Moonlight Reflection

When you stare upon the moon you will see the light reflected from the sun. A lot of time people use moonlight reflection to metaphorize how they reflect their feelings and their memories from the past. This January has nearly come to its end, and there is a lot of accomplishment done and was put into hardwork with sweat and blood. The Jan Boom Project has coming to its end too. The next thing we will do is on top of a mountain, we will go Adeline resthouse which is located in the regions of Gopeng, Perak. I am seeking another success in it, for all these success has proven our faith in God grows and without God all this wouldn't have been done at all. So I thank God for all of these that has been so successful.

This whole January can consider the busiest month of all, I can't imagine that God's blessing is so amazing that when you invite Him into your presence that He will work through you through the Holy Spirit. But there is a little thing I have to admit here is that I am getting complacent, and I detected this complacency in me and this is a sure sign I need to do something with it. I already 3 days did not do my devotion and it stops, and I have been given myself enough excuse to rest and holiday for both body and spirit. I mean I am so idiot, "SPIRIT NEVER REST!" I have been giving me an excuse that spirit should rest, but I forgotten that my spirit is God's not mine, and I have been issuing command to myself again and left God astray. Though I am sure God is kind enough for me right now and had been given an ultimatum that I should change my course back on His track, or else He is going to be mad again. Lets end today with all the things in it, and begin a new day tommorow.

It is not good for me to play computer games, and I think I shouldn't play it even for once. God had told me not to entertain fleshly desires, but why am I such stubborness to put it in to a test? For this I am not testing my fleshly desires but also put God in the test. I apologize to you God, I really useless and folly to put you in the test, please guide me to grow stronger to become more like Christ so that I would sin against you. For all these days has past through I feel the growth in spirit in me and I had become more like my trueself again, working out of joy and having peace in mind. I have little distraction previously and I do serve very well, but not until recently I put myself into the test and I am a fool, now I have drop down into my very own deathtrap. I really certain that tomorrow will back to God again, I just need some time to adjust my mind back to it.

Well then here by I also weary about my assignments and studies, because recently I didn't touch any of my academic files and I hoping someone else in the assignment group plan what is our moves, because I had been too busy with the Jan Boom Project. Well I need you all to pray that I may attain wisdom on time managing and task management. I know there is still space for me to take charge in the assignment progress, piano classes, my revision work and also my personal relationship with God, but somehow I did not ultilize all the time I had. I hate to waste time, but one of my enemy is the sloth within that keep telling me that I do not have enough energy to proceed.

About my love life, nothing significant happens lately, maybe I finally get my love and belongingness need satisfied and esteem too, so I can say I am self-actualized because I start to give out the B-values that Maslow use to say. I am not boasting here but I am on my way to become more and more self-actualized. This is because the blessing of God, because every brothers and sisters pray for each other's growth and needs. God has satisfied our needs so that we can serve Him with all we got.

Um... its getting late, tomorrow had sunday service and I better sleep earlier.

"CARRY NOT THE PAST INTO THE PRESENT"

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. - Matthew 6:34 (NIV)

V - Connected

Finally the day has come for us to be connected to each other. All the freshmen and all their seniors has come togather as a great gathering tonight which I couldn't wait to see. Tonight we will make history, the history of each of our profiles recorded in the book of the living and the dead. For so long we have waited and prepared, and this is the day we do our best to touch the lives of others through Christ. I remember the last time when they are having this kind of activity while I still were a freshmen I did not join them, and I say it is what a waste that I did not go. But tonight it is a different story, I am one of the commitee to bring light into this event, and again we will make history out of it. And for tonight this is what happens...

Target reached but I don't know whether the objectives met? We all having real fun throughout whole night, and it seems everyone is enjoying it. Well I am first time an MCEE in an event, but I have to admit there is still a lot more space for me to improve. No doubt, I am happy with my performance tonight, "not bad for a first-timer". Well, there is much preparatory work back then, I am sure this time I might have fulfill some of these 5 P's concept "Proper planning prevents poor performance".

Since everyone is happy and I also have made this a compliment for myself. What a great success tonight and it could be a memoriable moment that all the seniors meeting up their juniors. Today I saw a lot more miracle happens, and this is the testimony to night. First, I and Miller were on a ride and rushing for diner, unfortunately the rain getting heavy and I was praying in silent at the back of the motor. I prayed: "Lord please, may there be no rain until everyone is securely shelter in "Shalome" (Ministry house's name)" But the rain is still getting heavy, and Miller say want to turn back but I believe God will stops the rain so I said to Miller straight ride to Hing Long to eat. What I saw was a perfect cut from above the clouds, the rain clouds was divided into half so in our town it wasn't raining at all. It has not been raining after that incident tonight.

Another miracle happens is the blessing of the Holy Spirit to give us wisdom on our sketch and also MCEE. Sometime it was not our own strenght to become such versatile PIC, but really all came so sudden into our unconcious mind and do our parts perfectly. This happens especially in the sketch. Angie has dificulty memorizing the script, but finally manage to use her own creativity to continue acting. Thanks be to God that he gave us a wonderful receptor and emitter in us, that is the power of our unconcious mind.

