Something must have stumble Thomas...

The answer is no. It is not stumbling, but simply is the craziness become reality... I just wanna to be myself that is all. I know, I am a violent person, use rude words, and blame God. I hated myself so much because of Him. Leaving God is not an option but left me no choice to continue to hate myself. Although He taught me not to condemn myself and He say He wasn't going to condemn me anyway but real change is not there. I just don't see it. I waited 2 years spending submissively and obediently follow what He taugh me seems like not effective at all. Yet I discover the trueself in me is a total darkness and evil. What I teach always is about how evil decieve people yet did not abide to what the devil's scheme are cause it was too scary and unholy.

There is no middle road, cause without going in God's path is dead end.

I don't know what I am saying now but... either way, I am hanging in between good and bad. I'm tired figthing for the Good and I am still the enemy of the bad... I don't know where I stand now. When I am thinking back, did I not doing very well in follow God's command so I fall away? But I had tried my best not to, yet it proves helpless when I fail to prepare the soil for the rain to pour in... Then He don't even border those who are weak that can't prepare the field for the rain. How? It wasn't foolist that they weak don't want the blessing, but since the illustration give birth the this decietful thought that we must do our best in order to get God's favor then only He blesses.

I don't know this is simply a bad logic I could think of right now...

Correct me please. I know I am wrong, but this is what I see... It is true God only favor those who are strong enough to hold His command. It always has been. Favoritism... also is what I find in God... that is why I jealous of others... Looks like Darwin's natural selection has won the debate in this statement when it comes to strongest lives and weak hell they go.

The Grudge

I still know what you did last summer...

and I still know the number 23 start to haunts you.

NUMBERS 32:23

BEWARE YOUR SIN WILL SEEK YOU OUT?

232323232323232323232323233232323232332

I don't have to pretend I've got it all together... when I don't

I don't have to pretend my best relationship deeply satisfies... when it doesn't

I don't have to pretend my struggle with sin is a thing of the past... when it isn't

I don't have to say much...

Sin waiting at the door all the time,

sometimes it comes in grudging me.

Sin entangled me when other people take it as their own.

Indulgence... what have you make me?

I'm envious! I jealous you people who do things freely.

Where I am bounded by stricken rules,

where you all see me stubborn because following them.

Is fleeing from sin solve the problem?

Not always the case... I had understand it wrongly

when he runs away naked when his cloth was taken off by a whore.

This new year is a year of conquerors.

It is time to face the root of all sins.

The INNER-SELF

Open up the door and let it in seems like a route to death.

It was like when God came down to Adam while

he realised he was naked.

No.

Why not take up the courage to admit?

RIDE OUT OF DOOR!

FACE IT!

Else I just kept myself in the room of comfort and indulgence.

The room is a short lived space of safety,

but

Sin is like fire burning outside the room.

Soon it will burns everything else and you

will be lacking of air and the whole

building collapse with you in it.

Face it, or die.

Treasure Hunting

In the beginning of a new year, everyone is busy with planning and new year resolution. The focus is to do something even better than the year before. As it has been foretold Asian countries will rise in both power and economy. Many great leaders and developers had their eyes set on this golden opportunity to collect as much benefits in this golden age. There is no mistake I been in this town called Kampar in chinese "金宝" the first character read as Jin (gold) and Bao (treasure), this town is going to blow and as well as the land surrounding it such as Gopeng. Perak is such a wonderful state to develop. I wanted to call this land a land of oppotunity. After hearing comments from so many friends I was convinced to stay here and invest myself for God in Gopeng and Kampar.

However I will still seek for guidance from God see where He wants me to be, else I will not have His favor on me. That will do me no good at all. In this new year, it is a real start for a real change. For me it's new commitment and new responsibility. I am going to become better man, God wanted to best for me, why not myself explore what best I can give?

Now starting today in order to clear of all my chains and hindrances, I must have a very special kind of change. This change from the inside out is what I called a treasure. For the pass year I failed to fully commence what I have planned to do. But this year will not be the same again. I will hunt down this treasure and I will spread the HOPE of changing ourselves into better us rather than an ideal self we made to strife on. To know ourselves more and have a true identity of our own, that is to know what the creator has created in us. How? Through having a relationship with God and read His words (Bible).

This year I am going commence a few projects first I will help in reconstructing the Hope Kampar BGR model with a team, while doing some research on making the study more accurate and valid. In due time I will create some other tests and surveys for my church and assess to the people's needs, personality, behavioural patterns, life style, source of motivation, defense mechanism and a lot more. Next after validate all these studies and was given to the people and collect datas, I will discuss with my leaders about how to cope better in every different individuals. One of my suggestion is to best to know the pattern of sinful behaviors. Then with much encouragement and motivation, we will heal the person.

Great ideas right? I love to do raphah ministry, it brings healing to people and assisting one another to be the best for God, simply God wants the best of us because He has created us more than what we think we are! - of course for the purpose of God.

This my passion for you my dearest friends, though my way of relating to people may be a little cool. But my heart is always warm to welcome you in and I will help you with all I have.

Regards,

Thomas Choo

Project Barnabas

What if? - 23

If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he doesn't listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.

