Love ~ Lesson of Vulnerable Emotions

Lesson of Vulnerable Emotions
This morning when I wake up I saw her face and was hugging her in the dream, kissing her in the lips. However, I start to question myself, I am wrong of doing that? Because deep down in my heart, I do imagined I do that to almost everyone I say I felt in Love with. This is simply infatuated love wasn’t it? Suddenly, another question pop up asking: “Hey, what have you learn so far from your experiences with falling in love?” I think I still can not that question. What have I learnt? Yes I do learn how to act the love out by reading up reference on how should I act the love out towards other people. I learn to appreciate the girl I fall in love more and more, what I mean is from my love history, I did not have any dating relationship before, but I just silently loving someone and after not meeting up each other for sometimes, the love feeling fades. This is infatuation. I never meet up with someone that really get infatuated to me too. So I don’t know what it is feels like when someone wants to date me. I have this weakness, when someone tends to care more about me then I easily misinterpret their good deeds as wanted to date me. That is why I easily fall in love. For a dozen of case I had before, all of them is still infatuation, I never met with a true love before, though there is a little bit feeling of frustration, but I guess it is not the time yet for me to date someone. I always tell myself if I fall in love with someone and later lost the feeling or broken, it was God wanted me to meet up with a couple of wrong person (for my case is dozen already) so that I will truely appreciate my rightful partner when we meet up in the timing of God. I also start to wonder whether this time is the right time or not? I got up to be more and more committed myself to care and learn from her, more about her, what is her needs, what is good for her, what to give her, and etc. simply all giving freely. I really like it when we are talking about our own failures and weaknesses so that when we share that I really feel love. Because whenever we chat or talk, I am looking for something constructive, lesser jokes, people may find it boring, but I think she did not feel bored about talking all that, because I feel that she is also interested in sharing her own stories. Here by I wanted to thank her again, I really appreciate for what she has done in my life even she didn’t realize, sometimes she also blur whenever I say thank you to her. I really feel I am being cared because she willing to spend time with me chatting and talking, maybe it is because my language of love is quality time, spending time with me is loving me. She already had spoken my love languages maybe she don’t even know it. But the more time I spend with her, the more challenging it comes. Now I even doubt that is this what real love like? I don’t know what true love looks like. I just feared that this kind of relationship is just single sided love. I fear that she just wanted to be friend with me and nothing more, I so eagerly wanted a girlfriend maybe there are some reason from the past. E.g. I did not experience true love before, I did not given someone who really cares for me, and you may say what about my parents? Did they not giving their love to you? Yes of course they did, but I had already blinded because they hurt me deeply since I was very young, and especially my brother, watching him being abused. Until now I am still feeling the pain, and I am sinning for not forgiving my father. I needed love, I do not know how love myself, not until I meet her, she changed my life dramatically, and she don’t even realize it. I became less perfectionism, lesser temper, and I totally lost most of my evil thoughts. She make me become more realistic, more independent, more hardworking. I am alive again because of her. She saved me. God has sent this angel to me, God has show His love to me through her. I am very happy yesterday because I finally realise all this happening. I can’t hold it to say I thanked her. But what I really wanted to tell her is that, is this what it means, I loved you? In my heart, you already had loved me, just you don’t even realize it. If this passage make you feel embarrassed or bad, tell me so I will delete it. Tell me what to do, cause I am really lost. Lord, I really don’t know what to say but to shout at you that: “I Love this woman!!!”

The secrets of my journey

The secrets of my journey


I should keep myself refuel by inspirations to keep my passion alive. I’ve lost passion in doing anything maybe just simply I am way too complex thinker, perfectionism and fearful jerk. After viewing the show “Peaceful Warrior” I feed up with energy and the main character centers me. Dan Millman was just like a reflection of me, this explains why my counselor gives me this DVD to watch. After viewing it, comes to me a lot of thoughts, and I remember the time that old guy he says keep those trash out of your mind. Yes, that is the answer for my questions. Perhaps I should stop asking questions and go on to experiencing, no wonder I felt that I am full of knowledge but not wisdom, because knowledge is just thinking, but wisdom is doing. As much similar to trying and doing. Ask and you shall receive, and I had been fearful asking questions and answering questions in the class. So this might be the turning point for me, for everything I actually I know it just that I did not learn from it.

Most of the time I wasted on the blaming game, negative emotions and non-constructive thinking. I use to think the same way as Dan Millman thinks, he think he is strong as I do, but I am not, he wasn’t either.
“Socrates(old man): A warrior is not about perfection or victory or invulnerability. He's about absolute vulnerability.”