MAY THE JOY OF THE LORD BE WITH YOU

AS YOU SERVE HIM,

FOR GOD LOVES A CHEERFUL GIVER ^^

THANKS BE TO ALL OF YOU, WITHOUT YOUR EFFORT;

TONIGHT WILL NOT COME TRUE.

Light of the world

This month is a busy month, after the assignments are given by our lecturers and tutors. I and my team started off doing draft work for our assignments especially the report writting and its content. This year's CNY came is a wrong timing for all of us, we thought that we will have more free time to celebrate our annual chinese new year but it wasn't goes like that. Besides everyone is busying about other thing else this whole month and the next. I never thought that I can cope with stress and do on the responsibility that had given on me. All that sudden I become a class rept. for cognitive psychology tutorial group two and some assignment leader, and what is more important now is my responsibility to manage well in the incoming V-connect and V-camp that will be held this thursday and the next saturday and sunday. Good news is that the event we planned to carry out has nearly come to its end and the GSM and dedication is quite sucessful and I am looking forward to make the V-connect and V-camp to be successful too.

This is the first time I really put my full effort in a committee to make contribution. Though this is the first time, but already counted as successful, but there is some mistake people make can't avoid because of lack of experience on managing things. This recall the 5P's I learn last time (Proper Planning Prevents Poor Performance), but sometimes things just din't comes into my mind when I plan how I manage my things well. But nevermind I couldn't believe I start to accept challenges and accept critics from people, I start to learn new things. This year is really a new begining for me, the gap between my trueself and ideal self is moving closer togather, and there is a lot more explaination now, but what I can summarize is that I started to serve with Joy, really God answer my prayers and the Holy Spirit is working in me.

The title today, the light of the world, really start to reflect what we do starts to shines, I really hope that all that we had done do it for the glory of God. I believes that what we do this whole month, fasted and prayed, and sacrifice out our personal time for God really make God smiles. Brothers and Sisters, let's continue to shine for the Lord our God.

"THE JOY OF THE LORD IS MY STRENGHT!"

It is clear

There is much more things revealed in a shine of the light. The shadows in us uncovers, all the shame, fleshly desires, hidden truth, and the ugly truth is written all over our faces and bodies. There is much truth that we can't deny, but to accept the true nature as what we are created here for. What I am trying to say here is that everyone has their fleshly desires, which Abraham Maslow pioneered his hierarchy of needs. The needs for food, drink, fresh air, and suitable temperature in an environment. These are the physiological needs, and we are to have the desire to get it only to survive. Second level is the needs of safety, finding a shelter, bunker up ourselves from danger, and settle down in a peaceful environment. Without meeting up these needs, we are not going any futher to the next level of needs that is love and belongingness. Because of this need, I started a lot of thinking, do I really satisfied with this to get along towards self-actualization? Logically I did, I have lovely brothers and sisters in a church and a lot more friends outside in the campus, and lovely family that is increasingly intimate, most of all I have a loving Father who was and is in the heaven. Logically, I satisfy my needs in here, but there is still something missing.

Maybe I shouldn't use Maslow's theory on this one. Practically to explain these I should us the psychosexual theory by Frued. I am sometimes striving for sex and it is no good to me. All is in the wrong timing, wrong place and wrong motive. For some extend I will hate myself sometimes for not having self-control, but the Lord teaches us not to do self-condemnation. Am I sex seeking or love seeking? Lust and love they are not the same! And this is the truth. But one horrible truth is that man are created to be sexually active type, so I have to apologize here to all the girls, please tolerate the people who are doing something provoking these sex topic. I urge you sisters to understand the brothers that the inner nature somehow is like a monster, a sex machine, brothers suffers to control this behaviour so that the sisters are not stumble by the brothers. Please I urge you all to understand our situation.

I made an inference that women are created to control man's sexual behaviour, and man are made to give woman security and protection in a family. Or in other words, woman are more like woman when they know more about man, and man become more like man when they know more about women. I am not saying all these in sexual activity context, but it was about the sexual energy between gender. If you still can't get my concept you can refer to the old chinese teaching of ying and yang. The passive and active energy of life. Without sex human can't reproduce, without love human won't live.

Much confusion the devil has twisted into our mind, I am disappointed to see my dirtiness as so common among the people around my age. While I am doing my dedication on fund raising to sell cookies all around the hostles, what I find out is the responses that most of the students give. The first expression they give is that they talk about their BGR (Boy Girl Relationship) status, what cames across their minds are to give the gift to their boy or girlfriend. What about other friends that are around? What about the lecturer and tutors that you all appreciated about? Where are they in your mind? I was deeply pierce into my heart that I also do has the same mentality as they. I grieved in sorrow while I read about 1 corinthians chapter 7, that the truth is we are not necessary to get marry. Among my culture, marraige is one of the biggest event in each human lives ，“终生大事”. Once I despair towards my mother that I don't wanted to get marry, and wouldn't put an eye on a girl. Sometimes I hated girls for they are such seducing naturally, and I hated that I lost my mind into dirtiness. Why am I such a weakling that guard so lose of my own mind?

