The Arsenal

Don't get it wrong with the arsenal football club, what I mean here is an amory for militia and navy. I am back in home the third day, after leaving the miracle land of Kampar it was like going out from my comfort zone as a house, nevertheless now I am in my home as much as like my arsenal for me. The day before I went back to Penang from Kampar, I had a commitment to the Lord that I will learn something to do with pastorial care and reaching out as preparation in this week for the use of this January intake at UTAR. I do not have a lot of resources so I just use what I have on hand, the bible, the purpose driven life and the internet. The first day when I am back here in Penang, at the morning devotion I read John 21 when Jesus talk to Peter. He says something like if you love me tend my flocks and feed my sheep. It was a great motivation for me for I am still having a little struggle whether am I readied to do this or not. What am I doing here at home? Reading bible and do some study in how to take care of people and reaching out, how to share your believes effectively, and I also have some fun ideas to train my gifting which is my piano skills. That is why my cover page is scales of music notes.

I was very excited to write this all in here yesterday, but somehow I feel like it wasn't the whole picture yet so I didn't. I read something about the work of churches, and I think, yeah it is nothing like a church, both a living organism and organization. They worship to focus on God, their fellowship helps everyone to face their life problems, discipleship helps fortify you faith, ministry helps find your talents and evangelism helps you fulfill your mission (pg. 136, Warren, 2002). The funny thing here is that I keep myself do simulation on how to talk to the people that I want to share Christ with, like crazy talking to myself only. Nevermind I hope now I already start a good work and pray that God will give me further guidance on how it will be done. For now there are three people comes into my mind that we can follow up is Adrian Lee, Shyan Chai, and May Wei. I already start some in Adrian and May Wei, but out of frustration and fear I draw out myself, and stop following up. Well maybe that time I wasn't ready to do things like this and affraid the more I help the more complicated it will be. Whatever I had them prayed and put in God's hand.

Look at this! Virtuoso pianist practices haha! Virtuoso literally means skillful. I am gonna use this book as a gift from God and I am very glad to have this book with me. Maybe God is trying to polish up my skills he given to me, so all the sudden I feel like I want to play all better and finger control. I love Jazz music and classicals, and this scale training push me up to reach that level to play it, I am so excited! Unfortunately its for less than a week, because when I am back in kampar, there is no piano for me to train. Well actually I am here at home training some pieces to play too to surprise someone one day. I wouldn't tell it here later she knows XD. Well it is great start and a great ending for the year 2009 and happily welcome 2010 to come. Happy reading.

Whirlwind - Day 2

After dining in Wong Kok's kitchen we saparate brothers to live in Ping Ping's second house and sisters live in her house. While travelling Calvin shares something about the evil spirit to Sushi, and I was a little bit harsh to listen to all that maybe I was tired and stressful that night. When we all reach Ping Ping's second house we unload our belongings and I took the first scout into her house and all the things around spook me, and I felt uneasy since that night. I didn't care so much so I take my turn to get the shower and then try to get some sleep as soon as possible. I had a good sleep that night, but not until I wake up, I was struggling to something and according to other people I was "Possessed!" Let me shares my experience here, maybe the bad spirit knows the physical and visual embarrassment did not effect me much so they attacked my thoughts. I feel suddenly like all the negative thoughts came out from my mind and my mouth is heavy to open up to speak. I was depressed and tense, all my muscles on my arm and waist are getting numb and I can't do anything and shouted out: "In Jesus name I tell you to leave!" then all my brothers and sisters was doing their devotion outside the living room heard my yell and they came to pray for me. Thanks, it was a lesson to me for not trespassing the spiritual realm, and shall not challenge the evil spirits. Somehow, I heard God was scolding me that I let the devil work through me and heed not his warning.

Whatever past let is past, I am alright now. The next thing "Breakfast!" we all go to a shack to eat dry Bak Kut Teh, sadly I just recover from the dissy attack, so I lost my appetite plus I had a constipation problem there, consiquently I did not taste much from it. Well then later we all set off to Jusco and had a really nice movie there "AVATAR!" and spend a little bit time shopping the rounds for Christmas presents and Birthday presents. About the movie I rate it 5 star if I would watch it in 3-D, I love the story really much about the source of energy in Pandora and all the tales of Sully becoming a Toruk Maktou and fight the invasion of Human fleets. I mean normally human defended earth from invasion but this time is when human invade the aliens, haha, a funny reverse huh? After that we all get all the free time go back to Ping Ping's house and prepared some carols and present later on in the celebration at night.