- Matthew 18:15-17(ESV) -

I and the whole house wanted to help you, brother. If we aren't changed by Christ, you would have been dismembered by us. How foolish is one who have no self-control over his behavior. But by the mercy God showed to me I'll show it to you. Here I wanted to say to you this:" For he think in his heart, so is he. As one who reckons, he says to you, eat and drink, yet his heart is not with you [but is grudging the cost]. (Proverbs 23:7)"

Whenever it came to a number 23rd. I don't like the number to be sound. Because I wanted to tell you too in Numbers 32:23 says: "beware your sin will seek you out!" I think it is finding its way to devour you already brother. We are here for you before the consequences of your hurt brings you much more trouble. If you are also thinking about sex and lust every 23rd second in your mind. You are likely to hurt the relationship you have with the Lord. You lived 23 years now. The day after December 2nd (2/12 >>> 2, 1+2 = 23) I felt you are all different. I thought you are getting better and well. But the next day I saw something you shouldn't have do it, but I witnessed it with my own eyes. Scary isn't? If you use your life to buy all the knowledge just to make yourself seems better outside but what is happening inside, what about the relationship with GOD? In proverbs 23:23 says: "Buy truth, and do not sell it; buy wisdom, instruction, and understanding." Next he says: "The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice; he who fathers a wise son will be glad in him." Do you make him glad?

I don't like to play with numbers but it finds it's way to explain things to me. I hope you better watch out. Do you know a proud man is just like the blind who walked as if they see things? It is not by faith, but a pure human strenght lived in denial of his flaws. No man is worthy and Godly man doesn't call himself Godly because Godly man is humble. If you haven't notice this message is send to you the 23rd hour of a day.

Project Barnabas

This project is dedicated to bring back motivation and guidance to people who are losing it. I am looking forward to make this project a much more interesting and attractive activity. It is still developing, but the minimal thing is to encourage one person (best is the one you are not very close with in your Church) a time through anyway you may reach that person, you may call him/her up, sms, email them, personally talk to them. But before you do, personally pray for the person and ask God what He is going to talk to the person you are going to encourage.

I see that our church is getting bigger and I am happy to see that. But some of us see a problem in our church did not find a solution for it yet give up and left. So I am starting to do this to enhance the UNITY among our church. To understand one another deep down. I recalled once the Japanese taught me, when a person crossing blades to one another, they will know another person deep down. The purpose of all their strikes, their motives, to protect or to uphold honour. So in here I must encourage you readers, no one knows each other deep down until they are all facing conflicts, troubles, whether in the same boat or not. But as we Christians are called to be in one body of Christ, so we must build the unity and when conflicts and resentment comes, we face together instead of blaming one another.

Another idea here was, when the time it is most discourage, we felt emptiness, and hopelessness, it is the time where we are most encouraged and felt with passion and dreams. First things is that God called us to be salt and light of this world, many may not understand. But this is my understanding, no matter what bad things happened in our Church or in any relationships. We restore what is broken and what was stolen, how? I was thinking if I could encourage another person when I felt most desperate out of a bad situation, I have no more reason to be defeated by emotions, by pessimism and a lie. It was just all mere obstacles. The word I choose is "HATE OF GIVING UP". Give up living for ourselves but not give up living for God. I learn something called, "counter attack" when something bad bounce to you, you bounce the ball back with hope, peace and love. That is the image we as Christians should have. Bad things comes, evil plans comes, we bounce back restoration of lost and regenerate the seed of hope, because God has given us these. If we did not show it out, how the world convince that our God is one true God that bring us salvation and peace?

Let us be joint, starting from today, it doesn't matter if you felt guilty because you sinned against God. I've sinned, everybody sinned. But we all lived under God's grace. Why not put aside that bad feeling and start feeling good for Christ so that we are fill with energy to work possitively and productively for Christ?

If you give up, lest you die!

This is what I drew using Adobe Illustrator CS3 and adding the words by Microsoft Power Point, 07. When different program works together give great results so as well as people, Together Everyone Achieves More right?



We are not going to talk about TEAM here. But I wanted to ask you whether you heard a word of wisdom that tells you to tied a knot when your rope runs out? Else you will fall from the cliffs and die.

Just now I was having a great devotion time with my housemate talking for about an hour on do not give up! This is also something the Lord always tells us too as we can see in Luke 18:1-5, the persistence of the widow Jesus describe of. Well I tell you guys if you give up on your faith when the end comes I don't know what will happen to you? In Matthew 25:1-13 the parable of the ten virgins you can read as I put it here easier for you...