I am sick recently, maybe because I am sick, my body is weak, and so do my mind. I think the devil is start to plot attack against me again while I am in this desperate moment. I was tempted all the while to satisfy me fleshly desires for sex, computer games, slothing all the way, glutony, and folly act. I am not trying to be a perfectionist here, I was just to put myself living on the tension of maturity.(Warren, 2002) These are for some explaination why we are fasting, I do not know truely what is the meaning of fasting, but one thing I know is that fasting is to give away our rights, give away (not give up) our fleshly desires and feeds on the word of God which is our spiritual food. Man doesn't live on bread alone, they need love and all other physiological needs. See through it, I am sure I am transforming into something I couldn't imagine, but I am sure I am a bit more learning to be like Christ. Pray for my sickness and my spiritual growth. May all the Love, Joy and the peace of the Lord be with you all always. Amen.

Restless Day and Nights

Today is the fourth day I counted that I am under stress. For what reason I stressed? I still do not know, what I know is the stress starts when the school starts. Maybe I was worried about the assignments given and all the responsibility that I need to carry out throughout these January intake events. I use to say that I am a person that can't take big responsibility and large sum of responsibility. I can't make a firm decision because whenever I make a decision, I feared the comment from other person and somehow being criticized. All in all, I am still gutless. "胆小鬼" I am a victim of fear, couldn't handle much challenges. Most of the time I will only make a fake smile infront of people but feel uneasy behind the scene, I often forgotten the reason of being happy and joyful is. Yesterday's blog was a big encouragement talk and gives motivation to whom that has read it. All these if do not have an authentic acceptance and faith, it could mean nothing to all of us.

I am much troubled when I saw Vri had struggled over some matters, I may have irrational perception on what she is facing but I am sure that she is struggling over these matters, e.g. Conflicting friendship, responsibility as a student and also responsibility as member in a church. All lot of time people thinks word of encouragement alone can help to ease the pain, but it is wrong, the word of encouragement is effective when the encourager truely understand how the receiver feels. I saw Miller also struggling over some matters too, and also I see the same eyes in Vivian, Joyce, Bee Ling, and most of all Joshua. Everyone has their own struggle, wrestle with the mind, and the enemy of the spirit. What more can I do? What I have learn is not to put other person's worry unto ourselves that we suffers unnecessary pain that is in extra load. We have enough worries on our own each and everyday. Am I a fool that think that I can make others happy when I am not happy? For there is a saying "When I am truely happy only that can I make others happy" or should I interpret it in a different context? That is "When I truely love myself; the love itself will reflect on others." What girls are so sensitive about is the trueself within each person, that is why girls likely to be attracted to those whom really mature and authentic. They see confidence not the result, they see the hardwork behind the scene not the output, they see the amount of love put in not the aggression for success. This is why I thanked God that He created women to be a helper for men to live more maturely. My mind is filling up again, I shall put this mind into rest, but what I hope is that we all really put in our confidence, our perseverance and love in whatever we do, we do it for the glory of God. As for me came a friendly advise, that is to pray always to the Lord, cry out that may the love, joy and peace be with us forever, so that we can fulfill this undying wish to make people happy, because when we are truely joyous it will reflect onto others. Amen.

Notes: Vri, when you are reading this I also want you to open up your bible to 1 Corinthians 12 - 14, these two chapters may give you guidance on your question about the Spiritual giftings and about tongue. Thanks.^^

Welcome to Hell

I hear the song of war in my head, the clashing metals in the barracks, defenders preparing the catapults and the archers at the volley. Shieldmens in the front lines and horsemen and spearmen garrison in their formation. As thousands of enemy march in one voice moving nearer and nearer to our stronghold, they stoped and the emissary shout for peace on these land and proclaimed sharing the soil and water togather in peace. Without hesitation we all know what they came for, without mercy we slay the foe, and this rages the war.

Ok, story time over, that is how my life is like right now. Figthing a spiritual warfare, mentality warfare and this will never end. My friends, take courage as though the Lord seems to far from you, but He is with you. As you acknowledge that the Joy of the Lord is my strength, you are a victor because of Christ Jesus. You have no authority to drive out temptation you will face, but in faith we prayed to the Lord that he will strengthens our spirit and deliver us out of it. God's grace is sufficient, He will not allow us to endure what we can't endure or suffers what we can't suffer, because of His mighty love grant mercy on us, so that we are secure in Him. This is what makes people build up a slogan that nothing is impossible. My friends, as you are reading all this, I wanted to encourage you to seek the Lord always, I know you are serving the Lord with all your strength, your mind, your soul, and with all your spirit, yet you feel tired and stumbled by the problem faced. Take heart my friends, for God will never let his servant fight the war alone.

My friends, I know that all of us now struggling for more free time on our own, because we feel tired after straining to serve the Lord right after we came back from school. The spirit is willing but the body is weak. As I myself also has this struggle in me, so I am joyful that I will endure with you, my friends, so that we may uphold each another in our daily prayers. The assignments from school, the revision work, homeworks, the relationship network with the people outside and other friends that are conflicting, and the time spend in business to serve the project that we committed to do for the sake of our Lord and etc. is all what we going to endure. I am sure that the Lord our God will surely look after us when we are weak, that is why we need to seek Him. As the scripture teaches:

" Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for rightousness, for they shall be satisfied. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when other revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you." - the beatitudes (Matt. 5: 3-12, ESV)

I hope everyone who are mourning and suffer from stress and conflicts, after reading this may the spirit of God refreshes you and may the love, peace and joy of the Lord continue to be with you always. Amen!