So my trash is my pass failures, disappointments, fears of failure, and future victory. No I shouldn’t put these on, it kept me away from doing what I doing best. It wasn’t about the ideal self or the true self, because I am who I am. A strong thought came to me, I imagined that I was standing in front of a lecture class and I was presenting something. I strongly started with a challenge:
“Therefore brothers and sister under this roof, I urge you to ask questions and answers the questions with confidence. You are not what people think you are, because you believe it what they told you and it limits you. You are fearful of what people thinks about you how it affects you and truly I say to you, the only cause for your emotions is right inside from you not the outside. Throw all those trash away from you. People think you are showing off when you are performing in a class, and people thinks you wanted to get the lecturer your attention, and I say it is simply not the truth. They might think what exactly what they are thinking, but it is not you, your real motive. It is because you think too much of being embarrassed generates fear and it stops you to get where you wanted to go. Challenge may seem impossible to solve when there is fear. Throw it away. Now, I encourage you all to stand up from your seats and raise your hands and say I’ll do it today, now and here in this moment!”

Peaceful Warriors

Peaceful warriors

Peaceful warriors have the patience to wait

until the mud settles and the waters clear.

They remain unmoving until the right time,

so the right action arises by itself.

They do not seek fulfillment, but wait with open arms

to welcome all things.

Ready to use all situations, wasting nothing,

they embody the Light.

Peaceful warriors have three great treasures:

simplicity, patience, and compassion.

Simple in actions and in thoughts,

they return to the source of Being.

Patient with both friends and enemies,

they live in harmony with the way things are.

Compassionate toward themselves,

They make peace with the world.

Some may call this teaching a nonsense;

Other may call it lofty and impractical.

But to those who have looked inside themselves,

this nonsense makes perfect sense.

And for those who put it into practice,

this loftiness has deep roots.

Adapted from a poem by Lao-tzu

怠, slothfulness

Do you remember last time I put the blog page title a baby sloth. Isn’t that cute? Yes it is a wonderful thing. Slothfulness is even worse than sex problems, sex when you use it rightfully in a marriage it is a wonderful thing. But slothfulness is totally a taboo. You cannot risk it, even now people having idea of Lethargiosis but simply I don’t think it is an excuse to it, I mean what good to sloth? Just like what Wendy Wasserstein said, work less not workless. If you do not do it, what are the consequences? E.g. if you do not work, you have no money…

I learn that the causation of slothfulness recently, it may cause by Discouragement, Perfectionism, and Past Disappointments.[a] Yes it is very true. For my case it really can fit into the example of slothfulness. Thank God I realize this sin early or if I let it corrupts me on and on, I don’t think that I can survive out there. Discouragement,

“Disheartened people can seem slothful. Perhaps their parents told them they were worthless, stupid, or would never amount to anything. Or they are disabled and feel their options are limited. Or they’ve tried again and again, but can’t seem to achieve their goal.” (intouch org.)

I had been disheartened because I lost motivation and have not encouraged by my parents for past decades, now they are better but it is ineffective anymore. In Galatians 6:7-8 say it right. I gave up and go slothful way.

Second, perfectionism, yes, I do admit I am perfectionist. Well friends warn me about that, but it is still a part of my personality, need time to revert it. You know how much it will cost don’t you? The cost of reverting. Yeah, Exodus 4:10-16. I did what Moses did exactly, putting my responsibility to others while I fear of doing it. I feared that I can’t do thing better at my high expectations, so eventually hindered me from doing what is good. You know what, I don’t start a game from level one, I straight go to the final stage, and I lose the game and say the game is impossible to win. What am I expecting? Beating the boss without previous experience and efforts? Games can cheat to win, but in reality, cheating may works but the consequences, I couldn’t bear it.

Third, Past Disappointment. I disappointed in a lot of things because I expect things to be perfect, and it weren’t meeting my expectations. I blame people, blaming God, and curse myself. Blaming God that he gives me such a hard way to walk through. Yeah, I realized he wanted me to learn. Pain = lesson, it is right when you say no pain no gain right?

Yes slothfulness is a deadly sin. It break relationships, it makes you suffer hunger when your resources ran out, and lead to other deadly sins as well. I hope God has mercy on me, lead me not into the sin but deliver me out, and learn from it. I think this time He is using me to witness the sin of slothfulness among us. I wanted to change. I prayed that I may have wisdom to become wise enough to handle things over. Thank you for listening to my cries last night. Thanks. Love ya.

Journey to realisation

It was Friday evening 16th October 09’, I and my church friends went to fountain side camping somewhere in Kampar, can say it is a secret place for natives to go in to. It was a very nice place, sadly it was raining that day though is not big and I thank God for that. The first thing I do when I reach is to capture some beautiful view of the fountain, but unfortunately those photos are unavailable now, my mobile phone drowned yesterday simply because I was too excited to climb up the fountain to take another view from the top and I fell down. A simple mistake causes me to spend extra money to buy new phone which I did not plan to do so. What ever since I need to spend that money why don’t I buy one better phone? If you wanted to see those photos I will post the link here when they are available and I will also put it here at another post so you may see, I can say it is very beautiful.

