The day before yesterday, I woke up 9:30am and I did not really have the concentration on what I am reading in the morning devotion, supposedly I should be learning from Acts, what I can retrieve is only the stories not the lessons. Maybe I put myself too much expectation, well I just let it lose, I admit that I learn only the stories about the deciple's life after the ascension of Christ and the work of apostle Paul. I could hardly tell myself "It's Okay, at least you do devotion right now". Well I busted up yesterday night before we celebrate Miller's 20th birthday, when we were having a devotion before hand. I face the trouble Angi once had, that she shared that she totally can't feel the presence of God, and the people around her encourage her to continue seek God. Well finally I see the maturity and growth in her and also in everyone else yesterday, because we invite God into our lives, surrendered hearts to be mold by God. I struggled yesterday because while we are praying, I was expecting some prayer topics to pray about, but it just go random or I didn't focus. When I close up my eyes I was struggling to stay awake, because I was too sleepy, or should I admit I am tired after playing basketball or I been attacked? Well, I think it is time for me to realise that I still having a perfectionist style in handling things, it is my pro and also it is my con. I get frustrated when I can't hit the target. I think I still need more time to handle this shit.
Yesterday, I was having a very well morning devotion with God and I am on fasting breakfast to read his words and pray. Everything goes well not until I sin again, but I never expected that I will do the same sin again. I am not fine, I am disturbed, a human mind wake up every morning does not healthy enough to think tomorrow will be the end of the world, and what do I focus on? Shall I continue live in my old life style that lived in vain? Or should I saves the motor: "Gotta save one more for Jesus!" When I am having the foundation of faith with Miller in the afternoon, I recall about what have I learn in the morning devotion, but I never expected I do fall afterwards, is it my mistake? Who to blame? No I don't play blaming game, so I will just focus on the solution rather find fault with anyone even God. I know God is angry at me right now, but in the same time he is patient of my changes, well what shall I say? I am in deep pain right now, one pain which can blind me from everything good. I admit I am wrong and with great struggle I must get to know how to surrender myself to God. Still, I am not the answer for myself, the answer is in God, that only Him can solve this, and only Him can change me. This is gonna be really hurts! Yesterday I hears Him, "You will surey pain for what you have done this evening" Then I injured myself accidentally after playing basketball, then damn it hurts, the wound in the heart rather on the opening of my physical wounds. Bloody hell, I say I will not do that again. Repentance is:
1.) Pain for it - being sorrowful
2.) Confessing the sins to the Lord
3.) Turning away from our wicked ways
4.) Hate sin!!!
5.) Paying back for what we have done wrong
Looks like I am only in the first step of the whole process of repentance...
Now the real meat is up, I mean I am the fresh meat. The results is out and I am excited to see a success in it because I really does study so real and hard for something that you couldn't see last time. I really put my effort in with all confidence I have I walk in to the examination hall and with joy that I complete those papers and wishing it all goes well. Unfortunately when you read on you feel the heat in my blog, am I right about you? You wonder why am I so angry while I writing this? Because it is fated and all those who are taking the same paper with me should praise the Lord! I say I don't play blame game but, I can't control it, eventually I don't blame God and the fire is against me. I flame myself up, feel like want to beat people up! No, it was a lie that I prepare enough for exam, there is no such thing as last minute can score A thing. I think I had been a morron to think that I am stupid enough to get an A with last minute studies. You don't wanted to know my result, it is fated and I fainted, I got 2.15 GPA and thank God I din't go under it and thank God that most of my friend get to continue, and unfortunate for those who will be facing probation. Shit this drop my CGPA to 2.8 damn it. Nevermind let this fire pass and I will stand up, remember what I have told you the day 21 of dec? The mustard seed theory! I will stand up! and I shall taste the sweetness of getting 3.5. I am not crazy but I am serious. See ya'll.
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