"At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish and five were wise. The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them. The wise ones, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps. The bridegroom was a long time in coming, and they all became drowsy and fell asleep. "At midnight the cry rang out: ‘Here’s the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’ "Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their lamps. The foolish ones said to the wise, Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out.’ 'No,’ they replied, ‘there may not be enough for both us and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.’ "But while they were on their way to buy the oil, the bridegroom arrived. The virgins who were ready went in with him to the wedding banquet. And the door was shut. “Later the others also came. ‘Lord, Lord,’ they said, 'open the door for us!’ But he replied, ‘Truly I tell you, I don’t know you.’ Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour. "

If you give up on God, I don't think he is being funny while he says those words you read just now. So for those of you who have already frustrated and forgotten why you have accepted Christ the very day, you still have a chance to recommit your faith for the end is near yet His grace is sufficient. I do not know what will happen the minute and next, so if you guys are reading this please re-think again your relationship with God! Or you have friends who stumbled and had turned away from God please encourage them to hold on to the cross they once taken up! I know being Christian is not easy, it is the most stupid things to people but I tell you it is only path to walk through. We have not come this far to die now don't we? Where was the fire once in you burning up for Christ? Where is the spirit once you had to serve the LORD? If you have doubt please clear it now I CHALLENGE YOU! DARE TO QUESTION GOD if you really dare!

We don't have whole life to indulge ourselves in self-protection and selfishness! Where is your love once you had?

Matthew 16:24-28

Then Jesus told his desciples, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his life? Or what shall a man give in return for his life? For the Son of Man is going to come with his angels in the glory of his Father, and then he will repay each person according to what he has done. Truly, I say to you, there are some standing here who will not taste death until they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom."

Journey to the Mind

It was a long time I hadn't visited what was behind the crust of my skulls. Today I just wanted share with everyone here who are still following my boring slow updating blogs on the topic about thinking. I am good at critical thinking, wasn't it? The answer is: "I don't really care" What matters most is how the thinking really make oneself survive for a true living purpose.

It seems that I had lost my ability to see things like I do previously. Is it good or bad? When was it? That I have fully give in to a new style of being laid back and give a surprise attack just like what Captain Kyoraku did in the bleach story.  But I see good things in what I did right now, not showing how much capability of myself to others just to gain advantage to help other people. In the same time protecting myself of giving in too much and others can’t complaint of what I can do and what I can’t. Looks like this is a very good skill too of being laid back and concealing the true power I posses. No one can predict what I am capable of is on a good hand however, what truly did not utilize was my skill on becoming pragmatic enough.  I saw my comrade recovering from exhausted overuse of her ability on to many things and blinded by her busyness. I couldn’t lose even one second of my gaze on my enemy’s stance, but my eyes had deceived me. I thought I had been wise, but how foolish is one who thinks he is wiser.

The longer I walked on the Journey with Jesus, the more flaw I found myself out! The more weakness and painful things which I had tried to escape as though I had already overcome it. The real things are, it has never came back of what I had defeated because of Jesus, what came back from within the brain the unconscious part of me is the part which has not solved and has not fully solved. I realise the weakness of being a human, after all I don't recognize my own boasting, my sins and my pride. My vision blurred as well as the heart of discerning between what is righteous and what is wicked. As I travelled into deeply within my mind I found out that I wasn't with Christ anymore although I live like a Christian. I think the part I conceal had also make a fake faith in front of people. As I think it through this is real hypocrites. The mark of the beast 666 could be just a symbol, forehead symbolized our thoughts and hands symbolized work. If hadn't realize what I was thinking and doing, I could be fooled by the devil. Be strong is to had a tremendous understanding of God's word, nothing else. All effort to defense and protect oneself is all a sin, you know why? Because as we protect ourselves we are still in charge of our own salvation and transformation in Christ, not God who work in us. As we rule out God in just a second in our lives, we sinned.

The thoughts I had also is useless unless it has the truth in it and had a foundation. Lest the thought would become a trap for ourselves. Enbracing the values we could slot it in to our identity that sum us up. When came to introduction everyone will tell at least a little about who they really are and that is the value they found to fit themselves most. The identity may not be the real identity at all. This is true when I really thought being laid back is a good thing, but it was still a comfort zone where I can withdraw quickly when things goes wrong. Not a chance of facing the goliath like David had faced. My protection is build up by laid back attitudes, a mask that deceives others about who I am. Why was it so hard to tell people I was in a mess because having no identity at all? Or shall I put it this way? The true identity only can be found in Christ alone because He created us and know us more than we know ourselves. Why is it so hard to confess that the only way to find our true identity is to follow Christ and bear the cross?

God has always told me do not fear, but I was lack of direction because I don't even know what I am fearing. Thank God I has this moment of thought, to digest down the word spoken prophetically to me. The fear of not letting go of my self-protecting behavior - that is something more directive. Now I understand why God wanted to restore prophets into this world again, because people and churches are blinded and lack of sense of direction. Everything has become a habit, lest our words and doings become a cliché. The end is near, live like Christ is gonna come back to get His bride tomorrow! His bride resembles the church, do we really do enough or at least biblically building up a church.

Parent, friends and churchmates. They all may persecute one another too, they may persecute me of being too religious and neglect my daily living which cares about education, successful careers, able to earn a living, food and clothings, houses, cars, luxuries, have heirs to take care of their burial ceremony and more... From dust I came and to dust I shall return, I came with nothing I shall leave with nothing. I TELL YOU, I am not being religious, is just that I know something that has to be true which all had turned away or even gave up and forgotten. Have you forget what is your reason of accepting Christ? Or did you not know what a real Christian is? What left with us is the relationship with God.

