The deceiver's pride

"No, you can't win this war, that is why you had me turn away from God even when you already know you are defeated."
Today is the forth day of struggling the effect of the aftermath of the deceiver's tongue, I truly admitted that I am defeated, because I am vulnerable and I left God alone, it was I deserted Him, where is my respect for the old man? The greatest lesson for me is still the same thing that I have to learn, my life lesson, the lesson on fearing the    right person, the lesson to fear God. This morning when I wake up somehow I realize that God was asking me :"How much do you love me?" The same question Jesus asked Simon, I am like Simon at first, proud enough to say I will follow where ever Jesus goes, yet Jesus said to Simon that he will deny him three times when people ask whether Simon knows Jesus. The same emotion, the same feeling that I had just like Simon once had, the bitterness, the feeling of being weak, the feeling that there is so much lessons I need to learn, there are too many things that I don't know, childish, immaturity, stubbornness and guilty. Then I heard a question: "Where were you Thomas? Where is the fire you once had?""Do  not carry the anger with you!" Unable to fear God = Pride. I am prideful of myself, if I wasn't complacent why when my friend said I am complacent I reacted? From the reaction I know, I do need to accept that I am complacent, one enough to steal myself away from God and even God asking where am I.

I struggled and prayed, I prayed for strength, wisdom and heart to concentrate on my studies, no God may have answered me, I am too busy to make myself emotional so I missed out what God is ready to give. Maybe I already receive the gift, and I was too busy on my own things those gift hidden from me. I hide it, and don't know where I keep it. I was keep on bombarding by a verse John 14:27. But I did not use it, it was more pain and hurt when you know the truth and unable to use it, the feeling is unable to accept one's weakness and lay down everything before Christ. I'd wrong, again the same mistake same shame same pride. How many times that I have to remind myself to be humble, gentle and patient? Answer is : Always.

I admit that I do have improvement, other people see me changed, become more joyful, giving and loving. Not shame to say that there are more people attracted to me too, I see their respond towards my changes. Now the challenge is to stand up right here, right now and start doing. I do concern about when I am emotional and irrational, my presence give impact to the people around me, the people who once attracted to me. This kind of emotion is destructive, it destroyed my friendship with someone before, and it comes to destroy me again. The devil knows I am vulnerable on this, and he make this my open wound, like putting acids on your cuts.

I should eliminate my problems one by one, though I am still fearful, but I should direct those fears towards God then I will attain wisdom. I should not use my own understanding about what is going on, just do whatever that is pleases God for sure, keep on doing it. I should have a simple faith, do look in front, in the future focus on things that I can do to glorify God's name. There is a lot more things that I needed to learn so let it be. I pray that I will keep God's command and let Him rule my life, then God will help me walking into the right path that He wants me to walk on. I'm sure the devil having fun see me being defeated, but fun came with price, God will make Him pay one day. Abba Father, today I want to declare I want to re-commit myself into your hands, lead me and guide me on. There is only you not me, I shall be a humble servant for in the kingdom of God need not heroes, they needed great leaders only. In fact there is only one hero that is Jesus Christ Himself. This civil war soon will be over, lets rebuild the cities that had been destroyed. Let my hands work for God's glory only. Amen.