Under siege

I am still a child. My mind is still a childish one, never will I think of others and carry the responsibility. The smallest responsibility. I never say it was easy to face any problem and obstacles, but I just needed guidance. Guidance? I know it is only God can give. All the worldly words of encouragement and inspiration can do little to motivate me. I feel nothing but to flee away and detached, yet in front of people I still put on the mask like nothing had happened. My thoughts are haywired, not a word came to me is heard, not a inspirational vision touch me anymore. Could I describe this a hunger for something that I couldn't name it. What had happened to you O my soul. Reluctant to give help and reluctant to be help yet thirst for people's care.

Adrian, I finally understand the feeling of inferiority. "There is so many people around in my life but I still feel the loneliness." I have friends, but they had do their best to help. I have leaders and elders above me thinking I would grow up and grow out from it. Yet I am thirst for something more, the thing just a like a hole in my heart that sucking in everything yet it is not filled. A vacuum which you were called Adrian, I shall be one too. I do understand why people needed so much of care and now I stuck in the middle going no where. Shepherds care for the sheep and hopefully they will grow up, but some sheep is like a vacuum, eating up so much grass you gave yet he did not grow. Your hope as a shepherd to the sheep was to grow up happily and one day towards maturity. I afraid I am disappointing you my dear. I afraid I have started to live a life that is not me because I am living up to your standard. Yes I am foolish. Who has taken away my vision and my ear, my heart cries to you who have stolen it away. I am as an idol which has eyes but cannot see, have ear but cannot hear. My cup is empty, and dried, admiring the cups of others being filled and overflows, when will it turns to me?

Who has taken my sense of responsibility? Who has taken away my cheerful heart? Who has taken away my understanding?

When I search within, when I look onto the mirror, when I saw my face, I couldn't recognize me anymore, what I could see in the face was sad and disappointed. I know it wasn't the end, and I know this is temporal, I am not defeated and I will not give up. But fighting a war which is outnumbered and out of plans, needed more faith and courage. Others see us charge out from the city gates named us fools, yes I am a fool if we charge in the all the places without a direction, but would you tell me we are fools if we charge in one purpose? Yes you will, but something the enemy do not know about us was the faith and courage we had. Faith is believing something true which you do not know what is it. We believe the truth is God's plan will be commence at His will, in His timing and He shall save us from the hands of the enemy. Knowing that our enemy is the devil and sin, he has set this trap upon me makes me feel I am useless and helpless, but I couldn't deny how big my God is, even I had been defeated and let people tremble on me, spilting on me and humiliates me of my foolishness. I know this is not all important, let the enemy mock me, let them rise their flag in my city, let them crush my city walls and kill off all my men and flocks. For I am truly helpless on my own. How long will you stay a far O God, have me and my people sinned against you? Is this the wrath of Yours sent to punish me? But God I just wanted to affirm you, I am weak that is why I had sinned, I have lost my way of becoming strong. My stronghold is now been overrun, and my enemy steps on my dead body. I have lost, but God will you avenge my lost?