The Hand of God

It was a wonderful week that has been gone through, the week of GSM, Good Samaritan work. The next coming up event is today, that we will start our dedication to search deep in to the hostle of every freshmen in UTAR, Kampar. I feel joyous, whenever I see these people are blessed by God, and I am happy, because I stand on the other side that is serving and see that the other people that I serve is happy because we gave. Unfortunately until today although I am serving with what I can do, but still having a problem with concentrating on it, first is my relationship and second is my study. I read 1 Corinthians 7 today, and my heart was troubled, because Paul said it is not necessary that everyone to get married, because when we are single we can put full effort and give full attention on pleasing God. Supposedly when I am serving, I do have concentration, but not until yesterday when I came back from school, Miller called me over to have a session for foundation of faith. He talk about prayer, and challenged me something, though I know what is the stucture for prayer but I feel wierd to follow roboticly, so we concluded the most important part is to pray with faith, not the structure. He challenge me about the defination of what is a mature means. Supposedly I know the anwser by saying: "We make a living with what we get; we make a life with what we give!" It is to give, knowing how to give and care for others, that is maturity. Am I mature? I don't have the confident to say I am. Am I ready to serve? Though I am serving in a little part, but I didn't expect for more responsibility, and I say I am not ready.

I am reluctant to talk about my relationship with Vri right now, because I start to get frustrated that God doesn't intend us to be togather, for Joshua and Bee Kim had waited and fasted 40 days and prayed 3 years only gets the confirmation. Then? What am I right now? The more when I walked closer to God and the more I walk closer to Vri, once again I lost my confident, because I am tempted again, for I found out that Vri has certain level of interest in me, and we are getting more and more intimate in our friendship. The further we go, the more temptation arise, why? This morning when I wake up the first thing come to my mind is "I love her, but I also love God, I need to put God higher than her." I think I need to discuss this matter with Joshua and other elders, so that I may not stumble, Miller once advise me to saparate me from Vri so that I totally cut off from all the temptation which devil used her to against me. I couldn't done that, because I still want to build a friendship with her. If God never intend us to be togather, then I am a fool to put my hope in her, and this is immaturity. I learn one thing from the word earnest, that this word is build from eagerness and honesty, so I prayed with eagerness this morning about our relationnship and honest about my feelings to God, oh! I am totally trasparent! Life is indeed difficult.

But I shall have myself back right now, there is a lot more things I need to do out of Joy, with peace in mind and Love each another with brotherly affection. Later I am going into campus, so I shall not bring along this emotion there. What left here is the understanding of what had I felt this morning and later I might need to talk to her about this.

"FEAR NOT FOR I HAVE MADE GOD MY CONFIDENCE"

Undercover mission

Today I woke up 6 in the morning, and after having devotion I gave Vri and Miller a morning call. AND today is our Orientation's tele-match and games! Happy for Vri that she became a facilitator in a station game, and her game was to make people wet >.< but I don't mind, as long others get wet haha. I am reassigned to be in a undercover mission to join this event as freshies. Well there are a lot more experience I could get inside this event too. My primary objectives is to know at least 2 new people, but I get to know 7 and only had a phone number from one of them, and his name is Jun Xian, others are Kai Xuen, Zi Teong, Jack, Sam and our tanker. Well it was a really good start for me.

In the afternoon I ate lunch at school with these a bunch of commitees, facis, and helpers. Then gone home and go siesta. When I wake up I wrote the script for this incoming welcoming night or V-connect for all freshmen who interested to join Hope Kampar. It is on 28 Jan 2010, 8pm sharp in 128, Jalan Perak 22, bandar baru Kampar, Perak. My very own impression on this presentation sketch was to make people realize the power of our choices. About this sketch I write a synopsis here:

lol, I almost tell all the story here, if everyone who acknowledge this can come to join us, if you are in Kampar. So the main point is, whatever you chose now bring consequences to the next event, so if you chose to mingle with wrong people you will be influence by them. So God bless you all freshmens in UTAR that you all may find the right people to join with.

"There was a boy dreamed to get out from his parent's cage and go overseas to study and enjoy life in foreign campus. He finally succeed that this dream is coming true, he happily pack-up everything and journey all the way to Malaysia from Indonesia.Unfortunately he met his parents following him to where he goes, but he successfully escaped from them. After he entered the campus (UTAR) He discover all kinds of lifestyle and activities that people carrying out inside and around the campus. However, as he was naive, and he was thinking, a voice came to him and confused him, but another voice helping him to get his mind right. He struggled and ... ..."

As for the time is raining I also finish writing the script I left with a little time for myself to play a little computer game, haha, for so long I haven't touch the computer game but now I am getting rusty with it. Well it is a good sign that I have changed. The fruit of the Holy Spirit really can work out, when you have the spirit, you have self-control.

As for the night I spend my dinner with some lecturers, they are christians and are colleagues of Mr. Doh. Well we all have fun time fellowship there but still can't get away with the pressure of because they are lecturers. I keep on tell myself, we are all friends when we are off duties. But I will try not to say to myself as a student that a student have off duties, haha, because everyday lived as a student, and the life is the work of a student.

