Enfeebled and Brain Sap

Today is another intergration day for me, after finishing the first paper and added some frustration, the psyche energy in me going dry. I couldn't afford to stop my work and enjoy myself and relax for a while, I don't know why this time I choose to do something incongruence to me again? Why I let myself to be torture like putting my head on a butcher's chopping block? This is abstract statement right? My head is full of trash right now, I can't concentrate or should I say I focusing in the wrong thing.

I am driven by fear, guilt, pride, and other toxins, where my mother lable them as overly confidence. The anxiety in me increase as the day goes nearer toward the examination for my second paper which is my last paper in this semester. The only reason I can't go on is because there is trash in my head, I got to throw it out, and my energy is very low right now, I had whole day rested yesterday and sleep until 10 am today and later had a siesta from 2 - 6 pm probably slept for whole day. After enjoying Bak Kut Teh at Malim Nawar, still I haven't recover those lost psyche enegy, I can't find the evidence of why am I low in battery, so I can't blame anything just to accept. Frustration become more real when I can't recall what have I done yesterday morning and afternoon. I just remember the Christmas party I attended last night and watched movie till 4am. I think this is an overlay across my energy limited usage, I'm under the threshold level. It was a happy night yesterday, but why I have to suffer "blurring effect" afterwards?

I am weak now, when I did not refer my case to God I will dry up, and whenever I say I don't like depending on someone else to do things, I am enfeebled. I want to find out what is the real meaning of being independence. That reminds me about Jeremiah's verse (Jeremiah 17:7) say we shall make God our confidence, this mean we are depending on God to be confidence, does confident come not from our own? Whenever I say God is bais, I am enfeebled, feel like muscles raptured out and I can't make a single move. Thought this is just an illustration and metaphore, don't think that it happens for real, I like to symbolize things, makes me feel I am analytical. I don't like giving concrete statements, it makes me bored. I think reader like illustrations more than reading the facts, because it make people feel it when they read it. Illustration makes a story sounds not the facts.

"Lord, when can I fully use my time and energy sufficiently to study? Am I not doing what is it that pleases you? Did you not put me here to study? Did you not put me here to use study to glorify your name? Did I do something wrong that makes you angry or have I forsaken you because I focus too much on bodily strenght? Please Lord, I wasn't demanding anything from you, but it is the only way to do thing and that is to rely 100% in your strenght and your purpose. Forgive me Lord whenever I sins against you, deliver me out of temptation, when I am strong in you, Lord help me to humble down myself. I am not good in pastorial care nor hospitality, I mourned to take care of people yet sometimes I am reluctant to give. I don't even possess the ability to lead myself and take care of myself well, how can I do it to others. Yes, thank you Lord I admit that whenever I helped people, that is when I using your strenght to do it, and the people I helped see me handsomely. Teach me lord, what should I do to make you happy? In Jesus name. Amen."