Journey to realisation

It was Friday evening 16th October 09’, I and my church friends went to fountain side camping somewhere in Kampar, can say it is a secret place for natives to go in to. It was a very nice place, sadly it was raining that day though is not big and I thank God for that. The first thing I do when I reach is to capture some beautiful view of the fountain, but unfortunately those photos are unavailable now, my mobile phone drowned yesterday simply because I was too excited to climb up the fountain to take another view from the top and I fell down. A simple mistake causes me to spend extra money to buy new phone which I did not plan to do so. What ever since I need to spend that money why don’t I buy one better phone? If you wanted to see those photos I will post the link here when they are available and I will also put it here at another post so you may see, I can say it is very beautiful.

Last night I told Vri I don’t wanted to judge those who tell a lie to protect themselves from being hurt emotionally, because I simply that kind a person too. Yes, I am. People think I know a lot of things, but I do not. People think that I am active and ongoing, but I am not. This all are lies that I may have told them and showed them when I am with them. Same when I reach the fountain side, I was so newbie, because I had been to National Service and the thing I learn to stay in jungle supposedly I knew a little bit, but I do not, now I am ashamed because I do not know how to raise a camp, even using sleeping bags. Suppose this was the first break through for me but I pretend I had been in a camp before, that is what I told them “I had been in a camp two years ago” that was a lie, just to make me feel more comfortable and acceptable. They make fire for BBQ, they make camp fire to keep warm and light at the night, I know nothing about it. So shame to write it here in my blog, but I have to say that.

We can always lend a hand to help other people to do things, is just that you wanted it or not. That Friday night I was very tension, because I already so emotional and they all starting to do the “camping thing” I don’t know what to do and what to help. Therefore I am fearful of providing help also, later help until making something worst. But we had a wonderful dinner there and supper with BBQ chicken wings, prawn balls, and sausages. I slept early that day 11 pm I went back to the tent and I slept.

17th Oct 2009 (Saturday)

A cool and refreshing morning, we wash faces and brushed teeth there and very sadly, I forgot to bring mine. I just have a towel. So I wash the face in the river bank and straight go eat breakfast. Funny that we all discover new way to cook egg, we played those extra egg I mean put it in the charcoal where it is already smoking hot, just a few minutes the egg explode and it is ready to serve.

We climb on the fountain and I can count there are 5 levels to reach a dead end. We climb on from rock to rocks and some are very slippery and I even get myself scratched and get bitten by red big ants, and now my feet swollen again. Unfortunately I fell down in the second level of the fountain and drown my phone. If I knew I would have shut it down, but I kept it on and finally short circuit and spoiled. Gone ~

But I manage to climb to the dead end and do a Tarzan swing there, and the water is damn cold and deep. We played the cool water and pack up and go home that day 11 am. We walk down hill and we had our lunch together in Seng Yip food court, and bye bye.

Ok that is all, I finally realized that I am not very great, just another novice camper. I am desperate, in so many ways I am already hurt because my knowledge is so shallow, no wisdom and the heart of learning. So when people say I have intelligence, I think that is not true also. I cannot admit everything’s starting point in you yourselves. If we cannot do it yourselves, you cannot help people doing so. If you do not know how to love yourselves then forget about loving others. When you are lazy do not pretend you are smart. Pretending never shows the true you and may even get worst. That is why most of the time I am being unrealistic. There a lot of reasons to say I am not here for you. First I am addicted to computer game once more, thinking about it and obsessed by it. Second, I am thinking about the past emotions and I am not here for you. Third, I am trying to start from my starting point that is myself, and lost affection to you. I simply think that this act is quite selfish also, but I have to do it for the sake that I will not too self focusing. Even now I feel very painful because I made my friends wiped with me last night, I make people emotional and I hope it did not last for her. I am still incapable of loving others. I do not know you… how I love you? It was even a lie that I told her, the love languages say that I needed it for statistics, but it wasn’t. I wanted to know what is her love language is. Sorry Vri, I lied to you. Again … I have lied … Sometimes I say something like this is actually seeking for satisfaction and pity or sympathy from friends. If you feel that I did not deserve it then do not give me. You owe me nothing.