After dinner we all have our care group once again. Tonight was a wonderful night that I get impressed of all the PIC and the program flow. I love tonight's care group.

Have fun! God Bless you...

Tune up my EQ

Today's morning devotion I suddenly turn to this booklet while I wanted to read the bible (it is inside my bible's cover) and I finally realize how prideful I am while I attending this workshop during the 14th MNC 2009 at PICC. Well I heard in me, this is not for the day while I am in MNC, I finally understand that God actually meant this booklet for me to read today. I read it, and I saw the different thing that I once learn during the workshop and now. Really I wanted to admit, when I having pride, I can't learn more because I saturated myself in the things that I thought I already know.

The first thing I recover back is what is the differences of these three classes of emotion, that is Holy, Human and also Fleshly emotions. The goal in every human life is to move closer and closer toward the image of Christ (Ideal self), I was challenge that time, because I still think God has a certain level of envy, but in fact that God has nothing that is not ideal, if God is not perfect then how can He made Himself a standard for us to strive to? So just believe God is all holy and that is the ideal figure that we all are moving towards. Human emotion is not evil, but it is base on the situation we are facing, such as stress, isolation, desperation, pain, fear, sad and etc. But on the other hand the fleshly emotion is evil, it was all born from sin and it become an illusion to us that this is our true nature and that some people explained human are evil.

There is an distinction made between human efforts and with the help of the Holy Spirit. Remember the fruits of the holy spirit? Galatian 5:22-23 NIV "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." When we really humble down ourselves and that is when you are truly welcomed the Holy Spirit to work in you, and you will be blessed by all these fruits, these fruits are not breeds from human efforts but the help of the Holy Spirit. With all the emotions that afflicted in me, I couldn't tell what it is recently, and I describe my emotion as null feeling. This explained when I realize that I worked everything on my own and get desolated and say where is God? I tried to put everything up right and I keep on asking why, try to find out reasons and solution on my own, and I am stressed and desperated. I had struggled with emotions these past few days, but thank God he bring me back today. A lot of time it wasn't God withdrawn His presence from us, but it was us who withdrawn from Him, that we often try our old ways to solve problem, and that is trying all the best on our own without letting the Spirit of God to help us. We don't need to worry wether or not we can control our emotion because when you let the Holy Spirit to work in you, one of the fruit is self-control, technically by human efforts, it is futile against our self-discipline, because we are overwhelmed by our habits and character, that we must need the Holy Spirit's help to change the undesired behaviour and cognition and affection. Now I understand God is the greatest counsellor. There is no need a human counsellor when everyone knows how to let God had fully worked in us. By no accident in my devotion bible reading I had come across Romans 5: 3-5, it has a very similar thing I saw from Frank Outlaw's formation of our character and destiny.

I will explain here, the Joy in suffering related to the time while you having a distressed moment, it start with your thinking and your very own believe system about that matter. You had an amount of stressful emotion in you and you try to use words to explain your thought out. If the interpretation is wrong in this step and often by human effort it is wrong so breed a wrong action. In here endurance is the action and made it a habit if possible. This endurance made possible when we let God work in us, because of the fruits of the Holy Spirit. Endurance is an action! Once you made endurance your habit it become your character also, that you have sucessfully bring God into your life that breeds hope in you and that is the destiny you will find.

Thank you God for this wonderful wisdom and knowledge. I will pray that I will humble down myself and have a heart of worship always, that I may rest in God's help. For I know that on my own efforts often get me into traps and foolishness, but in God I am wise. Amen.

"DO NOT FIGHT SIN ON YOUR OWN, PLEASE.

LET GOD HELP YOU."

Mind your head

Sometimes whenever I will be, surely I will knock my head on the wall. It is not fun when knocking your head on a concrete wall, it is damn hurt. I remember when I was in standard six I kicked some cracks from the floor and I felt and hit my forehead on the pipe. My head swollen and it lasted for a month.

Life is like that, you surely will knock your head on the wall then you will experience pain and suffers for a period of time to gain experiences to live a life toward self-actualization. Honestly I still can't tell you who I am right now, because I am still finding my actual self.

This week is somewhat another spiritual warfare to me, I almost started a war with God today, and I was troubled with some dreams and bible verses, and I am even more interupted when I heard the stories from Mei Wei. This morning I read Romans Chapter one to three, and I feel like God is scolding me about my unrighteousness, and I thought it was just a simple lesson today. But it intensify when I heard Mei Wei's story about what had happend yesterday night, and we read Jeremiah 49. I begin to feel fear, God is angry somehow, but who tempering His anger? Immediately I fell silent and feel a strange feeling, the feeling like there are no more winds to blow, no waves on the sea and not even a leave move on a tree, and it was total silent, no sound, nothing. Suddenly reminds me about my dream
 "yesterday that I and Joshua and some companions traveling a far and get lost. I don't know why and by what accident that we all fell into a wet concrete drain, and it is heavily polluted, because the drain was decending and wet, we all skated down stream and along the drain I saw some houses landed just right on the drains, I successfully grap on a pillar and stoped in one of the house and I saw foods in there, and I say: "There must be someone lived here, but how come someone can stand it to live in such places." I was holding my breath at first so I don't smell the odour, but finally I also got to catch me breath, but the smell is too bad and I almost vomited, then I woke up."
Does this means anything to you who are reading this?