Stories never told

Through life game, I learn a lot of thing and God really challenges me and making a lot of things real. His presence and His words are just like double edged sword that pierce through my inner-self. I was completely broken in front of Him, all the sins, all the weakness and imperfection. He has reveal the brokenness of our relationship, of how much love He has for me yet I left Him for other reasons. When I am in front of God, I am muted, because all I has is just fear. I finally realize everything should go accordance, I mean if I willing to let God's word to flow in me I have to live by His word, and in the process I know more about His word, but I just not strong enough to know more of His words.

I am emotional. I know. There is a reason God put this in me, why a man could cry for such a manner or was the sadness too great? I am confuse and disappointed every moment when I am sharing the Goodnews, sometime people turn away, sometime I was not available for some other reason when they find me, and some heard yet turn away, and the best part, I lost everything of myself. My living, my money, my fame, my power, I don't have the privilege to taste the taste of owning a house a car. Everything fades away just simply I don't find any time to fulfill all this. I am not good in making big money, too generous to give away my place for other people, so they have better chance than me. Was this foolishness or wisdom?

But what the bible say is true in Matthew 6:33, seek first the kingdom of God and all these shall be given to you. As I continue on, God really send in friends to help me on the living expenses, so to keep myself alive. Jesus once said to the disciples, :" If any of you wants to be my follower, you must put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross and follow me." These 12 do not work at all, live by faith which God will provide everything to keep them alive  to do what God wants them to. Next he says :" If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it, but if you give up your life for me, you will find true life." I've lost everything (including my life on this world) just to find a life and convincing everyone to leave everything behind just to find that life. I hope I did not lose faith as I practice this in the real world. Jesus continued, :" and how do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul in the process? Is anything worth more than your soul?" Absolutely nothing, what is success? If a success did not last, would it be call success? What joy could I have to see all my love ones in paradise. Then Jesus said :" for I the son of Man, will come in the glory of the Father with His angels and will judge all people according to their deeds." In the end, I don't think life is anymore a life if I keep the good news for myself and fear to share it. I really don't want to hear any of my friend say to me that I never tell them this ealier. In the end, they loses their lives.

I want to live a new life... it starts from now...

the time is ticking... and the tank is leaking... don't lose your life before you accept Christ!

What is wrong with these Christians?

"You don't know what real fear is when God conceal Himself and let curse comes in to your life." These words recently came in to my thoughts when I busy myself in enjoying my holiday. I saw the way how my family lived, and how I lived. God call us to live by His way not our own ways - this is a problem for us the demanding people. Always seeking presents from God hoping God will change us and the world of how we think it will be. When we see a friend so close to us and a devoted Christian develop a 17cm tumor in her womb, what comes into our mind was to pray to God that He may heal her and take the pain and fear away instantly. It was good and right to pray for healing wasn't it? But do we demand God heals her or desire God's healing so that His name maybe glorified? I had been in a confusion of the statement: "If you don't pray and exercise your faith and love, the thing we pray will cease to happen." Then I came out a formula:

Nothing wrong with this formula, yes. However it has become a way we Christians making a process like loging a coin and press a button on the vending machine then we get what we bought. We going to church attending as much church activities we could and thinking we are able to change by God with doing such act. Some believing giving tithes faithfully will restore his examination results, some believing serving as ushers in the church welcoming people warmly will help her cure her sense of insecurity while keeping herself as a single. We all came to church having motives behind, to get heal rather than really genuinely seek God and worship Him. So many sermon I heard in Sunday services doesn't seems to change me a lot, because I bored and tired hearing them again and again. However, there is something I missed, we had missed it - Humility. A true worshiper is humble and let go of all our thoughts and planning. Even when we are a very knowledgeable person, we will never stop ourselves from learning again what God has to teach us. When we feel bored, means something is not right, we are not exciting for God anymore, because we expect to learn something that we expect God to teach. That expectation is demandingness.

I don't blame those who do not get what is Christianity all about where there is no guarantee that people's pain are relieve, people's problem be solved. I do not see it weird when people left church because of disappointment of not finding the peace when they are in the church, it makes perfect sense sometimes when people argue their case with God that they wasn't treated fair (as Job in the bible did).

When people learn the meaning of true despair it breeds hope, because there is no way to go but depend 100% in God if you still believe - that is faith. Some people may see that Christians are crazy people, even sociologist have it this way, that Christians creating their own theory of God to depend on where something transcend their knowledge and the unexplainable. Creating a space for people to put their hope in where there seems no hope - that is faith created by man to form a God. I don't blame these sociologist, because they don't see God, they don't know the truth.

So what is wrong with these Christians? Some are crazy, some feel left out when invested some much time and effort in the church for what? Disappointed every moment and envy those who live better lives than us when they live by their own way. That taste like despair and mistreated right?

There answer to this question is: "We are not anymore the world's people, we were reborn in to God's family, and that what we longing will not be found in this world."

This is why my history fail

The history since form 1 to form 5 I failed all along the way because of what? It wasn't the truth of what we saw and what we collected from the truth. Why would Malaysia wanted to twist and turn the truth of our very own history became HIS-story... However, I would not accept what I studied and I confronted during the examination period, I couldn't afford to absorb something that is a lie, I don't feel like it make any sense of remembering and studying anyone's lies.

