which is

1.        Words of Affirmation – Spoken words, written cards or letters, emails, compliments

2.        Quality Time – Trips, walks, talking at home, undivided attention, one to one conversations

3.        Gifts – Celebration of special occasions; sentimental gifts; Things you have made

4.        Act of Service – Assistance with chores, kept promises, helping in little ways

5.        Physical Touch – Hugs, sitting close, back rubs, pats on the back

Find out your love language here <click here>

My Test Results:

Percent	Language	Score
17%	Words of Affirmation	5
40%	Quality Time	12
0%	Receiving Gifts	0
30%	Acts of Service	9
13%	Physical Touch	4

How to Interpret Your Profile Score

Your highest score indicates your primary love language. Your second highest score indicates your secondary love language. If two scores are identical, you are bi-lingual(you have two Primary love languages). If the scores of your primary language and your secondary language are close(for example, 10 and 9 respectively), it indicates both are important to you. The highest possible score for any one love language is 12. Having a clear picture of your primary and secondary love languages will explain much of your past behavior. Think back over the past and ask yourself, "What have I most often requested of my spouse?" Chances are your answer will lie within the scope of your primary and secondary love languages. You have been requesting that which would meet your deepest need for emotional love. Your requests, however, might have come across as nagging or criticizing and thus drove your spouse away.

Share you result here so that we can maximising the act of love towards each another. Please comment ^^

I'm back for trouble

Return to my heaven in hell. I totally didn't plan to do anything and I ask myself what on earth make me go back so soon, I also don't know. Whatever, time to recover back all my energies to face the next semester^^ What to do, I actually have a lot of things can do, and just now when I walk to fix my bike (damn my pressure pump spoiled, make my tyres running out of air.)

Nevermind it fixed and cycled back to the bus station to buy my friend's bus ticket which I forgotten to buy when I step foot on Kampar. =.=" So now I introduce to you my new favorite book "The Mind Gym" oni cost RM52 in UTAR bookstore hehe. It has accompanied me for the whole journey. I can read this during all free time here right?

Gather all gears up, ready the gears of war to battle the next semester...
Today ain't a good day for me, but it was some obstacles to make me do things out haha. Really good challenge, e.g. raining when I wanted to go buy the ticket, the pressure pump spoiled make my tyre more flattened, and the bitter 'gua'(苦瓜) taste so salty for dinner and maybe the worst is coming out to night, e.g. hit by ghost?? haha no la just joking. Run your life happily, and for the greater good.

Just another day.

This morning I and my family went for morning church service, a dizzy morning i guess. The first problem I spot is, the people in this church is getting cooler and cooler, even when we are worshiping in the Lord's presence. I got the feeling like having a Kara-OK at chruch, really are you all praising or singing? After praise and worship we entered the sermon time, speaker talks about knowledge and love inside Christ. The first thing I long haven't feel in this church is the warmth and the spirit once had were long lost, and I can't hardly say that we all got lazy and had no desire to learn more from Christ. The love showed is not enough, after I heard when one of our church member's father had a level 4 cancer only a few appeared to visit him. Where is the care last time we all had, where is it?

In the noon I hook up with my Methodist Youth Intermediate Fellowship (MYIF) buddies and they were having a project planning for the up coming children's day for sunday school. Well I just spell out a little bit ideas on how it can goes. Finally we made 7 station games for 5 teams. Great, but sadly I can't join them.

Wow, at here I feel I become like a musician again, drunk myself with all the music instrument this morning.

Best of overall day memories. I love the sound of combinations of all kinds of instruments. Espacially, Classical guitar with Grand piano. I love it. Hey I guess we can form a ban in UTAR also right guys?

At night I had a wonderful dinner with my family, first dish is Ka Lat Hu (hokkien) cook with ginger and other spices, second dish is Pai Kuat Wong, pork with special Pai Kuat saurce, yum yum... and last and not the least, clayport Taufu fetch with veges, ahhh, eat people's taufu lolx just joking... haha.