That is the spirit! Its Christmas and Happy Birthday to our beloved 21 years old sister Ping Ping! That night celebration were like a marraige dinner for her, haha, Ping Ping was hyperactive and was very happy, and she taking picture all around her guesses going table by table. I am proud to met with a friend like her. Her mother also very supportive to her too, praise the Lord! May God bless this family because the daugther had gave her commitment to God. She said she wanted to fully focus on God's work and shall not date within this 5 years. Wow, such commitment and fire and I was challenged, and I heard God said to me: "Where is your fire once had Thomas?" I couldn't believe that God really can use everyone including new believers to encourage me to push up my work in God's kingdom. Thank you Ping Ping you have given me a great encouragement to do the things we have to do in the January intake of UTAR. I hope that God will bless these freshies because we go out the reach them for the Lord. "Shine for the Lord" - Facebook quoted from our MNC family photo. Then we had a very fun time fellowship togather that night were Bee Kim was the second person I found that she is overly happy until nocturnal. Sisters sharing their happy moments togather in their rooms, while brother get their shower ready and GO TO Sleep XD.

The next day we again go to eat bak kut teh after getting up from our beds. This is a bak but teh famous in bak kut teh street and eat till the fullest. Some brothers take morning train went to Johor, but me and other are going back kampar departed there 11am in monorail then change to KTM then bye bye all the way back to Kampar.

For now I am in Penang enjoying the taste of home sweet home! ^^

Whirlwind - Day 1

All I know was train, then some friend's car, bus, taxis, and train again... and the name of places juggling up and down around my head, Subang, Port Klang, Sunway Pyramid, Mid Valley, KL Central, Bangi, and Sedang... After coming down from Cameron we traveled on rail to KL and we lived in a ministry house first night at Shekainah which is in Bangi. At the first light we travelled to Sedang and have a Christmas Celebration Service in Hope Sedang. About their service what has inspire me is their scatch "The Bread Pit" and the message "The Miracle". Wow, when I was there I said to God: "Wow God are you watching at this?" God sure wouldn't miss this great scatch and opportunity to touch our hearts when the message comes. I remember there was one shy hand raised up during altar call, Hallelujah. The scatch is so impressive and lively and they manage to succeed it within 3 weeks time and was in a period of examination (There are some UKM brothers and sisters).

The next thing I know was an eight hour shoping frenzy in Sunway Pyramid and thanks to Josh and Joshua that they take care of our luggages. We ride monorail there from Sedang and stop at Subang Jaya then ride bus to that Pyramid. At first very energetic and wanted to carry all the sister's bags but it was like a disaster in the end of the day. We had our first stop at cinema but it was fully loaded with a legion of people there, so we go to have our lunch first then go shopping, and wait to see what gives us opportunity to watch Avatar in the cinema.

We had a lunch at McD and some brothers and sisters take-away some Popeye's food and eat with us in McD. I still remember their smash potatoes, taste so fresh and really like homemake smash potatoes. And that is it, where the shopping frenzy goes after the meal. I didn't take a lot of pictures, and the more I walk inside the mall, I feel I do not belong to this place, because I don't like the places where there is a lot of peoples around, haha, I am quite a "westernizer" didn't I? Well I manage to endure the long walk inside the mall and finally give up walking and find Vri and Karen in starbucks to get a shake, and have a nice time listening to their sharings. Wasn't for long, this few activities ate 8 hours, wow, the time really goes that fast, and I just can't cope with it, shy to admit that my legs are reluctant to move. Well 10pm we have our supper-dinner at Wong Kok's Kitchen when Ping Ping arrive to welcome us, all the way here coming back from Genting to meet us.

Then this is the end of the first two day when we are in Subang.

I will continue the rest when I reach home tomorrow at Penang, for now I need to pack things up and get a good sleep. Good night and happy reading.

Cameron Heights Expedition

It has been a long while for me to wait for this moment to come. Once I had a dream is to own a piece of land that is rich and able to plant various kind of flower, and I dream of making my floral collection garden the largest international green house. I was inspired by the pink of shakura flowers when they blossom in Japan, and make the whole garden a piece of pinky sweet land. Unfortunately, the dream I made wasn't what I really wishes. Deeply this is a situation similar to the princess and the frog movie by Walt Disney. Whatever dream to have, whatever we dream to make, without a good relationship and love, nothing could be sweeter. I take a hard time to deny my own perception of a loving relationship, and I totally understand the condition they are having inside that movie. There are no different than the Beauty and the Beast. While I descibe my own dream, the message hidden under my dreams was to have a lovely wife beside me and I was playing my lovely white grandpiano inside the garden covered with all kinds of plantations. Without her something is missing from the puzzle. I was bias when I comment the movie to Joshua, I said the movie emphasize too much on a man and women love relationship, and critic that it wasn’t universal love. I was wrong, and maybe I did not experience that kind of love before and did not get it. I spook to my counsellor that I desperate of having a girlfriend, but she encourages me to love myself more before going into that kind of relationship. The love for man and women indeed was universal, everyone has it, and this give me a picture of God’s command for Adam and Eve. It was one of the life purposes as human.


