Memory Lightwaves ~~~ Part I

As I flip through my Blogs I saw a revolution happened in my life. Its been one year now I joined Hope of God Church - Hope International Ministries (HIM) - Hope Kampar, whatever you wanted to call it.

The first day I set foot in Kampar, I started to seek out a church. With that eagerness I also seek the care from them, but only church I found, not the care. Last time I used to join Wesley Methodist Church and sometimes Kampar Chinese Methodist Church. I found that I am a stranger among them and did not really had much sense of belongingness. So I thought I need to join them more by associating myself in UTARcf (Christian Fellowship)

Well that is still not the answer because I did not have the perseverance to go their meetings which is 830pm at night and my class ended at 8pm. What a rush, without dinner without proper transport and with all the tiredness stretched from morning class until dusk... So I think it is also not so convenience for me to go there. Soon, without awareness my spiritual life getting hungrier and hungrier. Goes to church but my soul is not refreshed and soon dissapointed and left. Till this point when you flip back my blogs from Windows Lives Space, you will see me in a depression. So many spiritual attacks and I am unable to overcome it. Still hanging on my own strenght and did not allow God to solve it.

Kay Yong (Left) once talk to me that I need to depend on God no matter what, since it was proven that many times I had failed because I use my own strenght and seek to glorify myself. Bee Kim (Right) also once and until now monitor my growth more rigidly. But the post transformation life I will say if I did not see God's work with my own eye, I wouldn't believe that He really existed. So many times the devil deceives me and I let his lies entangles me. Then I am still foolish enough to let it be my guide of life. - Nihilism - an aspect of death. Maybe you guys have my Facebook add, the name Thomas S. Choo the S represents Schiffer, Ulqiourra's sir name (4th Espada from Bleach Anime) I was so much like him, Nihilism at first I thought it was powerful, but now I call it stubbornness!

Day by day has passed by, something changed. I come to the point I did not feel God at all. [now I know this called the process of spiritual adolescence] I had nightmares, restless nights and days.

Then I recalled it was the most desperate moment that I search even more emotionally on sense of belonging. I found Vri and with all desperation almost caught both of us ended up our friendship and become enemies. Then I visited a counsellor and from that day onwards I'm getting better a little bit, but still hanging on to own strenght and unwilling to let God take charge in my life. Finally I found little Thomas, the inner-self of me. Started to have a bridge to understand myself more and learned in order to love others first must learn to love ourselves.

Next Miller (Right) shows up while I and some of my classmates drinking beers in their house. I was jogging fiercely that night, but Miller approached me. He talked to me and bring me to a "pondok" and sang a song "I have decided to follow Jesus, there's no turning back, no turning back." That was so touch, that I couldn't expect a person like Miller that could give me the care and God's peace is in me. Since then I feel hope again, so I joined Hope Kampar.

(This are my classmates who drink beer together, see that Miller is on the top row most left?)

I can't remember so much what happened during that transition period, and the only thing I remember is my 20th birthday passed. And also was mooncake festival. Slowly I joined their activities more consistently. Still I was dissatisfied with the amount of care they given me.