Racing upon the time

Deadlines here, deadlines there, deadline everyway. I don't even have time spend much on the bed and especially in my own room, always slept in my friend's house. Makes me feel like I am a nomad. I am really wanted to get frustrated at my work and wanted to get emotional, but not this time, it was too busy, there is no time to scold people, no time to get emotional or get angry. I just stunt by the situation that we all are in.

People ask me why psychology student have such stress that they are nightwalkers, they walk like zombies lack of moisture, food, and wandering around without sleep. Then I say it has two factors, first it was the people's skill of managing time or the workload has consumed all the time have to be a freeman. We bounded by the condition of our workloads, we are not free, but has the freedom in Christ, so no matter how busy we are, in the same time we busy for God too. Devil is still on duty, his strenght is hardworking, he worked 24 hours a day without stopping and the same thing he tries to make us be like him.

Recently there are a lot of traffic accident happened around Kampar, we just needed to pray extra mile for the people's safety in this town. I wonder how is the cyclist who bled and send to hospital.

Still it is very busy,busy and busy, thought that I have already intergrated my life in an advance level, but what I lost is the free time to think. I just keep on doing and doing the on hand job and did not have brain enough to communicate with others, my brain is locked! Scientifically the brain needed glucose for energy to produce work, now the energy is drying up, so ended up I eat a lot more than when I am not stressed. Thanks to Obama's burger and red bull drinks!

Meanwhile, Thomas is about to smash his head into the dirt. The mini experiment conducted last week was denied by his lecturer, and then he is required to redo the experiment which is more related to the research journals. Well, deadline is less than 9 hours from now, but I think God is gracious, the lecturer gave him time to hand up till latest by monday. I hope he is fine and able to unlock his brain to contribute into the assignments.

Oh my its 3 am, my eyes are still open widely spooking through this electronical window, spying across the research journals and making presentation slides. I hope everyone would have more time than me so that they may not suffer as much as I am. Well, anyhow I still want to make sure I do not sin anymore to my God and believe he will bless me with wisdom and strenght to presevere on all this happened. Amen!

Busiest Moment

In my busiest time you are there peeking at me, though those eyes are irritating sometimes, but I know you were there watching over me.

In my busiest moment doing assignments, you are hide on top of the ceiling spooking at me like a ghost, and it is more irritating, but I know you were there watching over me.

In my busiest time while I meeting up my friends and team members for discussion about the upcoming events, yet you are there staring at me. It really gets me haunted by your presence, yet you are there with me.

Finally when I am asleep, you sit beside my bed smiling at me and gaze your eyes on me, watching me sleep deeply and soundly, yet I know that you are there beside me.

Everytime speaking of you, it really feels like haunted by you. But I know you always there looking after me day and night for my safety, you never sleep never blinks an eye. I feel secure when you are beside me.

I just wanted to thank you for all the time you spend with me though I did not really put my focus onto you. The gentle hands that you strech out to me, those gentle voice you speak through my ears, I felt the love in you. And yet I know you are there guiding me.

Everytime when I fall down, you seems to draw back a little, and you just nod your head and let me go on. Sometimes I did not get what does this means, but finally I know you are there hoping me to get back up myself, hoping me to grow up.

When I am angry about something, you make yourself silent infront of me. Hoping that I really could learn how to be more tolerant, and patient.

When I am lazy, you are there looking at me but say nothing, wishing me to get back up on the feet and continue my responsibility.

Even when the time I frustrated that I am not ready you slowly building me up. All hope seems to be lost but you give new insights that I still continue on my journey.

How great is that I build my confident in you, how great is my foundation rooted in you.

Now I Know that how much you care for me although in the eyes of others you ruined me. That doesn't matter, because I know you. I wanted to say I Love you.

I don't Think I am Ready...