Alright enough for the dreaming story. This Cameron expedition is fun and the weather is chilling, and sadly I was sick on the evening of the day. Quite sickening trip while I am sick, I hate to let myself sick because that will make me a burden to other people. I really thanks to all the brothers and sisters that are taking care of me throughout this trip, and I deeply appreciate your help. Same time I feel sorry that I may have dragged the time and I feel I was selfish that you need to put me into your consideration of each activity. But from another point of view, if other brothers and sisters are sick when I am not, I will provide help selflessly to them too, so guess this is what we call a relationship is to give and take. This trip I didn’t learn how to manage a trip, didn’t know where to go or where to visit, but this trip help me to learn the meaning of love.

We reach “tanah rata” and settle our package down in a hostel there and it’s for RM 200 per night if I didn’t mistake, I mean 200 shared with 19 people, means roughly 10 dollar per person. In fact we spend one night there only. I couldn’t stop thinking how chilling is it the night we sleep, and I was sleep right in front of the window curl up like a prawn, my leg was freezing and my body is reacting, so I got a fever! No, don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming that I got a fever because I sleep next to the window, I just describing how chilling it was. ^^

"Do not pluck the grapes" This is what we saw on the warning signs. Who cares, what is more important than to have a nice posting infront of those grapes. Don't worry no grapes were harm while taking the photo. "Tony, what are doing?" haha. Actually Tony was lifted up to reach that grape, thanks to Robin, because the grapes are on top of the ceiling.

Have fun...

Perseverance

      The promise to sow seed before the harvesting period come has been broken. God always show us that the harvest is abundant but the workers are few, same thing that applicate to my studies. God had already blessed my inventory, the piece of soil in our hearts that are readily to grow the seeds, but no seeds was sow on them. As days goes past, some late seeds sow on it, water wasted on the soil, those seeds did not take long enough to grow still it was immature and can't grow any futher as the time is up for growing. Which is distorted grow that does not bear fruit and will cast out and burn as rubbish. When I was active in Window Live Spaces, I wrote about the seed theory in chinese during the examination period of my first semester, [Link to 我本性就是像火一样] the seed use to measure the effort we put into our studies, sowing seed is only the begining, I did not even do the first step and yet focusing on the watering only, what about taking care of them from pest infestation. It will not grow for no seed for the soil to grow, not until you sow it to the blessed soil God has given to you. Now the question, what is the reason that I study for? For the result or for God's glory? For own's credit or God's blessing? Be sure and clear about this, so that you will not focus on the wrong thing. Why psychology? The very first day I step into the class, I say my purpose of taking psychology is to live as a blessing of many. I will be in the helping professionals, but there will not be a professional not when I did not prove myself fully committed to attain knowledge, until the time I prove myself that I can doesn't mean I will not fall.

      Pressing down myself under God's will, only I know I am worthy because of Him. So let the Holy Spirit work collaboratively with us right now to sow these seed and take care of it well, and until harvesting period, we will be the workers that gather these corps with joy and thanks giving. Everything we do needs a new pair of commitment and sacrifice, so that it will keep our fire burning in our hearts, that is allowing the Holy Spirit to work through us in our daily lives.

      Perseverance is a form of commitment and sacrifice, a promise for success. I don't need to worry about the results of my studies, as long as I do my best sowing those seeds and taking care of them from pest, give adequate amount of water and blessed by the sun light, this all already reflecting the efforts to glorify God, and it is enough for its own to shine by itself. I should have concern more on how to use all my knowledge learn from psychology and used for building up God's kingdom, result of our marks is just something worldly and it is bais and temporal, it will be forgotten soon before we get into our jobstreets. Putting everything into God's hand that is the most precious priviledge God has given to us, so that we do not need to depend on our own strenght. I will learn whatever that I can this morning, I know it is late, it will not grow overnight, so I already expected the outcome, but it doesn't demolished me, because I believe I have seen enough of my own deeds, so I believe I am changing right now to face the next semester that has to come. Getting into first class honours is one thing, it may not be God's will, but I just submit my plans to Him and waited his authorization. Good thing to know, I am back on my feet right now. Thanks to The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit.

World of Hatred

John 15:18-19 “If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.”

Remember when I use to say we fight a war out of love not hatred, peace not chaos, and joyous not destructive? Yes, that is the way how we fight the war, the deceiver’s pride soon will put into humiliation and put under the Almighty’s feet. I heard my very own voice resurface that reminds me that a war will not goes without casualties, it may cause a piece of yourselves but it will never compare to what you can save, to save the lives of innocent people, to save their souls from Hades, to save our own tiny useless souls, worth even lesser then a grain of sand. The world is ready to devour us, but are you ready to be devoured? “Be prepare, the end is near” Even in the 2012 movie quotes: “Repent, the end is near”

