I don't Think I am Ready...

I simply do not think I am ready to proceed to greater task. When my sheperd asked me what is my responsibility? I fail to answer it because I lack of sense of responsibility. People say I am still hanging in my comfort zone and unwilling to step out from it to explore the world especially my talents which were locked in my treasures. Today's service Joshua shared the power of God and His presence this morning, and I totally busted up that I did not experience God recently, where is he? Have I forsaken Him again or His withdrawal? Who can tell me? Without His presence I am powerless, my spirit is dry I mean for these pass few weeks also the same. I do admit God has healed me and maybe my receptors does not sense His coming, what a waste. How to sense God's presence? This is my question... if all the things in Christian faith have to act out initiatively rather than waiting God to give should it be very hard to survife for those who are weak in mind? I am a passive person, and God knows that I am one who wait until things played out only go in and join the activity. What comes into my mind right now is that God wanted me to learn how to be more socialized and interactive and this is not in my nature as you know I am with a spirit of timidity but the scripture says: "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." - 2 timothy 1:7 -

If God has given me this should I suffer from what I am right now a timid person? Or did I not receive his spirit? Later people rebuke me and say I refuse to accept for God give us freely for those who calls upon Him. I did call upon him and cry during my prayers for his presence to come and I wanted to experience it but now I feel nothing. Then later they rebuke me again and say how willing am I to give up my life and receive God's spirit fully? Ah... this is the point I am not willing for I am fearful of standing out from my own living style and that refrain me from doing God's work in me. Another point is that I am weak and easily fall into temptation and my desire for God's presence and power if little, this open the door for the devil to comes in...Another open goal for devil is I have pride in me, I am jealous over some particular people who have out grown me in the spirit, and I am angry because I was stagnated in my spiritual gorwth. See that I have spiritual polutants that I am unwilling to confess and never be transparent to my sheperd of what exactly happening to me behind those rooms, beds and dark places. Lonely places are dangerous as I had been warned, and these has cause me not to stay in my room for this three days for I slept in my brother's house to refrain myself to sin futher more. See that I do not have self-control too, not only over lust, but also the addiction that starts to generate in my heart towards computer games. People say we had to learn how to rest in the lord not rest on our own accord. I am stressful both my mental and spiritual, and I am seeking for a nice spiritual bed to lay on, but that is not the way on how to rest our spirit. In short I DON'T KNOW HOW TO REST!" Please my dear sheperd if you reading this then please help me for I am already helpless in the sense that my mind is totally blank in front of everyone.

I prayed for others and prayed so often but yet not faith in it, how does it sound? I doubted God? I do not trust God? I always know God is good, God is great that He can heal all kinds of things, I know but how come I do not have faith? If I had doubted I did not recover from my sickness already. Surely I did not doubt, but still "Mana keyakinan aku??!"

In the end I tell you guys, I know you all also having trouble with all these things but you all have a higher level of spiritual maturity that I do not possess. Therefore it has all became minor things that is distracting in your life so that you all can serve God more effectively. I do not reach that kind of maturity so I don't pretend I am one so I can be true to you all and to myself. Though some people out grown my faith and level of maturity I feel envy, but this is peer pressure that gives me a choice whether to use is as motivation to grow faster than them or not. I tell myself I have my own speed, so I do not need to compare the growth rate with my brothers and sisters and also to refrain me from feeling envious. Pride has also taken control in me that I simply do not want to let go of my own living style and depend fully unto myself to work things out. Like it or not I must get rid of all these things bit by bit until I reach the level of maturity Christ has. I do not know how long it takes, but I plead you guys please I am on the edge do not push me or I will fall down the cliff. Let me grow up slowly because I feel that there is an urge for leaders to raise up and taking responsibility to grow the kingdom of God and taking care one another, but I just feel that I am not ready for that. You may ask when is ready? I think I needed more time. Please wait me, wait my mind switch my autopilot to God. Forgive me for I am slow, I know you needed man power but a rush would destroy me completely. I joined you all for 5 months, and I say I stagnated for 3 months. What statistic is that? Forgive me for not growing up. I feel am I very childish but that is what must gone through the process of maturing. Without childishness you can't distinguise what is maturity right? So let me learn it slowly. I don't care anymore whether other people grow like gaints, but I will just slow like the snail and small like the bacterias which even goliath can't resist my attack.

"Just want to tell you guys I am not ready."