It may just be a dream, but I had never dream so intense before that I can still remember it so clearly until now.- My mom sure will say to me that I am out of my mind.

For now I don't wanted to think too much, for there are many reasons that I am mentally troubled, and I still don't know how to solve it, so I just try not to think about it. Keep your mind fresh and watch it, I might not feed wrong information into my mind...

I am very sleepy now, so I guess I will share more about what is going on this week to you guys, keep the watch here. Thanks and happy reading^^

Fated and Fainted

The day before yesterday, I woke up 9:30am and I did not really have the concentration on what I am reading in the morning devotion, supposedly I should be learning from Acts, what I can retrieve is only the stories not the lessons. Maybe I put myself too much expectation, well I just let it lose, I admit that I learn only the stories about the deciple's life after the ascension of Christ and the work of apostle Paul. I could hardly tell myself "It's Okay, at least you do devotion right now". Well I busted up yesterday night before we celebrate Miller's 20th birthday, when we were having a devotion before hand. I face the trouble Angi once had, that she shared that she totally can't feel the presence of God, and the people around her encourage her to continue seek God. Well finally I see the maturity and growth in her and also in everyone else yesterday, because we invite God into our lives, surrendered hearts to be mold by God. I struggled yesterday because while we are praying, I was expecting some prayer topics to pray about, but it just go random or I didn't focus. When I close up my eyes I was struggling to stay awake, because I was too sleepy, or should I admit I am tired after playing basketball or I been attacked? Well, I think it is time for me to realise that I still having a perfectionist style in handling things, it is my pro and also it is my con. I get frustrated when I can't hit the target. I think I still need more time to handle this shit.

Yesterday, I was having a very well morning devotion with God and I am on fasting breakfast to read his words and pray. Everything goes well not until I sin again, but I never expected that I will do the same sin again. I am not fine, I am disturbed, a human mind wake up every morning does not healthy enough to think tomorrow will be the end of the world, and what do I focus on? Shall I continue live in my old life style that lived in vain? Or should I saves the motor: "Gotta save one more for Jesus!" When I am having the foundation of faith with Miller in the afternoon, I recall about what have I learn in the morning devotion, but I never expected I do fall afterwards, is it my mistake? Who to blame? No I don't play blaming game, so I will just focus on the solution rather find fault with anyone even God. I know God is angry at me right now, but in the same time he is patient of my changes, well what shall I say? I am in deep pain right now, one pain which can blind me from everything good. I admit I am wrong and with great struggle I must get to know how to surrender myself to God. Still, I am not the answer for myself, the answer is in God, that only Him can solve this, and only Him can change me. This is gonna be really hurts! Yesterday I hears Him, "You will surey pain for what you have done this evening" Then I injured myself accidentally after playing basketball, then damn it hurts, the wound in the heart rather on the opening of my physical wounds. Bloody hell, I say I will not do that again. Repentance is:
   1.) Pain for it - being sorrowful
   2.) Confessing the sins to the Lord
   3.) Turning away from our wicked ways
   4.) Hate sin!!!
   5.) Paying back for what we have done wrong
Looks like I am only in the first step of the whole process of repentance...

Now the real meat is up, I mean I am the fresh meat. The results is out and I am excited to see a success in it because I really does study so real and hard for something that you couldn't see last time. I really put my effort in with all confidence I have I walk in to the examination hall and with joy that I complete those papers and wishing it all goes well. Unfortunately when you read on you feel the heat in my blog, am I right about you? You wonder why am I so angry while I writing this? Because it is fated and all those who are taking the same paper with me should praise the Lord! I say I don't play blame game but, I can't control it, eventually I don't blame God and the fire is against me. I flame myself up, feel like want to beat people up! No, it was a lie that I prepare enough for exam, there is no such thing as last minute can score A thing. I think I had been a morron to think that I am stupid enough to get an A with last minute studies. You don't wanted to know my result, it is fated and I fainted, I got 2.15 GPA and thank God I din't go under it and thank God that most of my friend get to continue, and unfortunate for those who will be facing probation. Shit this drop my CGPA to 2.8 damn it. Nevermind let this fire pass and I will stand up, remember what I have told you the day 21 of dec? The mustard seed theory! I will stand up! and I shall taste the sweetness of  getting 3.5. I am not crazy but I am serious. See ya'll.

Preparatory message

Yesterday when everyone gone for devotion at Agape, I get back into the feeling again of worshiping the Lord, and I start to prayed aloud with them, we prayed for growth, guidance of the holy spirit, healing of brothers and sisters pain and sickness, the relationship with the members and God and a lot of things. It was one wonderful devotional time with a group of brothers and sisters. Then later they having a meeting of the welcoming day for freshies and I am the Chair person collaborate with sister Angi, and I don't know what else they want me to do, I just played along with them that I can be the devil or the deceiver to the main character if they wanted to do the angel and devil fight for presentation. We have a Left Four Dead 2 fellowship with Robin, Miller, Toni, and "表哥" and played until firing up, and I don't like the feeling when I started to be obessesed by the games, really makes me feel I'm not concentrating in my life, just like what it has done to me previously about the political issues that had interupted me during worship last sunday.