In further reading to John 16 in this morning devotion, somehow God is likely speaking to me, the scriptures keep on reflecting the things that Jesus tell His disciples about the work of the holy spirit that He call “the helper” will be our guide after He left us here. Just as in Mark 13: 34 describes “It is like a man going on a journey, when he leaves home and put his servant in charge, each with his work, and commands the doorkeeper to stay awake.” He leave us here in charge and he sent the holy spirit as an supervisor to us to keep His commands and work that pleases God and bring glory to Him. As I read on, I was comforted because I see that finally someone that can truly understand what is going on in my life, and that is God himself. He say that for sure we will suffers in sorrow and bitterness right now, yet I felt like God is talking to me in a mature tone and it sounds not like a joke, He is treating me like an adult now, and this deeply reflect how childish I am right now. Just as my father says: “Young man, you have a lot of things you have to learn.” I should have abandon my comfort zone and raise to shine for God already, a lot of time I am still too naïve, doing everything under my own understanding and unwilling to let the holy spirit to co-operate with me. I have joined this church, one of the Hope international ministries planted church, they talk about the Holy Spirit and the spiritual gifting, they prayed in tongue, this is what I did not experience previously in Methodist churches, at first I thought I still can do join this church by just ignoring the usage of Christ’s “Helper”, I never knew until now I see how the Holy Spirit works. I said to God isn’t that we should not relying on the emotions when we are mature? Because I am now confused about what is the heart of worship, wasn’t it mean that it is a surrendered heart? If not mistaken, it is right, well I can’t tell am I worshiping because I did not surrender down myself, I have pride, so I confused. I think it was the time that I should allows the spirit to work in me, I should start to believe what is right to believe, and I have been stagnant Christian for almost 15 years. The Lord is patient to me, waited patiently for my repentance, waited for my heart to fully mold to be one that He planned for me.

This quote from C.S. Lewis keeps on motivating me that I want to make it my motto. “It is when I give myself to His personality, which is when I will have a true personality of my own.” God gives me homework to do that is learning to be patient and humble. I might write in detail next time about why patient and humble.

As what comes to me this morning’s sermon is how to live a life with Holy Spirit. As Joshua shared that we are raw beef and it is not attractive, but after cooking it, aroma comes out, put on some dressings it looks attractive and delicious. Cooking needs fire, which is the “Helper” that Jesus Christ said in John 16. Yesterday, I heard a voice saying: “Thomas, where is your fire?” and today God helping me to search the answer. Now I know I needed the Holy Spirit to work along with me, and that is how God works through us. This morning God re-affirm me again that whatever we ask, God will surely give, by faith things make possible, and by faith that we are heal. God is patient, he also want to be patient and waited faithfully for His blessings, for He will surely give, just the matter of time. This reminds me when the time always tells me “Please wait.” When I truly surrender myself to His will, only that I will fully alive and living fully in my life purpose and God’s power shown in our humble hearts, the servant’s spirit. Thanks to the Lord on high that grand me peace in my heart, for I am weak that in you I am strong. Thank you Jesus for you have conquer the world and this makes my confident build in you, and the world of hatred will shatter in to ashes one day, and by your grace and mercy that will remain in you peacefully and joyfully.

The deceiver's pride

"No, you can't win this war, that is why you had me turn away from God even when you already know you are defeated."
Today is the forth day of struggling the effect of the aftermath of the deceiver's tongue, I truly admitted that I am defeated, because I am vulnerable and I left God alone, it was I deserted Him, where is my respect for the old man? The greatest lesson for me is still the same thing that I have to learn, my life lesson, the lesson on fearing the    right person, the lesson to fear God. This morning when I wake up somehow I realize that God was asking me :"How much do you love me?" The same question Jesus asked Simon, I am like Simon at first, proud enough to say I will follow where ever Jesus goes, yet Jesus said to Simon that he will deny him three times when people ask whether Simon knows Jesus. The same emotion, the same feeling that I had just like Simon once had, the bitterness, the feeling of being weak, the feeling that there is so much lessons I need to learn, there are too many things that I don't know, childish, immaturity, stubbornness and guilty. Then I heard a question: "Where were you Thomas? Where is the fire you once had?""Do  not carry the anger with you!" Unable to fear God = Pride. I am prideful of myself, if I wasn't complacent why when my friend said I am complacent I reacted? From the reaction I know, I do need to accept that I am complacent, one enough to steal myself away from God and even God asking where am I.

I struggled and prayed, I prayed for strength, wisdom and heart to concentrate on my studies, no God may have answered me, I am too busy to make myself emotional so I missed out what God is ready to give. Maybe I already receive the gift, and I was too busy on my own things those gift hidden from me. I hide it, and don't know where I keep it. I was keep on bombarding by a verse John 14:27. But I did not use it, it was more pain and hurt when you know the truth and unable to use it, the feeling is unable to accept one's weakness and lay down everything before Christ. I'd wrong, again the same mistake same shame same pride. How many times that I have to remind myself to be humble, gentle and patient? Answer is : Always.

I admit that I do have improvement, other people see me changed, become more joyful, giving and loving. Not shame to say that there are more people attracted to me too, I see their respond towards my changes. Now the challenge is to stand up right here, right now and start doing. I do concern about when I am emotional and irrational, my presence give impact to the people around me, the people who once attracted to me. This kind of emotion is destructive, it destroyed my friendship with someone before, and it comes to destroy me again. The devil knows I am vulnerable on this, and he make this my open wound, like putting acids on your cuts.

