How ya doin tonite?

Last night I was having a care group meetings and was planned to have some practice to play some songs for Maggie’s wedding, but I was too tired to do that since they were having “Chicken Wings’” 21st Birthday party or bird-day party. Until 11:30 pm and I was too tired to proceed. My tiredness shows a sad face and I do not want people having party to see me like this. I hope they didn’t notice that. I wish I could have to energy to proceed on because last night was a happy fever time for all of us.

I call up May Way to have myself express out to her, and I share my tiredness with her. Whenever I do this expression thing I will just focus onto myself and makes me feel childish. No, whenever I do self pity is not self loving at all. I always wanted to share that self love is not a selfish act, self love is not about addiction to what you love to do. Self love is taking care of your own well being, and being yourself as much as possible. People who thought that self love is selfish is because they are discouraged, disappointed and most of all, lost track of their true identity. I know some of my friends got this problem and one of them I even have to cut a deep wound in us to make us learn what it is to be having self love. I learn this from my own perspective, because I know pain and suffering is needed for people to learn, and this is a very true nature that we will only appreciate things that we have lost. So why not learning this to become ourselves that are originally not bounded by this nature? Everyone has their own fault and must take their own responsibility of it. I was indecisive? No, I made the choice to brake our friendship is because I wanted both of us to see something, something hidden in the unknown realm of reality. I wanted to open the eyes for myself and also to her, she always think that she can handle changes and emotions very well, but no, I observe it, and I know it. People may think that I am crazy, a mad experimenter. But sometimes we have to lost our minds to make sense of it. Pretty dangerous huh? I already told her that I am a dangerous person to know. Whosever crossing through my life will taste the bitter from my life, if you get closer to me the more you will suffer. Blessed are those who came into me and tried to help me, and then fall emotionally, even until the situation that we called it off. And, blessed are those who has been hurt by me that came back to me and continue to learn from each other, this what make us better friends. If she didn’t forgive me I think I had make her to sin, and this make me feel uneasy, I personally believe her that she can handle this and forgive and then came back as friends, with a stronger bondage. I do not seek for misunderstanding, I just wanted to build up the level of intimacy between friends. Though I have selfish desire to make her my girl, but I already had promised her, and she should trust in me that I will not let this selfish desire win us over.
Another thing I observe from this pit of malice. Women are blessed with this natural instinct is to have the earth under control and this is dominant role for women in the human race. What are they balancing? Naturally they are fearful of following a wrong man, and this will make them regret for the rest of their life here. They are balancing the forces of fertility and nesting. Though they are focused on nesting, but do you see that women has a role to do with men’s well being? Matured women, do reject a man who is childish and they were not themselves and self loving. Why? Because they knew it will not be happy when they both get along. Knight and the princess game were still playing a big role for humanity. Alex shared with me that love comes before everything else, yes he is right about it. What we lack of is to showing this love in the right way. We show our love so that we are acceptable in women eyes, when you have love, it reflect the maturity in you. Do not confuse yourself with lust. When you have love you know how to let go, when you have love you will give, when you have love you will sacrifice, when you have love you will be you. I am sure that I am a better man now, just need more time to practice, because I had already set my auto-pilot course to become more like myself, I did not force the change, I just have used some tools.
Nothing more I can hope that I and her will be friends again, I know and I will let her go, give her time, space, and freedom, that her daily living is not affected by me, when she need help she will call for it, it doesn’t matter who arrive to help her first, as long we are there for her. I said I know what to do, I just need more time to practice. Ok I need to go school now, there is a lot more things I need to learn, thank you for giving me this opportunity to share and learn.

To: My dear friends, and Vri.