In the morning of the next day Calvin, Ricky, Toni, Miller and me pay a visit to Sungkai's hot spring, the place is very peaceful, tender, and refreshing. The price is affordable for couples to go, but we are not seeking for 2 person romance trip, we are seeking to have a place for 40 pax of people to sleep in for one night. The entrance price and spa everything is affordable, only the rental for rooms is more expansive than I expected, but for 2 person romance trip is worth a value, I surely will bring her there when I started dating. But sure is not within this three years. We all had a wonderful time sun tanked in the mountain water pool, though it is dirty, but we played crazy there, and shot quite a numbers of photos. Take a look by yourselves.
Those hot springs have different temperatures, but I recommended the 35-40 degree celsius, that is our body temperature surely will have yourselves relief after soaking in it. Some places can boil eggs for the water is for a 100 degree celsius. I just pray that Mr. manager of Felda hot spring villa successfully contact his colleague that he may find some place for us to dwell in during the 6 Febuary 2010.

Just now I was with the caregroup, we talked about punctuality saves lifes of others and ourselves. Time = life, we waste time = waste life. God gave us enough time to learn what life is all about and to work his mission for us. If we waste our time on useless priorities, we will just let our time stolen by ourselves and on other things. I realise that I don't have a good time management when I start to draw a statistical pie about the time used of my own, and I realise my patient for is getting off limits, and I wasn't punctual all the time. I just wanted to ask, how much your wasted on waiting other people or waiting something? Waiting is never same as wasting, we wait in patient but with action, we can read, we can do other things, but it is best for punctuality.

Likewise when we ended the caregroup, we have our "Chee Cheong Fun" fellowship, and when we all started to talk I realise that I don't have much knowledge to share with the people around, when they talk about their topics, I just listen because I have nothing share, but when comes about Left Four Dead, I am the narrator. I don't know whether I should be happy or sad about this, because I can be happy because I am responding is natural ways, and sadly I am getting addicted to the game and shows the immaturity in me. Talking about immaturity, I heard brother Doh say, "Because of a tree you destroy all other trees in the jungle" He say this when we talk about dating lifestyle in university, he never had this feeling before because he choose not to date during universities, because financially is a problem, and on the other hand we see the advantages of not dating during university. We can have our focus on the right thing that can build us up, and we can have more time on our own to explore the talent we had in ourselves, giving services to others, serving in the church and active in sports, organizational activities, and even doing own researches and studies. Today learn this, do not because of one girl I like sacrificed all the treasures around me that could even make my life more abundant, more resourceful, competent on living a more mature and realistic life. If I started dating right now, what do I miss? I lost myself, that is what Vri told me, you lost yourself when you are dating to someone, your attention often gave to the partner rather than to yourself and the social network. Balance is the key, but how to obtain balance? The balance is to start from yourselves, you need to love yourselves more, build yourselves up first, be patient towards growth, and in the right time when you reach maturity, and when you are ready, then that is the time where you start your first date. The woman will like it when you came prepare with all these little things that woman sees. Thanks to Doh, that I get this message. Because I am falling into a trap that I start to make Vri my girlfriend in my mine, I shall stop doing that right now until the day comes to its maturity.

"DO NOT BECAUSE OF ONE TREE, YOU DESTROY ALL OTHER

TREES IN THE FOREST."

Genesis

Its 3rd of January, a new starting, a new begining, a chapter of genesis about something old, and that is our lives. Yesterday I visited my old school of spiritual growth, the Methodist Youth Intermediate Fellowship (MYIF) run by a team of secondary school people. Thank God after I and Kenneth went away the number of this team grows, people who serve as leaders grows more in their experience, but there is still a lot of things they can improve. I admire the way they encourage each other to have an exploration throughout the bible, and that is the bible reading program, when you had finish a book update to Ms. Vanessa Goh by highlighting a stroke there in the spaces provided, she is their advisor right now and cool, at least got someone fully committed to guide this batch of youngsters to run this MYIF. That night we played a board game about bible quizes, and you can see the symbols all around in those boxes the tablet means the questions conducted from old testiment, the question mark represents general bible knowledge, whereas the numbers question about bible knowledge with all the numbers, and there is cross and rainbow I forgotten what is that but all of them is questions. Very fun, I am so happy I got it right almost 3/4 of the question asked me. >.<

As time goes past so fast and entering 4th of January and it is the day where I will depart again from Penang back to Kampar. Its alright I am here to tell Miller that I will come back to Kampar in one piece, haha.. ^^ About my sister, she is one big mind girl that she dreamed to become one of the famous fashion designers in the streets, well my father did not really like much about it though, but later convienced by a church friend Gloria that her niece studied fashion design and got in luxury, well I guess it was all blessing of the Lord that your life is abundance. Han Chiang College was one of the choices to make and some recommended Equator and some says Lim Kok Weng U. whatever that is, its her choice, I just provide the intel about it and she is the one who is studying all this not me, well at least got a brother finding all this for her, but not to me, no one guides me, I do it all alone, get the loan myself, and going into UTAR without friends, but now I have a bunch of maniacs with me, thank God that he blesses me with all these friends around. So I just think that my little sister just needed a bit of courage and I giving her a little bit knowledge of where to head for, and that is enough to push her out from her comfort zone to experience the world, I hope God is at work that he intended her to be a fashion designer in his kingdom. Who knows?