I should eliminate my problems one by one, though I am still fearful, but I should direct those fears towards God then I will attain wisdom. I should not use my own understanding about what is going on, just do whatever that is pleases God for sure, keep on doing it. I should have a simple faith, do look in front, in the future focus on things that I can do to glorify God's name. There is a lot more things that I needed to learn so let it be. I pray that I will keep God's command and let Him rule my life, then God will help me walking into the right path that He wants me to walk on. I'm sure the devil having fun see me being defeated, but fun came with price, God will make Him pay one day. Abba Father, today I want to declare I want to re-commit myself into your hands, lead me and guide me on. There is only you not me, I shall be a humble servant for in the kingdom of God need not heroes, they needed great leaders only. In fact there is only one hero that is Jesus Christ Himself. This civil war soon will be over, lets rebuild the cities that had been destroyed. Let my hands work for God's glory only. Amen.

Heart of wolverines.

"I keep telling you don't play that game to me alright? I am not a sloth, and I am not lazy or tired, because little Thomas in me been attack and you poisoned him, what should I call you "Druglord"? Well leave us alone druglord, stop poisoning him, you know always whenever you attack me, I generate new kinds of antibody and the same attack will leave me a little effect, you know what? God is blessing all the way that I can did this to resist you. And I think I had been wrong not to judge you by believing you are the full darkness and 100% lie and sinner. God teach us to love our enemy and he is right, because when I love you, I know more about you and I learn to become more like myself because of you, thanks anyway. Yes, the world is bais for you and you make us believe it. I couldn't believe you keep using me to destroy myself, and I had struggle for 2 days but I say not today, well congradulation you successfuly own me for 2 days. Well this is fearful right? Because I really scared to offend some big guy like you that is strong and powerful, I'm sorry but you can't harm me because God is with me, and I am sorry that God has planned a big humiliation for you. What are you trying to prove? Human are destuctive? Evil? No, you trying to make us believe that. Does that sounds like what has been in your mind for centuries? Look that is the problem, because you keep on telling lies, and you don't even want to admit it that what you're thinking in your mind and that is the truth. You can't be straight don't you? Well, I am sorry I offended you today, but this a war you will always hunting for me and I will just keep myself running from you. You know you wouldn't have me, so you try to use myself against myself, you try to make me own myself fully right? No, I am for God and for God alone, sounds bais to you? Its pretty much that you are telling me God is also bais for me, yes, it is but I rather bais under God rather than you leech. Don't ever steal my energy again, and thank for teaching me a new word, enfeeble."

I am affraid chellenging my enemy, I am fearful of what I did today, because I fear that this war is going to be more intense than I can handle. The more when I step into the world of darkness the more I feel I needed God's protection. This time is my enemy set sail cross the Rubicon to attack me, and this time counted as an ambush. Human are not different than sheep, they are naive, thought that they are strong they know everything, but they know nothing about what they ought to know. This world is not bais, and only the truth came wisdom, only the truth makes people joyful and God is the truth. People always goes against us Christians, why? This is a reaction of denial, reaction formation, a defense mechanism I use to learn in psychoanalysis. The counseling process may be pathological, and no one can measure the strenght of our believe system, when they believe the lie, then the lie will be the truth for them. Beware of the wolverines, they eat sheep. Don't let the lie guide you into their mouths. Living a life must live it with acceptence of what we really are, and the acceptence of truth.

"Please my dear enemies, don't do this anymore, is it that you say it is bais because what God says and it will happens? He say the devil is here to kill, steal and destroy, and this the more you do you prove Him right. Then what are you trying to prove? You can't prove God inexistence, because He is with us everyday, you can't prove human as powerful in destruction, because we are not design for violence. And you putting all those lies infront of us and I am impress that you successfully twist a person to become your desciple, but not everyone. What I trying say is that where there is the more reaction arise, the more closer to the truth we got. The book purpose driven life spell it well, the more we walk closer to God, the more intense our spiritual warfare it will be. Please leave me alone my dear enemies. The heart of wolverines sounds powerful, but it reflect the savage of wolverines that canibalize infront of us sheep. I heard you howls, and I am alert, sounds magically empowered, but it is decieving. I just can't trust you."

Enfeebled and Brain Sap

Today is another intergration day for me, after finishing the first paper and added some frustration, the psyche energy in me going dry. I couldn't afford to stop my work and enjoy myself and relax for a while, I don't know why this time I choose to do something incongruence to me again? Why I let myself to be torture like putting my head on a butcher's chopping block? This is abstract statement right? My head is full of trash right now, I can't concentrate or should I say I focusing in the wrong thing.