Nice but tomolo go back Kampar edi, I miss all penang food. Haiz.

God Bless you all, Immanuel. And I pray that everyone will grow more mature in spirit and in the mind. Happy reading = )

爱自己=爱别人。

爱自己=爱别人。


我还记得我的捕导师(counselor)说我必须要有自爱。因为如果我不爱自己的话我怎么爱别人呢？不要误会我的题目，“爱自己=爱别人”爱自己的意识是对自己的生体(physical)，思想(mind)，知识(intelligence)，和灵(spirituality)命的好。这四方面的成长对以别人来说，虽然没有什么。但是对以自己是有好处的，因为你可以用这些来帮助他人，也同时祝福他们。散发出你的美丽出改变生命。把软弱的人带上来。爱自己其实也是一种表达你对别人的爱。不让他忧虑，受伤，和给了他信任。这是我所求的，所谓的更强就是因为为了要爱自己，同时的去爱别人。虽然我疑义说我并没有做到，但是我曾经想过就因该有做到一些吧？利他主义(Altruism) 过强的人是不好的，因为以为不顾着自己的生活去帮人的话会产生一种苦毒 (bitterness) 和忧虑 (anxiety) 。

~要和别人产生一个好的关系就从自己开始咯~

爱人如己=爱自己去爱别人^^ This is the secret of self loving..

一张白纸

一张白纸


当我已开起电脑时就很想写一个新的布格落，但有没有什么东东好写的喔。

当一看见一张白纸的时候就想起一些回忆。我曾经用一张白纸的思想来吧我脑海里的东西暂时放下，想着一片空白的纸然后才开始放我所要管的事情一个一个跟着持续排下去。

白纸是白的，没有内容，只是一片空白。当你一上笔的时候就写出或画出很多作者所要表达的心情或感想。就像你所读过的布格落一样，之前是一张白纸，变成了一篇文章。你的生命也是一样，虽然人有很多事情都不能改，但是你生命上的白纸还有无限多的空间让你发展呀。这就不是所说的活到老学到老？也许很多墨渍都图上了不良好的事，也有些弄脏了一些部分，浪费了许多的空间在那白纸上。但是你还是有很多的空白的地方发表不是吗？

那现在想像看，你面前是一张白纸，第一件事你能看见的是什么？那就是你心理上聚焦的的一个事情。有可能是好事但也可以是坏事哦。可以是问题或回忆。想想看你第二步要这么走？

白色也代表了圣洁，干净，无罪。是一个很纯洁的颜色。我也很喜欢白色，白赔上青就很完美了，因为青色代表生命。青白=圣洁的生命=清白。哈哈。

不要浪费上帝给你的清白哦。弄脏了就洗不掉咯，要活得有智慧。

做人不是求自己而是愿生旁的人都活得快快乐乐。喜悦不是愉快。

Lost - addiction

Lost - addiction


I am losing myself again, how could I be so careless of not taking attention to the situation that I am in? I played hard because I gave myself excuse that I already had done much before the exam and all this fun times is what I deserve. No, it isn’t, now when I think back, I think that is something just temporal and when I drunk myself too deep in it I lose control. I could not bear the consequences. I know it, whenever I get addicted on playing I lost the true self, lose my purpose, and lose my attention on anyone else. I did not lose my awareness but I lose my attention. I lose everything that makes me valuable, that charms people. I had to do something, I need to discipline down myself. I know that I shouldn’t force myself, but to reach that I have to change cognitively, I mean change the thoughts. Change the frame of mind and change the key words that meditated in me. I stop rehearsing my purpose in me that is why I starting to lose myself. Even if you aware that I hadn’t spoken about God ever since I am happy. I lost Him; I wandered away from Him again. I didn’t prayed, I didn’t visit little Thomas, and I don’t even care about the people around me anymore. Tomorrow it’s my mother’s birthday, I said I wanted to give her a surprise, but I stop planning that when I am addicted to computer games once more. What should I do?