Same goes to the sociologist view on Religion it was totally an atheist view in the name of sociology! I couldn't study this anymore, anger burst in my heart, but why would I need to know something that is wrong just to get a better grade in my examination. Has knowledge have no truth in it? Ya I almost forgot this earth and all the knowledge in it is still a worldly one, to get a better stand, better grade, better jobs and better earning wouldn't escape that we are required to do something against the truth of God!

However, I needed this semester's result to be better and the next. I hope God understands...

Dreams or Vision?

I saw Joshua burn down and died where Bee Kim cries and mourned for the lost infront of the hotel gate (this was before their marriage). However he was burned but his flesh did not turn coal, yet he died. I saw the church torn apart, a lot of them struck in fear and left but three remains... I don't see the faces of those three who are still faithful. I don't recall what is the cause of Joshua's death under the fire, but I recall Bee Kim told me in the dream we must keep our faith to build this church, and to grow our faith is now! Bee Kim's grief was short but she is still faithful to God.

I hope what I see wasn't a vision but a dream, and I hope it will not happen. The lesson is our lovely leaders will not always be around us, one day we will too stand on our own. That we are not leeches that always depend on the faith of others to strengthen up but we have our own foundation in God. What I feared was my faith and others too, will they be shaken while our leaders are not around?

Whatever it is, this was a dream I dreamt almost 5 days ago. Today I saw another, I heard my brother Eric speaking in toungue, and what does this mean? I forgotten the previous part of this dream, but could it be that unconsciously I wanted my brother to be a Christian seriously?

Puzzled and speechless when I woke up this morning, I should bring this fragment along but I should move ahead out from this fantasy.

Autonomy vs Shame

My dear friend why do you cast your soul down, Oh my friend?

Wasn't that the scripture has said the Joy of the Lord is my strenght?

If you are not joyous how would the One love you most (God) be joyous?

Even as a friend seeing you defeating yourself, I am hurt, how much more it will be for the father who have created you?

I don't like to judge who you are, but I did, and I am sorry.

I always believe God has a great plan for you my friend,

I believe you are not who you really are and who God created you to be.

Why you wanted to choose your own way instead of the way of the Lord which works?

I bear testimony of Him who has help me,

He changed me from the inside out,

My thoughts, my feelings and maturity.

I don't wanted to boast but this is the greatness of God who has changed me!

If I may, I would wanted to say you are having problem in the second stage of Erikson's psychosocial stages.

From there you cling unto your parents and significant others so much,

you do not have your own stand?

This is the time for independence, if you retreat in the middle of the battle field, you will just clash on to the people behind you and blocking the movement of those who have courage.

If you are continuing with such fear, how much you can stand when the true persecution come?

If you continue with such fear, what can be done to glorify God?

Where is your faith my dear?

Where is your love my dear?

For true love cast out fear!

With faith all things are possible!

I will just pray that the fruit of the holy spirit will bear in you!

You have hear the spirit is willing but the body is weak, yes!

We have to be weak so God only can help you!

If you still cling unto yourself, you are digging a grave!

To dig a hole so hard  why not choose life?

Jesus say he came to give life but do you recieve it?

You believe you saved by Him but do you live like one that have been saved?

I am sorry that I desperated here, but this is out of the anger that God feels too.

However I wanted to thank you for your weakness and stuborness that I saw the time when I was like you. Thank God that He put you here with me, I learn a lot of things. I've earned it. I've earned the heart beat of God and I can see all my flaws too. But guilt has no power over me, shame has no power over me! Because there is no other name higher than the name of the Lord!

I hope you understand...

The New Crusade

While they were eating, Jesus took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to his disciples, saying, "Take and eat; this is my body." Then he took the cup, gave thanks and offered it to them, saying, "Drink from it, all of you. This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. I tell you, I will not drink of this fruit of the vine from now on until that day when I drink it anew with you in my Father's kingdom." - Matthew 26:26-29

It has been said, the blood of a Lamb cleanses the sins of the whole world. The savior of all nation died and rose again in the third day. There is no such thing in the world that wouldn't have sacrifice. The Lord's final and greatest command is to love one another as he has love us, love our neighbour as ourselves and even our enemies. What happen next was Peter denied Jesus three times. So do I... I am not worthy, let me rot and die with the worms consume me. But the grace of the Lord is far more than what we think we are. Yes I am not worthy, but He is able to make me worthy because of His great love and mercy. So let me reborn again and truly receive the redemption. For so long I've hated the One had saved me, and jealous of Him, but what is that for? A thousand times I fail, to receive the grace of God, fail to give in and fully humble before Him, yet His greatest skill of persuasion wins over me - patience. His love I could never deny, fool am I who have seen it yet rejected it, how much more than those who have not seen this great love...

This time I will march on to my own city walls, for now I see who is the true enemy behind this whole treachery. I have been in his spell, a little indulgence, a drop of lust, and a cup of complacency tears down the temple in my heart, and the throne is empty. Let the wise pray the lesser of ourselves and more of God. Let Him be enthrone in our heart, let Him dwell in the temple He created in us. Let us give thanks and praise Him.

