Lesson of Vulnerable Emotion - Part 2

We had a big talk yesterday, and as I expected the outcome, and I know what is the best for both of us is to stay neutral as friends. Well I wasn’t intentionally wanted to crush our friendship, but it was way too emotional for me to control what is going on inside the few cubical neurotic matters, I mean the brain. I lost my rationality to make decision, and I am selfish, weak that time. I felt regret and guilty after we end our conversation, and my heart is more painful than what lust could have done to me, because I loose her as my friend. Among all friends in my class, she is the one who really can open up and talk to and she was special to me. Now the truth reveals, God told me: “Thomas, please wait” God is right, I should not do this, but for the sake of learning, pain is required, the question are you willing to suffer that pain and later heal by God. I felt guilty in the sense that I think she got this result possibly I am one of the factor that make her can not excel. She almost got below than 2.0 for CGPA, but I really thank God that she get through it though it is not so bright. This makes me fearful of being a threat and enemy to her, simply I am another emotional disturber. I feel I really need to talk to her again in a rational way, because yesterday it really wasn’t me talking.
Since if what yesterday works, then she will not be viewing my blog anymore and no one will, she is my most visited blogger and she is to me. So I just want to make this an alternative, if she didn’t pick my phone.

“Vri, I know it has been a hard time for both of us, and you really think that I am that kind of person? No. I couldn’t imagine a girl strong like you, hard like a rock can be defeat by my frustrations and desperation. See, I told you this was an aspect of death, despair. The death of the heart as well as a relationship. I thought you are strong enough to take this, to motivate me up to the right thing. To describe my condition yesterday was like a high speed car running without a break. I knew things could become like this, I know the consequences, I know it is hurt, tiresome and sad. But I am such a weakling that I could not stop this from happening. If you really want to mad at me then go ahead, and I am happy if you do. I need your respond face to face, I need to see through your tiny eyes to understand what you feel. Don’t put your mask on, be real to me, that is why I seek to talk to you face to face. Only words tells nothing, not accurate until we experience the feeling in those words. I have request, you have to trust me Vri. You have to trust me. Give me a chance to show you who I really is, the true Thomas. This whole thing was meant to heal you Vri, not me. I don’t want you to put your mask on. Tell me your feelings, trust me. So that I could help you to release it. Even you trust in God, problem still came right? Same to me, you trust me doesn’t mean that it will not happen again. I hope stronger after learning this lesson just like I did. I admit to you I have grown stronger yesterday. And my counselor was right, she believe I can do it before the next meeting during Monday, Friday was just perfect. (23 oct. 09) I didn’t ask for your forgiveness, but I ask you to become stronger to stay rational and do not beat by me. I told I was dangerous man to know. Since we know each other already, we had to risk it and learn through it. May I host you a dinner to night? And got this all straight. Thanks.”