I simply do not think I am ready to proceed to greater task. When my sheperd asked me what is my responsibility? I fail to answer it because I lack of sense of responsibility. People say I am still hanging in my comfort zone and unwilling to step out from it to explore the world especially my talents which were locked in my treasures. Today's service Joshua shared the power of God and His presence this morning, and I totally busted up that I did not experience God recently, where is he? Have I forsaken Him again or His withdrawal? Who can tell me? Without His presence I am powerless, my spirit is dry I mean for these pass few weeks also the same. I do admit God has healed me and maybe my receptors does not sense His coming, what a waste. How to sense God's presence? This is my question... if all the things in Christian faith have to act out initiatively rather than waiting God to give should it be very hard to survife for those who are weak in mind? I am a passive person, and God knows that I am one who wait until things played out only go in and join the activity. What comes into my mind right now is that God wanted me to learn how to be more socialized and interactive and this is not in my nature as you know I am with a spirit of timidity but the scripture says: "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." - 2 timothy 1:7 -

If God has given me this should I suffer from what I am right now a timid person? Or did I not receive his spirit? Later people rebuke me and say I refuse to accept for God give us freely for those who calls upon Him. I did call upon him and cry during my prayers for his presence to come and I wanted to experience it but now I feel nothing. Then later they rebuke me again and say how willing am I to give up my life and receive God's spirit fully? Ah... this is the point I am not willing for I am fearful of standing out from my own living style and that refrain me from doing God's work in me. Another point is that I am weak and easily fall into temptation and my desire for God's presence and power if little, this open the door for the devil to comes in...Another open goal for devil is I have pride in me, I am jealous over some particular people who have out grown me in the spirit, and I am angry because I was stagnated in my spiritual gorwth. See that I have spiritual polutants that I am unwilling to confess and never be transparent to my sheperd of what exactly happening to me behind those rooms, beds and dark places. Lonely places are dangerous as I had been warned, and these has cause me not to stay in my room for this three days for I slept in my brother's house to refrain myself to sin futher more. See that I do not have self-control too, not only over lust, but also the addiction that starts to generate in my heart towards computer games. People say we had to learn how to rest in the lord not rest on our own accord. I am stressful both my mental and spiritual, and I am seeking for a nice spiritual bed to lay on, but that is not the way on how to rest our spirit. In short I DON'T KNOW HOW TO REST!" Please my dear sheperd if you reading this then please help me for I am already helpless in the sense that my mind is totally blank in front of everyone.

I prayed for others and prayed so often but yet not faith in it, how does it sound? I doubted God? I do not trust God? I always know God is good, God is great that He can heal all kinds of things, I know but how come I do not have faith? If I had doubted I did not recover from my sickness already. Surely I did not doubt, but still "Mana keyakinan aku??!"

In the end I tell you guys, I know you all also having trouble with all these things but you all have a higher level of spiritual maturity that I do not possess. Therefore it has all became minor things that is distracting in your life so that you all can serve God more effectively. I do not reach that kind of maturity so I don't pretend I am one so I can be true to you all and to myself. Though some people out grown my faith and level of maturity I feel envy, but this is peer pressure that gives me a choice whether to use is as motivation to grow faster than them or not. I tell myself I have my own speed, so I do not need to compare the growth rate with my brothers and sisters and also to refrain me from feeling envious. Pride has also taken control in me that I simply do not want to let go of my own living style and depend fully unto myself to work things out. Like it or not I must get rid of all these things bit by bit until I reach the level of maturity Christ has. I do not know how long it takes, but I plead you guys please I am on the edge do not push me or I will fall down the cliff. Let me grow up slowly because I feel that there is an urge for leaders to raise up and taking responsibility to grow the kingdom of God and taking care one another, but I just feel that I am not ready for that. You may ask when is ready? I think I needed more time. Please wait me, wait my mind switch my autopilot to God. Forgive me for I am slow, I know you needed man power but a rush would destroy me completely. I joined you all for 5 months, and I say I stagnated for 3 months. What statistic is that? Forgive me for not growing up. I feel am I very childish but that is what must gone through the process of maturing. Without childishness you can't distinguise what is maturity right? So let me learn it slowly. I don't care anymore whether other people grow like gaints, but I will just slow like the snail and small like the bacterias which even goliath can't resist my attack.

"Just want to tell you guys I am not ready."

First Blood!

Though it was a motivation for me to study but the more I study the more temptation come telling me that it was silly and tiring when study. Tempted to sleep, tempted to play computer games. How would I rest my mind with such indulgence? If you had to know what is going on truely behind the scene of this blog, I the writer had numerous struggle within the mind. Why would I be such weakling to withstand the plague of the devil's tricks? Isn't the answer that I am weak because God wanted me to submit to his authorities so that I might get His blessing so I am strong in Him?