Today will be a new day, a new crusade which I conquer my life for Him, let Him have Lordship over my land for I am not the rightful ruler, my kingdom has already fallen, but now He gave me the strength on retrieving back the lost piece of land in my heart. This time He will march with me to retake the city and the temple which He had created in me. He personally sound the war drums for me and I heard it beating deep within my heart. This is the moment of glory. The Hero has come, and I shall have victory in His name. For I have deeper understanding Jesus already had won everything for us, and I shall not fear but only fear Him - The Holy One. And that I shall lay my life for Him who had lay His for me. For now I know, every step I take, every move, every decision is taken account of His redemption. I will only do my best in everything which glorifies Him, nothing more. Let me live a blameless life, continue serving others, loving them, showing every bits of righteousness. Let what He has taught me be meditated day and night.

For God is my courage, my source of love and energy. He will be my shield and my guard. His love is all I needed to live, it is just as simple as that. I will march on, for I know He is with me sounding the battle song in my heart, which stirls up the fire of my heart. Let Your invasion begin in me, my Lord.

Under siege

I am still a child. My mind is still a childish one, never will I think of others and carry the responsibility. The smallest responsibility. I never say it was easy to face any problem and obstacles, but I just needed guidance. Guidance? I know it is only God can give. All the worldly words of encouragement and inspiration can do little to motivate me. I feel nothing but to flee away and detached, yet in front of people I still put on the mask like nothing had happened. My thoughts are haywired, not a word came to me is heard, not a inspirational vision touch me anymore. Could I describe this a hunger for something that I couldn't name it. What had happened to you O my soul. Reluctant to give help and reluctant to be help yet thirst for people's care.

Adrian, I finally understand the feeling of inferiority. "There is so many people around in my life but I still feel the loneliness." I have friends, but they had do their best to help. I have leaders and elders above me thinking I would grow up and grow out from it. Yet I am thirst for something more, the thing just a like a hole in my heart that sucking in everything yet it is not filled. A vacuum which you were called Adrian, I shall be one too. I do understand why people needed so much of care and now I stuck in the middle going no where. Shepherds care for the sheep and hopefully they will grow up, but some sheep is like a vacuum, eating up so much grass you gave yet he did not grow. Your hope as a shepherd to the sheep was to grow up happily and one day towards maturity. I afraid I am disappointing you my dear. I afraid I have started to live a life that is not me because I am living up to your standard. Yes I am foolish. Who has taken away my vision and my ear, my heart cries to you who have stolen it away. I am as an idol which has eyes but cannot see, have ear but cannot hear. My cup is empty, and dried, admiring the cups of others being filled and overflows, when will it turns to me?

Who has taken my sense of responsibility? Who has taken away my cheerful heart? Who has taken away my understanding?

When I search within, when I look onto the mirror, when I saw my face, I couldn't recognize me anymore, what I could see in the face was sad and disappointed. I know it wasn't the end, and I know this is temporal, I am not defeated and I will not give up. But fighting a war which is outnumbered and out of plans, needed more faith and courage. Others see us charge out from the city gates named us fools, yes I am a fool if we charge in the all the places without a direction, but would you tell me we are fools if we charge in one purpose? Yes you will, but something the enemy do not know about us was the faith and courage we had. Faith is believing something true which you do not know what is it. We believe the truth is God's plan will be commence at His will, in His timing and He shall save us from the hands of the enemy. Knowing that our enemy is the devil and sin, he has set this trap upon me makes me feel I am useless and helpless, but I couldn't deny how big my God is, even I had been defeated and let people tremble on me, spilting on me and humiliates me of my foolishness. I know this is not all important, let the enemy mock me, let them rise their flag in my city, let them crush my city walls and kill off all my men and flocks. For I am truly helpless on my own. How long will you stay a far O God, have me and my people sinned against you? Is this the wrath of Yours sent to punish me? But God I just wanted to affirm you, I am weak that is why I had sinned, I have lost my way of becoming strong. My stronghold is now been overrun, and my enemy steps on my dead body. I have lost, but God will you avenge my lost?

Wasn't that Sweet

What the hell, all the sudden was like a moment of dispair. I wanted to be strong so I could lead, I wanted to be strong and wise so I wouldn't lead the whole team astray. Now it was like everyone closes their eyes and no one is going to help in this situation, because all the work we do can said to be also wrong... I don't buy it, I don't do things I do not understand that is my biggest weakness, who can show me the way? How could I be so lame not to search for alternatives and solutions? What more can I do to help in this hour?

I hate to tell everyone I am emotional again because of this sudden pressure that after handle in a report and someone just told me that our report have BIG PROBLEM!!! What is that? I still do not know, I don't understand why so I just wanted to meet with Dr Siah and I pray to God that he may be in office today so that we can consult him what problem was it. Unfortunately it doesn't seems like God is answering that prayer. But I didn't doubt God didn't help, but I am still struck in fear of what should I do because now was like wanting me to revert something that I do not know where the error is... God help me please if you were there and I know you are there! Show me the way so that my friends will not get dissapointed because the indifference of we Chirstians to them. I hate to say this but we are such a bunch of lame Christian that live in foolishness and not a very good testimony...