I am driven by fear, guilt, pride, and other toxins, where my mother lable them as overly confidence. The anxiety in me increase as the day goes nearer toward the examination for my second paper which is my last paper in this semester. The only reason I can't go on is because there is trash in my head, I got to throw it out, and my energy is very low right now, I had whole day rested yesterday and sleep until 10 am today and later had a siesta from 2 - 6 pm probably slept for whole day. After enjoying Bak Kut Teh at Malim Nawar, still I haven't recover those lost psyche enegy, I can't find the evidence of why am I low in battery, so I can't blame anything just to accept. Frustration become more real when I can't recall what have I done yesterday morning and afternoon. I just remember the Christmas party I attended last night and watched movie till 4am. I think this is an overlay across my energy limited usage, I'm under the threshold level. It was a happy night yesterday, but why I have to suffer "blurring effect" afterwards?

I am weak now, when I did not refer my case to God I will dry up, and whenever I say I don't like depending on someone else to do things, I am enfeebled. I want to find out what is the real meaning of being independence. That reminds me about Jeremiah's verse (Jeremiah 17:7) say we shall make God our confidence, this mean we are depending on God to be confidence, does confident come not from our own? Whenever I say God is bais, I am enfeebled, feel like muscles raptured out and I can't make a single move. Thought this is just an illustration and metaphore, don't think that it happens for real, I like to symbolize things, makes me feel I am analytical. I don't like giving concrete statements, it makes me bored. I think reader like illustrations more than reading the facts, because it make people feel it when they read it. Illustration makes a story sounds not the facts.

"Lord, when can I fully use my time and energy sufficiently to study? Am I not doing what is it that pleases you? Did you not put me here to study? Did you not put me here to use study to glorify your name? Did I do something wrong that makes you angry or have I forsaken you because I focus too much on bodily strenght? Please Lord, I wasn't demanding anything from you, but it is the only way to do thing and that is to rely 100% in your strenght and your purpose. Forgive me Lord whenever I sins against you, deliver me out of temptation, when I am strong in you, Lord help me to humble down myself. I am not good in pastorial care nor hospitality, I mourned to take care of people yet sometimes I am reluctant to give. I don't even possess the ability to lead myself and take care of myself well, how can I do it to others. Yes, thank you Lord I admit that whenever I helped people, that is when I using your strenght to do it, and the people I helped see me handsomely. Teach me lord, what should I do to make you happy? In Jesus name. Amen."

天真の我？M I NAIVE?

"Thomas! You have been overly playful, if you play a little lesser at home you would probably reach your target!" - Super-ego
"No, it was I who give you people pressure, I just have made the target too high for you both to reach, so please stop blaming each other." - Ego
"What? If I am not relaxed at first there wouldn't be a yesterday, and there wouldn't be a 28.5/40 coursework marks okay!?!" - ID

See that? They are arguing again, then who was the killer in this statement? For me I wouldn't judge the ID rather want to give my credit to ID, because if it wasn't him provide the strenght to pursue on learning and supplies the psyche energy, probably I am in another depression by now. No, I have successfully maintain my last target as I was in 3.222 GPA last semester and I am confident enough I will do it again, but for the sake of getting into first class honours, and turning the loan into scholarship and use it to buy an electrical piano for my church, 3.222 is not enough. That is why I put my target in this short semester to get at least a 3.8 GPA and above to drag the CGPA up the ladder. There was another arguement in me saying, "Thomas, you say your prayers aren't demanding, but let me ask you, will you buy an electrical piano for the church if you don't get the scholarship?" Sounds somewhat true for me, this is not about the result of my studies, it was about offering a piano for the church, how willing am I to give? Then I tell myself "Do I have the ability to do that? I mean without a scholarship I have no money. I can't give the church a piano without money." Sounds very negative right? But most people will say this is common sense. If I turn this statement into positive way, people will say me crazy, well I tell you, Christians is crazy people. God had this a challenge for me, so I will just believe that he will give me, this is for the purpose for his glory and I should do it without fear. I had made this a commitment, a goal and are focusing on it. I desire to give God a piano as a graduation gift and I made this my choice. This is my attitude towards success. Says, the book I read eight months ago came into action. Thanks to Dr. Peter. The ten secrets for success, but I say the ten fruits for success.

Come back to this question: "How much are you willing to give?" Then I will say, "Whether I get the scholarship or not, I will still buy a piano for this church, when I am working and by all means necessary." Does that sounds crazy for you now? Crazy people jump over the wall of obstacles, crazy people believe whatever they do can be done, this is as much as all Christians should be. I'll just take my time to grow.

About the war last past 12 days, it was continual, and the aftermath effect is deminishing when I am here in Kampar. As I had told you, Kampar is a blessed place, a shelther of God, a place which give birth to new babies and new faiths. I was amazed by this place and addicted to God's blessing. That is naive?... The reason I don't like do everything depends on someone including God, was I felt so weak and have no ability for my own. But this problem I had solve a thousand times and yet it still post a treat to me, is it my pride? Unwilling to humble down? Why bother? I had told you I had it right, just like what C.S.Lewis has to say "...when I give up myself to God's personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own." There are fightings ahead of us, the war of the deciever. Remember that our enemy is to steal, kill and destroy. That is the same technique they uses to attack us, same basic movement, they just manipulate the difficulties, create a little bit chaos in you mind, then they win. After this warfare I learn, that our enemy knows us well, knows everything about our weakness and strenght. They make our strenght turn pride and weaknesses become the toxin of our emotional life- e.g. depression. Secrets of living a better than good life is written all over the bible, take time to read it, you will realise it. For example John 14: 27 (ESV) "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." See, let not your hearts be troubled or affraid? That is the secrets.