After struggling whole day yesterday, the voice in my head, the rush of anger for no reason, we do not know what might cause the sudden erruption of my emotion and maybe the unfinished business 15 years ago. I always know that somehow things from the past still emerging to interupt my life right now, the subconscious are unforgiving. Last time I was able to control my emotion by bring love and indulgence to the inner-self (little Thomas) which I recently totally detached from his attentions. Anyhow, he is I and I am him, so what is wrong? I did not suffer schizophrenia or any other psychopathological illness. Has my act of love not enough so that I had become neurotic? Then I ask myself what is the need in me unfulfilled? The answer is someone's quality time that it is impossible to get what is expected from her, so that is why I always try to spend time with her to get this desire fulfill. After the BGR seminar I was convienced that I shouldn't propose her to get into courtship yet and I am struggling all my way back to partnership level which are more tolerable. Does this need satisfied now? It should be, and I think it also will cause distorted relationship building too because I was sometimes errputed emotionally.

However I should teach little Thomas on how to focus on the right thing... See, 3 more days Midterm test for personality and cognitive psychology is up. I should have use these days fully on studying and concentrate fully of learning everything possible to face that examination. See through it, because as long as I assume my love and belongingness needs are fulfill by my brothers and sisters and from God that I can pursue on to the next level of motivation that is the need of esteem. Esteem of getting high grades in my class that I may glorify God with the grades that He blesses me. For sure I will give thanks for that for I started to practice thanking God always. Blessed be the name of the Lord!

To answer my sheperd's question: "What is your responsibility?" I will answer: "My responsibility is to live a life that shout God's fame, one whom bring God's glory, one whom make Him smile, one whom remained obedient and submissive to Him, one whom reflect His love to His people and one whom live according what God purposed me to live."

Dispite all struggle, I took it as a lesson for God say:

"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,

and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,

6because the Lord disciplines those he loves,

and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

- Hebrews 12: 5b-6 -

Geared Up!

Geared up! I finally found my motivation to study but it seems it is quite late to found it. But I tell myself it is not too late though when I was planning how I am going to cover all the topics it seems like it is impossible to finish everything. It happens that I had a feeling that this time it is not the same as like last time, I got a belief however this time though the time use for revision is miraculously little and still I can score well in my midterm. I don't know this feeling is a delusion or not or just simply a sense of responses to my inferiority complex?

However there are some strategies I implemented into this very moment of revision, to night it is impossible for me to go on because of tiredness, but I will start the whole process as the first sun raise. I wanted to thank God and also my friends who have been so eagerly to pray for me. I thank that God had heal my sickness and also recover my spiritual and mental health.

Perhaps the BGR seminar give me an insight that I should start with preparation to become a right person in the future. I am joyful that I finally can take all these BGR things easily because it has become a small matter in my sight. Not getting too emotional, that is what all about. Even though I may had been deceiving myself about whether I am loving someone now, but I know much more what to do better right now. Thanks for Mr. Doh, and Joshua.

Ok, till then I will update again. Good nite.

Decision 4 Success

I still remember what Dr. Peter Hirsch teach in his 10 secrets for success in his book "Success by Design" I can concluded every secret of success will not go without making a decision to start. The question is when? Every great adventure starts in a first step. I glad that one of my dearest friend had made a decision as well as a commitment to become a more mature Christian. Yet, every journey has its own obstacles and challenge, I do you recall that everything is made possible to those who have faith and because God has already filtered out the impossible from humanity. That comes impossible is nothing and also nothing is impossible. There are always things happening around and everything is possible. But it is impossible to have a success in anything not that until you decided to make the first move. It's a choice!

Like love, do you know it is not emotion? Love is a decision as well as commitment. Its about how much you willing to give rather than receiving. Most people say in a relationship is give and take and its not the full truth, not until both of them fully focus on giving another rather than recieving. Giving means giving freely. But do you lose because you give, not at all. In the eyes of material we see ourselves is the losing party but why don't you see the prosperity of the other that you gave to them, what joy is that when you see that other people blessed by you because you gave, they are happy because of you? That is why this love is sacrifice. We can't interprete the love with business understanding, because love is not investment, you can't expect its benefits in return. However, God sees those who done in secret to bless others, He will bless them with heavenly treasures.

"Funny is that when we make a wrong decision it succeed failure."

and for you, when it is not the time to focus only loving one fully then it is not the time. Focus on the right thing.  I know when we reach the age of 18-35 we desperate to find intimacy and love, which a lot of us confused as lust = love. So make it clear, whenever you do not know what love is and what lust is, you shall not be in a relationship at all (BGR). Can you give your partner a sense of security? or have you explore to know more about yourselves and love yourselves more to give more love to him/her? Confidently I say we shall love ourselves more only then we can reflect that love unto others, including your love interest or your special one.