When things doesn't goes right wasn't that sweet right? It was more than bitter we can feel. But I still believe God's grace is more than what we feel. I still believe he can help me... Please show me the way Lord, when will you do so? Else my whole team is likely walking into their doom!

I am sorry to be so concern of my study because I know it was just a little tiny things in your kingdom but it was a big piece for me and my team now. I know my judgement on this statement is wrong... but I am very confuse now...

It wasn't that sweet after all... and I hate to admit I am defeated easily when the storm come. I hated it...

I am a melancholy

Loooooooooooooooooooong time I did not write here. And for a long time I have not hear from you my friends, how suffer am I when I have eyes but can not see have ears but can not hear.

This morning as I wake up I saw my fellow brothers sleeping soundly and I know they are resting calmly. And I had a moment of devotion but my thoughts keeps on swaying away and makes me unable to concentrate on my prayers. However the Lord did not hesitate of telling me that I need the thoughts of His so I was thinking that I wanted to please someone this morning as I gone for breakfast after frustrated of staying at home reading some boring textbooks. I go out and the Lord told me to "TAPAO" for someone and I was thinking of getting some breakfast for Vri and I think He is teaching me not to just show my love to an opposite sex friend, so Vri did not reply my message. However I decided to call up Isaac and I bought him a "排骨面" greeted good morning and left. I was happy and a little anxious about what is going to happen next because this is the first time I really make a bigger move in giving. And the Lord tell me, be ready for disappointment. Ah, yes, I am disappointed but I was still happy because I did not self-condemnation nor complaint a sentence. Why disappointed because I was expecting Isaac not to return me anything, but Isaac say he will treat me the next time. Sounds silly right because why turn someone down when they have something to give us. Well finally I finish one chapter of Life Span Development text for the examination is 30 days away. Thank God.

That is morning.

After I bath, I just realized that I make someone waited as I forgot to tell Vri that she need not fetch me to school today. Sorry for the trouble. But I realize that we have a lot of differences but we have one common ground which we are melancholy. This is what I can conclude after deciding to continue to listen to her blogs so I can know more about her. I think as a friend I do need to give her my pairs of ears, listening her story and communicate with total empathy. Well as I pursue on my Internet search I read on some Christian articles on melancholic characters in the bible. I was motivated by what Moses and John the baptist and John the apostle and lastly David are melancholic yet a great servant of the Lord. I see the styles of their fall and the victory they had. All is because of God we won, when we are skeptical and overly critical we blind ourselves into our own perception and standards. This risk ourselves in falling into devil's trap and that we lose because of ourselves. We are intimate enemies of ourselves, that is what an old saying: "You are the worst enemy of yourself."

We have to be totally broken just like the bottle of alment oil. When it was not broken the fragrance will not be pour out and our lives is as dull as our perception of life and death on this world. Our vision is clear when we finally understand that we should only use the sight of our Lord. We can percieve things wrongly on our own, even the greatest sciences is just a guess, but our God's wisdom is absolute. Why not just view things on God's perception rather than ours? You choose.

Illustration of God's people

After watching the book of Eli I was futher encouraged by Eli, His faith had in God and I know the movie is just a story and it is not true but is a good illustration of Isaiah 40:31.

but those who hope in the LORD

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint.

and also the illustration of 2 Corinthians 5:7 - We live by faith and not by sight.

Though we are small, we seem useless and weak in the eyes of the world but it was because of God we are gaints among gaints. We lived a life when we lived it in God. We are the one who hold the "book" in our hearts. We are the one who lived to testify the reality of God whom love us and never fail us. We will walk by faith and not by sight, we march on to calvary to proclaim God's name. Never will the world stand against the might of our LORD. Let the world know the legacy of Him who has started the work of salvation, and He has given us the first step, it was us to finish His works as disciples of Him.

Memory Lightwaves ~~~ Part II

Until then the first outing activity was to go pangkor. (Nov 09')

Then heading Hope Kampar 2nd Anniversary. (Nov 09')

Then the next was Maggie's Wedding. (Dec 09')

Slowly I change gradually and then more and more committed in serving the Lord. Another good news in the same time was Vri is joining Hope Kampar in a miraculous way. I used to bring her along to Wesley Methodist last time but she skip church more often than I thought. Ever since the fall, I never had a chance to bring her to church because I don't even grow up both spiritually and emotionally. Well that was past ^_^

Next was Malaysian National Convention! The Core - 14th Anniversary

Vri reconfirmed her faith since then! (Dec 09')

Growing - Growing - Growing then falling - falling - falling

The formula is like that... so painful and depressing

But God had never left me alone. He is still there letting this plan of His molding me up =)

Then I remember we gone to vacation during the December, first was down to Klang and run around sunway, Bangi and you name it! Wait forgotten before we gone down we celebrated Jesus' Birthday in Kampar!

Ya the bak kut teh is the best in Klang woo hoo =P I miss it >.<

Then we went up cameron highlands then go home. Then say happy birthday to 2010!!!

Memory Lightwaves ~~~ Part I

As I flip through my Blogs I saw a revolution happened in my life. Its been one year now I joined Hope of God Church - Hope International Ministries (HIM) - Hope Kampar, whatever you wanted to call it.