Am I still Naive? or just I am too proud of myself? Let the time goes past and all stories will tell you slowly who I really was and is.

You know how this is going to end…

“Whenever a man set sail across Rubicon, it means war. Battle sieges the river banks, blood had been spilt, we fought wars side by side and never knew that the one we trust, we should never trust.”

“Histories are written by victors, and stories are written in blood by all the mighty man and heroes that battles in the front line. But there is no telling that the victor is about to betrayed by his own allies.”

“Blood had been shed, my blood in their hands, now I am fighting a war with the enemy of my enemy. They had desolate my brothers and sisters long enough, and they know how this is going to end… The next thing you know is the ashes burns into your souls.”

I never thought that the devil will use our own people to lay siege to ourselves, but it is a fact that this is true. The devil uses every opportunity to attack us when we are not alert. Now, this incident reminds me that God said they are like wolves readied to pounce at the lone sheep that had wandered far. When we are not connected to God in our network we are probably will fail. I have just lost one of my best men that turn against me and it seems that I have work to convince him back to us. I read a book, it writes God say: “whose side are you on son?” I am on your side I will reply, but most of the time I and my men engage unnecessary attention from our enemy simply wasn’t under God’s command, God is our general and I said, I have just disobeyed a direct order. Now you see how important to be a leader within yourself is. You are the captain of your squad, and we all know the consequences of disobeying the direct order.

What I am trying to say is, this war is not over yet. I have been attacked because it was my mistake, I wandered far with my squad into the enemy’s territory, and this sounds like I am sending them into a meat grinder. Now I say it is time to go home, go back to where we should be. This time it was I who cross the Rubicon, not the devil. I am safe whenever I am inside the barracks, safe under God’s shelter. I believe I had disappointed God enough, for not putting Him in the first place. Where is my respect for that Old man? After coming out from hell, the meat grinder, only know that I am totally busted up, what can one man do? The feeling was strange, when we are far from God, many good things and powerful things we can do within his will can’t do it out of his presence. I do not like the feeling of being weak and lack of wisdom. The only reason that I could find is just simply, my pride, and now became a fool, humble is power not pride. I heed a warning from Shyan last week, she had me right, though she not a Christian, but God does use her to warn me too, and I didn’t take it seriously, so this is what I end up with, a war of humiliation that was unnecessary.

“Code name “Little Thomas” is in hell right now, let’s bring him home. We take care of our brothers.”

I have learned a lesson that is to know your enemy well. For we are not wrestle with flesh and blood, but with the mind, the spirit and our souls, it was by choice that you let the devil came in to use you as a weapon. I say: “neigh!” Don’t let it happen. He will try to fake himself as God, like a spy among us, a wolf wearing sheep skin wandering among us. He can’t do anything, so he use his mouth to deceive us, and tries to cut the connection we had with God. No doubt, my connection was disturbed like been hit by EMP. But take courage brothers and sisters, the more war we fought the more we know our enemy’s techniques and strategies. We are fighting a war with Love not hatred, we are fighting a war with peace not utter destruction, and we are fighting this war with joy not fear. For our enemy came here just to steal, kill and destroy, we are the opposite. We give, heal and rebuild. The enemy knows us well, that is true because he has more wisdom than we do. The war started long before we are born, and there is no excuse we are brought here for war and as a living testimony to write victory song for our God the almighty.

“Sometimes the enemy come and utter destruction and lay waste to our land, but most of the time we lay destruction unto ourselves. But a war wouldn’t go without casualties, and you know how this is going to end…”

呆在家，修练！

“今天已经开始准备，

给一个人一个大大的惊喜！

时间到她就知道！呵呵。。。”

呆在家的感觉真不像样，“显”到爆！读书又不是，玩又不是，不知道啦，最近过得很对不起良心。总是有恶罪感，很烦呢！不知这么冷静下来的感觉又来了。休息又不是，难道我已经习惯了打篮球的习惯。这里有没有篮球场，有没有球，懒得打了啦。也许我需要运动，哈哈，我知道了，不写出来也不知道，对了，明天一大清早去散步。无聊也。。。=.="

另一件事临到我不甘心的是，我没有跟到我计划的复习时间表。*叹气* 算了，明天一定要搞好我的心病，用心出发！哈哈，有神的带领我要惧怕什么？冲呀！非常"incongruent"咯。