How about me? I had a headache struggle this morning that I can't focus on worshiping, what am I on earth that I get too fantasy into the imaginary world of mine, I can't say it here in the public so sorry, for any sensitive issues. Just trying to talk about the dirty politicians that plays their game feet wet. Sometime it make sense why there is terrorism, because the politicians aren't any better than them, it is just seeing who brings a bigger stick into a war and a liscence to kill. Nah, I should not be talk about this though. That is what I have been thinking throughout the day of worship, so I am so sorry for God that I did not put my effort to gain back attention for Him.

In this chapter of genesis, the genesis of my work for God that I had made my commitment to serve in his ministry, now I more likely focusing on evangelism work that fulfill the mission God gave us for in John 21 Jesus say feed my sheep if you love me! How well I prepare myself will be reveal when I put myself into work. This new year is a new chapter for everyone and a new chapter for me to write new lives that had added into God's kingdom, history is written by victors and that is our Lord Jesus Christ the Nazareth. Let's make history in Kampar, Miller, Vri and all the brothers and sisters go and make history for the Lord. For these few person I will commit into God's hands that they may came back to the Lord because I believe they are good instruments that God can use to expand the kingdom of God, namely Mei Wei, Shyan and Adrian. Let them humble down and see the love of our almighty God.

Alright boys and girls lock and load, we have job to do, make Him proud! Hallelujah!

Death trap

I mean the yesterday's yesterday, I missed one day for not updating my blog because I am not around and slept early. Let me continue the story after getting in to the arsenals. On MSN I chat with some of the old pals in Penang telling them I am back here on Penang. I was very happy to have time to chat with them and I heard Irene say she wanted to go clubbing and I was too excited to join them and almost forgot what I have promised not to do. Clubbing is not a place that suits me, finally I strongly rejected and opposed my old pals that I can't join them. I mean when I came to realization, I said to myself: "Friends, you have gone into the path that I could not follow." I kept saying I quited drinking and persuade them to let me go, but it did not work out well, we finally made it to "STICK" a new restaurant allocated outside the south zone at queen's bay mall. They are all ready to go for clubbing and drinks, and I am the only one who having the dinner there, I mean only I eating whereas the three of them just drink some juice for later if go with a full stomach will vomit after drinking. At first I thought Carmen and Irene is on myside supporting me not to go, but I disapointed at what they are right now. Not to mention Simon my ex-big brother, that influenced my life for almost these 7 years in school. After dinner we gone to Taman Perkaka to play snooker.

That is not the exact photo from my camera, its from google search. But I just want you to get the picture of my story. That time I really desperate and asked God if you really want me to go and you are sending me into this meat grinder then show me some sign. With a confused heart I duel with Simon and say if God don't want me to go then I will win this game. Unfortunately, I missed a round and I just missed a shot then I lose. I say I will go club with them after that, but I say I will go home take a shower first. Thank God I been to home, then finally they come by my house and go out impolitely ask them to go away. My mother was with me, and we prayed and thanks giving for the Lord that He has won me over the temptation and brought me back to my mother's side. The easy way to die was to falling into the temptation.

It doesn't matter anymore right now, but I'll still sometime thinking of them how could my friends can become like this. What they seek is not joy but fun, they seek the estacy of feeling great and Simon had become more lustful than I thought, when I heard him say he can resist the devil's temptation, then I deeply know that he has already defeated by the devil. They are blinded, somemore they are Christians or should I say "so call" Christians.

After the prayer with my mother I went to sleep, because tomorrow morning I am going to visit Perai Megamall, where some say it is Pacific. I was planning to go out with Ching Fang and Vri to visit their places and have a nice movie there, but sadly they are unavailable. Nonetheless, I go before hence yesterday to the Megamall and shop my heart out that day, buying new clothes. I could admit that I am not good at recognizing places, I couldn't find where is the enterance for the basement car park, so I drive over then later went back on the highways then later on find all the way back to the mall. It was a little bit sweat, but I turn a big round to get in. Having lunch at 600cc with my mother and I was planning to bring my sister along but she just don't wanted to go. Whatever, I just hope that she can really step up by herself and go to explore the world and go get a driving lisence sooner. Hope that she can make up her mind whether to work for half a year and waiting for results or sit at home sickening with game addiction.

I sleep early yesterday because this morning I join my family go Yam Cha eat Dim Sum at Sugai Ara. Then having a good time togather whole day, I couldn't imagine right now I could start to give and see that my parent was please when I wash the car for them this morning. I could hardly believe my dad smiles infront of me. This is a great start and a new begining in this year 2010. Now I really learn how to appreciate the people around me, but not some that I still working all the way to accept their changes. For lunch to day we went to BJ complex having a meal at Kenny Roger's Roaster.

Then that is enough for the whole real day. I love this family. ^^