Take Time to Realize

Have you ever wonder why I had put this song “realize – Colbie Cailliat” - in my spaces.live.com. For so long I did not change it, because it has the meaning that I am telling someone repeatedly. Even recently if she had ever see my personal message on the MSN messenger, I had always there to put some clues to what I have done and my perception on our situation. I hope all the friends around helping us to get along back as soon as possible. I know girls are more sensitive, so I think I am the one who have to give more patient to wait her to realize what I have just realized. I am actually happy that I found my true self back, but she lost hers then make me feel bad. Yesterday I was reading her blog and I was very disappointed of her, and I keep on scolding every line of her words, I keep on saying why? You are not who you are right now, the Vri I know last time already had died. I just hoping that she will realize what is this all about and live again to be like herself once more. I know she had been through a lot of hard time in the past and friendship means a lot for her. I know she still have the phobia of going back church to serve, and this brakes my heart whenever she say she wants to stay the way she is right now, never intended face it. I put a hot head last Friday to push out all those past failures and trouble that hasn’t solve yet for her. But I think I had give her a wrong signal, and fail to see the light of it. She is depressed and have her mask on, she is now stay as Idle mode, she keep on letting her pessimist self controls over her.


For me there is no such things as after declare becoming friends will break the friendship afterwards can go back to strangers. They can be enemy, an intimate enemy. I made myself enemy to her is to reflect her real self and all those escaping things wouldn’t work out. I had became a weird mirror to her, and keep on hurting her and make her lost her patient and trust in me. When she is emotional, it reflect the time when I was like her. I am too very stupid, letting emotion controls over me and emotions make the decision. I thought she was strong enough, but I never expected that she also lost herself too. Again girls are sensitive. I thought she can still stay positive but no. But I thank God that I became more thankful to what the situation has to give me, the lesson of life, appreciation. I never will appreciate something not until I have lost it, just like our friendship. I had never been so concentrate in human relationships not like this, I did not really care about what people feeling and not even myself. After I attained the self love knowledge, I start to see that this love can reflect to others. But it isn’t always happy, I was just too concern about how to get rid of the pessimistic self of her, then eventually ends up like this. Yes, at first I was emotional that day, but afterwards I am using it as a tool to make it up for both us to promote a well-being. That evening I actually nearly wanted to kneel down and beg her become my girlfriend, and my eagerness and selfish desire has over thrown me, but in my heart struggles that because I do not wanted to provoke her to be my girlfriend because I know it is not the time yet, I did not have the qualities that she can accept. I mean if you are her, how can you accept a guy who is childish, lustful, and irresponsible, unable to give security and trust and confidence? Of cause not. Yet I have done it. I break my promise that will not do it but I did it. No wonder she did not wanted forgive me, and perhaps it needs time to shallow it down first.

Now I am still learning something, patience. Patience will do, then I will wait for the right moment to take my moves. During waiting what shall I do? I will prepare myself to become more and more like my real self, and utilize all skills as a part of me. To become a better man. I promise that, I will become a better man. I will give my service to everyone around me, and I had to learn how to put my time in my charge that I will have enough rest, physical educations, academic, spiritual warfare and social world. Deep down God has answered my prayers, I say: “O Lord take my lust away so that I can see what real love to a woman is.” My lust gone now, I see what love can really does, give me the strength to cycle and race before the rain fall and I am able to rush back and give you the vitamin C that heals your immune system. I know you don’t play mind games, so I’ll just say those Kiwi is from me. Health is important as much as your emotional life and spiritual life. I can help you endure it if you let me in. Because now I learn what is the real meaning of friendship, I just manage to build up the level of intimacy, maybe this is what I do best.