I am sorry about everything that I did, even if it doesn’t affect my friends and family. I deeply hurt God, because I forgotten about Him. I also felt sorry to … Never mind, I think this time falling is a little bit tough for me and I have to stand up just like I did it before. Don’t worry my friends because I’ll get back up soon enough. I know what to do now really, it is hard to change our thoughts.

Like I said, addiction destroys relationship, because you weren’t there for the other person anymore. How valuable is your thoughts to another person? To be connected and builds up intimacy is simply through attention. That is the starting point. You might think how you think wouldn’t affect other person but it does actually. It reflect who you really are right now, but not necessary the true self.

Change must change from our thoughts first, but it was the hardest. I agree with Vri that change is bitter, and often move us out from our comfort zones, but this is what it takes to grow us up. What is a broken piece of a heart means to you? It hurts, but it is meaningful. This is the rule of the game. I wanted to grow. If I was not lost how shall I find the right path to move on? If I didn’t fall down how do I learn how to get back up? If I didn’t suffer pain, how could I endure it? If I didn’t fail how do I succeed? If I didn’t get what I wanted, how do I learn how to give? If I didn’t get loved, how do I love? Painful isn’t? Life is bittersweet because life is suffering that is why bible also includes a chapter named lamentation. Job is also an example for all this trials. Think of that. God didn’t say when He loves you, you will never suffer with Him, and instead He suffers with you.

忘了

忘了。


可是真的不能了解为什么做人这么容易忘记他人的教训。当那痛苦的感觉离开了就忘了那个教导。我还是觉得开心的时候不去想有那一个方面我还没有去改正的时候，就觉得我不应该停止的去细考。

我总是觉得，快乐是有一个理由说为了什么而快乐。我最近都觉得自己没有感觉了，不是开心但是我开始想它的时候就觉得很神秘，又觉得有缺点，一个未知的东西，又觉得有点害怕。这感觉很熟，因该是以前的恐惧感。因该也没事了吧，总是觉得有不对劲，每次都有不好的事情发生的。算了，就等着它来吧。

还有一件是烦着我，我还是放不下，明知道要把神放在第一，学业在第二，然后第三也不能把爱情放在这。我的老人说我还年轻不应该这么早谈恋爱，但是我心里改不了，爱上了人就是爱上了没有什么理由的。但是我还在想，如果我这么勉强要和她在一起的话，没有好结果的吧？不想了。希望我能从这次的未知学到一些吧。我说：“如果要真正的爱一个人，就要爱全部人。包括友情，亲情，和爱情。如果上帝愿我们同在的话，我们总是会回到在一起的。虽然会离开，但总是会碰见，回到个人的身边。”

~快乐总是有一个理由的~

No Feeling…

No Feeling…

I heard no feeling is also a kind of feeling. I feel nothing ever since I came back from Kampar to Penang. Holiday to me suppose to be fun and restart my engine, refresh all my tools and my mind and enjoy the company of my family. However, I felt nothing, it just some familiar faces, the intimate strangers. I said I have an unknown in me again, I feel there is something missing within the time we spend together. Something is missing and I am now full of fear, the fear of the unknown. Same old fear comes to me again when I last spoke of “the fear of the unknowns” [a] last May 2009.

I am a road idiot (路痴), though I am Penang people yet don’t know Penang’s place. I am not familiar to all the directions and streets of where to go. I denied some of my friend’s visit and wanted me to join along in their tour so to have a guide you know. I am fearful of guiding a trip without knowing direction, better to say I better don’t lead and tell the truth that I don’t know the way. Whatever, thank God I found another fear that I wanted to overcome. I had been fearless for a long time that is why I did not attain more wisdom. God say: “fear God is wisdom.” So I guess His right. It is good to be fearful sometimes and pick up the fight with it like batman. Good thing is that the first thing came into my mind is how to overcome fear rather escaping it. I am happy. You are OK, I am OK.

Happy fighting and let’s not take away your smile.