Therefore I want to repeat a sentence that had been use before:

"DO NOT BECAUSE OF A TREE YOU BURN

AWAY THE WHOLE FOREST."

The tree means you yourselves, your talents, your personal exploration, or even when you have all things explored and mature enough, do not grieve if He/She doesn't meant to be with you because God has prepare a far greater (THE BEST) helper in your life. Be patient and waited joyfully. Amen.

In Love, Thomas >.<

Deceiver's pride II

How many testimony did I share is about perseverance in God with faith and do not let your guard down for the days are evil? - Always...

How many times we heard people say or even we ourselves say we walked by faith not by sight? - Always...

How many times did God say you need to live fully by faith and trusted in the Lord always? - Always...

Nonetheless we are not unwarn, but already alerted and acknowledge of what is going on and the Holy Spirit had warned us against such acts of devil in our life always. Did we heed the warning and walk in fear that we do not provoke God's wrath? After all it was our own transgression and our own folly that make us fall. But do you brothers and sisters notice me falling apart? Did you all not notice that the devil has make a big threat to us? He refrain us from sharing our own personal experiences with God and the devil makes me silenced in every opportunity that can makes me feel happier.

I do believe all our brothers and sisters are also facing a same persecution with me that you are sick in the body and a lot of times our body dissapoint us. But for my own oppinion as long as we put our faith in God and desire His presence and must be sure that you are truely eager to experience God then you will be positive. Do not think so much, for what we have here is a simple faith because there are much more things that God only understand while we can't. That is why we do not need to know what is the full picture first then only act and the secret in human sight that just like what we can find in the self-help books. Even Christian ones also come back to those basics that we need to be positive, make some plan and pursue on it then eventually get the success. But here I wanted to say what exactly Warren wanted to say, there are no self-help books that can help you out of it. Only God does. The concept is just the same as when you first believe Jesus died for your salvation, the same concept when you believe in the works of the Holy Spirit - speaking in tongue, healing, interpreting tongues, prophecise and so on, and it is the same concept for everything that is to have a simple faith. Our minds is so wonderful as we study it, and even when I study the cognitive psychology in the class I was amazed by what God has created and put in our heads. We think, we control, we decide, we act and everything, but one of the function of our brain is the receptor of God's power that is the power to think without thinking and doing a lot of wonders and miracle that we see in the history of men, the problem is whether God wills it or not!

Therefore brothers and sisters, we do not need to think as human thinks, we think like what God is thinking! As we are walking a lot more closer with God we know what He is up to, we human minds can accept it but can't put into consciousness about what we are receiving from God. Therefore we have the tendency of thinking without thinking which Malcolm Gladwell writen a book "Blink" it was all miraculous work of God that He did not even manage to write in his book. Science can't explain it, because science is created by men not God. Therefore we can't use the invention's perception to see how the invention works, you can't explain how yourselves can be worked out because we can;t tell not until we read the creator's manual which is the bible.

The deceiver's pride is about getting us fallen away, which acts like the ghost in the machines that manipulate our functions from what is originally programmed. The deceiver is a virus that misconduct us from proper program running and destroying it. The deceiver is to erase your realself by inducing an unrealistic you in your brain and a lot of time we find that we are in identity confusion. As the deceiver, he knows that when we know a lot more about the truth he will get to advance another level of deception on you so that you can remain back into you own world. Have you ever watched the Matrix movie? We are inside the matrix and as we know that we are actually under the power of the computer which confuse us of which world that actually we use to live in, the computer sent the agents to eliminate us and they compute us as threat or viral in the matrix system when we doing some extraordinary things just like those who are running into the matrix and out e.g. Morphius, Naobi, Neo and Trinity. We Christians are the virus in the matrix world, we are in the world but not of the world, Im sure that I make this pretty clear for everyone.

For your information I am struggling for I am engaging with this agent of deceiver who keeps on injecting the deceiver's essence into my thoughts that makes me feel I am a destroyer of Christianity and the right arm of the devil's army. Maybe I really meant to be a very influential leader in the future to lead up Christians and that is why the Devil also wanted me to be his general. Yesterday's enemy became today's recuit, I hope they wouldn't hate me for that.

"AWAY FROM ME YOU DECEIVER

THE TWISTED TONGUE!"