“阿爸夫上帝，我知错了，我又再次的用我自己的主意行事，为什么我撞墙撞这么多次还犯同样的错zzzz, "显"到！！凌晨12点咯。在写下去也没意识，睡觉吧。我看现在我最大的任务是冷静下来，其他的慢慢才说。对吗上帝？sorry ya, paiseh nia... ，好了我希望上帝你能指导我这么做吧，show me the way, teach me, guide me, most of all FORGIVE ME！！让我有一个新的明天。In Jesus name... 阿门。”

The leader within - 2 Dec 09

I meet a failure again today and I take a little time to figure out that I am actually stressed, because I realise that my breath so strong yet still feel like not breathing. Something must be up to making me stress up. Then little Thomas came out and remind me something, that the ID energy reservior is drying up, and it has been incongruence to these few days of holidays, it should be recharging not drying? Then finally I allow myself to relax down and do what I feel it can recharge this energy. That is why I writing this blog here, since every begining of a chapter starts with new challengers, then the leader within is another challenge.

Today I planned to finish at least first chapter of the counseling skill, talking about the counseling relationship. I had made a structure and goals how to move on to get this all input to my mind, but I was stress up easily, where does the energy goes? Feeling like I run out of stamina, this is well explain I did not lead my life well, so stress is all the way coming to attack me. No way, I need to give space for me to relax down and recharge all energy I needed before I start to commence this study plan. Or else it would be wasting time studying.

I know one of the cause that will drain my stamina, that is when I have guilt of sinning against God. Guilt strive all the energy toward itself and draining all positive energy from the host, and it leads to feel reluctant of doing anything. Forgiveness and repentence is important in this practice that you can lead yourselves up not to drain your energy for guilt. Be clear now I have equip myself with patient, kindness and gentle, yet it is not perfect, but im not strive for perfection, I'm just trying to reward myself (this is not an act of selfishness, but self love). Knowing how to appreciate yourself is very important, and knowing your own good and bad is also an advantage for yourself to have a better framework to lead yourselves on how you choose and goes. Sound like decision making right? Yes it is, good leaders are good decision makers.

"Abba Father, please hear my prayers, will you feed my energy? Will you not let your servant sin the same sin again, I do not wanted to do it again, you know what I mean. I often heard the wrong voices, and I thought it was you, please Lord, deliver me out of temptation, I know I have begin to gain wisdom and strenght from you, yet I am still weak, I am sorry that I take things up personally that I didn't do your way. Please, Lord forgive me and help me to change, if I waste up this energy I couldn't focus my strenght on that commitment that I made. I commited to get a 3.5 CGPA when I am graduated just to buy you an electronic piano so that I could serve your call as a musician. May your will be done. Confort your servant Lord, I am sick to feel this terrible pain, I need to have myself back again, sorry for struggled on my own, I should have invite you to war against temptation togather. I am sorry. In Jesus name. Amen."

3.5 starts here!

Today gives me a lot of insights about what will happen in the future when we fully ultilise the time we had now. As I shared before, time sharing is life sharing. Everything you focus on today, when you invest in it, it will happen. This is not a teaching of the law of attraction...

My bike's part been stolen today, and walking to school and back under the rain, I mean what is the big deal, God is our umbrella, I would care so much little rain can't kill us don't we? Today I admit that I did not do well in my presentation, of course it hits my standard but there is still a lot of place where I can still improve. Now only I begins to understand the power of effective leadership. Every piece of chance for me to lead sure left a little lesson behind me. I hope I really didn't miss out any opportunity to learn what has to be learn. W, See Hua, and Min Choo, they are all potent members, i still feel that they are somewhat reserved, their potential was lock in somewhere they don't even see it, but I think a good leadership can push them to do the things in the right focus. I think I do need to be a better leader next time. I apologise to you all because I had not been serving wholeheartedly in this presentation and the report writing.

Why 3.5 starts here? Without a proper management it will not be a 3.5, and I am starting from today, and officially I annouce let the study plan commence. The leader within, is the new lesson I learn recently. You are the leader of your life, if you do not know how to lead yourselves, you can't lead others. Just as Captain of the ship where I use to describe in my blog . In every aspect, academic, spirituality, relationships and wealth, you are the leader to make it a difference. God gave us choice, and it was an authority that has been entrusted to our management. Therefore everything is a choice, to achieve 3.5 is by choice. People may decriminate this statement but, I will just say energy is limited, I do not want to stress myself up too much to strive for 4.0, therefore 3.5 is an ideal goal. I have to use this energy to build up my well being, spirituality and other things, just distribute this energy to the 4 aspect I have writen there more evenly.

I have just finish my timetable where how I am gonna make it happen. God's hand on our shoulders I am looking forward to write more about leader within. It seems I have a new chapter to start already, so much joy and pain coexisted everywhere in this "Chicken soup for a cheerful soul" Thanks to this chapter, I really learn a lot from the old chapter of pain and suffering. See, I told you it makes a difference, when you jot everything happened in yourlife as a dairy, you see how you change and what you learn.