Love ~ Lesson of Vulnerable Emotions

Lesson of Vulnerable Emotions
This morning when I wake up I saw her face and was hugging her in the dream, kissing her in the lips. However, I start to question myself, I am wrong of doing that? Because deep down in my heart, I do imagined I do that to almost everyone I say I felt in Love with. This is simply infatuated love wasn’t it? Suddenly, another question pop up asking: “Hey, what have you learn so far from your experiences with falling in love?” I think I still can not that question. What have I learnt? Yes I do learn how to act the love out by reading up reference on how should I act the love out towards other people. I learn to appreciate the girl I fall in love more and more, what I mean is from my love history, I did not have any dating relationship before, but I just silently loving someone and after not meeting up each other for sometimes, the love feeling fades. This is infatuation. I never meet up with someone that really get infatuated to me too. So I don’t know what it is feels like when someone wants to date me. I have this weakness, when someone tends to care more about me then I easily misinterpret their good deeds as wanted to date me. That is why I easily fall in love. For a dozen of case I had before, all of them is still infatuation, I never met with a true love before, though there is a little bit feeling of frustration, but I guess it is not the time yet for me to date someone. I always tell myself if I fall in love with someone and later lost the feeling or broken, it was God wanted me to meet up with a couple of wrong person (for my case is dozen already) so that I will truely appreciate my rightful partner when we meet up in the timing of God. I also start to wonder whether this time is the right time or not? I got up to be more and more committed myself to care and learn from her, more about her, what is her needs, what is good for her, what to give her, and etc. simply all giving freely. I really like it when we are talking about our own failures and weaknesses so that when we share that I really feel love. Because whenever we chat or talk, I am looking for something constructive, lesser jokes, people may find it boring, but I think she did not feel bored about talking all that, because I feel that she is also interested in sharing her own stories. Here by I wanted to thank her again, I really appreciate for what she has done in my life even she didn’t realize, sometimes she also blur whenever I say thank you to her. I really feel I am being cared because she willing to spend time with me chatting and talking, maybe it is because my language of love is quality time, spending time with me is loving me. She already had spoken my love languages maybe she don’t even know it. But the more time I spend with her, the more challenging it comes. Now I even doubt that is this what real love like? I don’t know what true love looks like. I just feared that this kind of relationship is just single sided love. I fear that she just wanted to be friend with me and nothing more, I so eagerly wanted a girlfriend maybe there are some reason from the past. E.g. I did not experience true love before, I did not given someone who really cares for me, and you may say what about my parents? Did they not giving their love to you? Yes of course they did, but I had already blinded because they hurt me deeply since I was very young, and especially my brother, watching him being abused. Until now I am still feeling the pain, and I am sinning for not forgiving my father. I needed love, I do not know how love myself, not until I meet her, she changed my life dramatically, and she don’t even realize it. I became less perfectionism, lesser temper, and I totally lost most of my evil thoughts. She make me become more realistic, more independent, more hardworking. I am alive again because of her. She saved me. God has sent this angel to me, God has show His love to me through her. I am very happy yesterday because I finally realise all this happening. I can’t hold it to say I thanked her. But what I really wanted to tell her is that, is this what it means, I loved you? In my heart, you already had loved me, just you don’t even realize it. If this passage make you feel embarrassed or bad, tell me so I will delete it. Tell me what to do, cause I am really lost. Lord, I really don’t know what to say but to shout at you that: “I Love this woman!!!”