The first day I set foot in Kampar, I started to seek out a church. With that eagerness I also seek the care from them, but only church I found, not the care. Last time I used to join Wesley Methodist Church and sometimes Kampar Chinese Methodist Church. I found that I am a stranger among them and did not really had much sense of belongingness. So I thought I need to join them more by associating myself in UTARcf (Christian Fellowship)

Well that is still not the answer because I did not have the perseverance to go their meetings which is 830pm at night and my class ended at 8pm. What a rush, without dinner without proper transport and with all the tiredness stretched from morning class until dusk... So I think it is also not so convenience for me to go there. Soon, without awareness my spiritual life getting hungrier and hungrier. Goes to church but my soul is not refreshed and soon dissapointed and left. Till this point when you flip back my blogs from Windows Lives Space, you will see me in a depression. So many spiritual attacks and I am unable to overcome it. Still hanging on my own strenght and did not allow God to solve it.

Kay Yong (Left) once talk to me that I need to depend on God no matter what, since it was proven that many times I had failed because I use my own strenght and seek to glorify myself. Bee Kim (Right) also once and until now monitor my growth more rigidly. But the post transformation life I will say if I did not see God's work with my own eye, I wouldn't believe that He really existed. So many times the devil deceives me and I let his lies entangles me. Then I am still foolish enough to let it be my guide of life. - Nihilism - an aspect of death. Maybe you guys have my Facebook add, the name Thomas S. Choo the S represents Schiffer, Ulqiourra's sir name (4th Espada from Bleach Anime) I was so much like him, Nihilism at first I thought it was powerful, but now I call it stubbornness!

Day by day has passed by, something changed. I come to the point I did not feel God at all. [now I know this called the process of spiritual adolescence] I had nightmares, restless nights and days.

Then I recalled it was the most desperate moment that I search even more emotionally on sense of belonging. I found Vri and with all desperation almost caught both of us ended up our friendship and become enemies. Then I visited a counsellor and from that day onwards I'm getting better a little bit, but still hanging on to own strenght and unwilling to let God take charge in my life. Finally I found little Thomas, the inner-self of me. Started to have a bridge to understand myself more and learned in order to love others first must learn to love ourselves.

Next Miller (Right) shows up while I and some of my classmates drinking beers in their house. I was jogging fiercely that night, but Miller approached me. He talked to me and bring me to a "pondok" and sang a song "I have decided to follow Jesus, there's no turning back, no turning back." That was so touch, that I couldn't expect a person like Miller that could give me the care and God's peace is in me. Since then I feel hope again, so I joined Hope Kampar.

(This are my classmates who drink beer together, see that Miller is on the top row most left?)

I can't remember so much what happened during that transition period, and the only thing I remember is my 20th birthday passed. And also was mooncake festival. Slowly I joined their activities more consistently. Still I was dissatisfied with the amount of care they given me.

Lesson of Brokenness

"There is always a war cry in my heart, my heart is flaming as my eyes gaze on you Lord. Thank you for the past whole month I rest in your peace and happiness."

The whole week has gone by and I know I am still in the midst of the enemy's attacking range. What I meant is the spiritual warfare... I never had rested like before after the string of events during the June intake program. I know I am tired, I know I started to worn out, but I know I serving the Lord. In 2 Corinthians 4:16 helps me a lot when in the moment of feeling worn off. It says: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."The counsellor in me always reminds me of whenever I walk the more attack it is, that is the right way to go. God never told us that as we follow Him we will not suffer, instead He had warn us that the world will eventually hate us. The land will curse us as the nation will rise against us. I don't think they understand why they are hating us too, just angered and rages because saw their own flaws and imperfections.

When the light is shining in the dark, all things revealed, shameful things, hidden sin, unforgiveness and hatred. When the salt of healing touches these wounds, he rages because of denial. Denial of the brokenness. What I learn is that we needed to accept our brokenness only can be heal, if you fear the initial pain of healing how much more will you bear from the pain that damages your soul? In 2 Corinthians 2:14-15 says: "Now thanks be to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and through us diffuses the fragrance of His knowledge in every place. For we are to God the fragrance of Christ among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing." I recalled that last time in Jewish culture in the history, a woman can earn a bottle of ointment from a year's salary until then this bottle is broken and pour on the body during marriage. The bottle is beautiful and also is very expansive, many people will think like this. But in order for the fragrance to release, the bottle must first be broken.

Same to our lives as Christians, we were like this. God had already annointed us the day we believe and accepted Him,(1 John 2:20,27) and most of the time we are unwilling to break the outward man or persona (2 Corinthians 4:16) to let the annointing flows out from us. We first must accept our brokenness only we can be heal. Still there are so many of us clinging on the way we were. Staying in the comfort zones unwilling to face the pain of the brokenness in our hearts.

Let us be real to ourselves... If you feel you are broken then let God heals it, everyone is wounded since birth, but only God can heals it. In order to heals it, you need to let God enter you and then you shall be whole. (Think this to your loneliness feel too, don't solve this loneliness feel by finding a girlfriend or boyfriend - it is worst solution ever!) Loneliness is also a broken part of us.