Last night I told Vri I don’t wanted to judge those who tell a lie to protect themselves from being hurt emotionally, because I simply that kind a person too. Yes, I am. People think I know a lot of things, but I do not. People think that I am active and ongoing, but I am not. This all are lies that I may have told them and showed them when I am with them. Same when I reach the fountain side, I was so newbie, because I had been to National Service and the thing I learn to stay in jungle supposedly I knew a little bit, but I do not, now I am ashamed because I do not know how to raise a camp, even using sleeping bags. Suppose this was the first break through for me but I pretend I had been in a camp before, that is what I told them “I had been in a camp two years ago” that was a lie, just to make me feel more comfortable and acceptable. They make fire for BBQ, they make camp fire to keep warm and light at the night, I know nothing about it. So shame to write it here in my blog, but I have to say that.

We can always lend a hand to help other people to do things, is just that you wanted it or not. That Friday night I was very tension, because I already so emotional and they all starting to do the “camping thing” I don’t know what to do and what to help. Therefore I am fearful of providing help also, later help until making something worst. But we had a wonderful dinner there and supper with BBQ chicken wings, prawn balls, and sausages. I slept early that day 11 pm I went back to the tent and I slept.

17th Oct 2009 (Saturday)

A cool and refreshing morning, we wash faces and brushed teeth there and very sadly, I forgot to bring mine. I just have a towel. So I wash the face in the river bank and straight go eat breakfast. Funny that we all discover new way to cook egg, we played those extra egg I mean put it in the charcoal where it is already smoking hot, just a few minutes the egg explode and it is ready to serve.

We climb on the fountain and I can count there are 5 levels to reach a dead end. We climb on from rock to rocks and some are very slippery and I even get myself scratched and get bitten by red big ants, and now my feet swollen again. Unfortunately I fell down in the second level of the fountain and drown my phone. If I knew I would have shut it down, but I kept it on and finally short circuit and spoiled. Gone ~

But I manage to climb to the dead end and do a Tarzan swing there, and the water is damn cold and deep. We played the cool water and pack up and go home that day 11 am. We walk down hill and we had our lunch together in Seng Yip food court, and bye bye.

Ok that is all, I finally realized that I am not very great, just another novice camper. I am desperate, in so many ways I am already hurt because my knowledge is so shallow, no wisdom and the heart of learning. So when people say I have intelligence, I think that is not true also. I cannot admit everything’s starting point in you yourselves. If we cannot do it yourselves, you cannot help people doing so. If you do not know how to love yourselves then forget about loving others. When you are lazy do not pretend you are smart. Pretending never shows the true you and may even get worst. That is why most of the time I am being unrealistic. There a lot of reasons to say I am not here for you. First I am addicted to computer game once more, thinking about it and obsessed by it. Second, I am thinking about the past emotions and I am not here for you. Third, I am trying to start from my starting point that is myself, and lost affection to you. I simply think that this act is quite selfish also, but I have to do it for the sake that I will not too self focusing. Even now I feel very painful because I made my friends wiped with me last night, I make people emotional and I hope it did not last for her. I am still incapable of loving others. I do not know you… how I love you? It was even a lie that I told her, the love languages say that I needed it for statistics, but it wasn’t. I wanted to know what is her love language is. Sorry Vri, I lied to you. Again … I have lied … Sometimes I say something like this is actually seeking for satisfaction and pity or sympathy from friends. If you feel that I did not deserve it then do not give me. You owe me nothing.

Sushi Frenzy

Eat ahhh! This is the first time I eat until broke in sushi King. Promotion RM 2 per plate (any colour) Really we are crazy about it to night. Well I and Robin ate to most haha, but nevermind we can afford it. Ouch 12 plates for RM 24 that is cheap compare to normal prize. We choose all purple plates to eat XD. Normally it would cost RM 6 for each plate now only RM 2 until tomorrow 15Oct2009 wish you all didn't miss it haha. Required Sushi King member card and per card holder can bring along 5 friends so all togather 6 pax (a table) ^^ Enjoy your lunch or dinner there.

Actually too delicious already, forgot to take the photo for pur first round. This is the second round count, total stacked up for 48 plates lolx. 6 person eat up for only RM96 ++.

Then we had planned to go camping on hill this friday (16 Oct 09), we shop at Tesco there to gather food and drinks and we saw a brand new 'sayor' Haha, funny...

Enjoy!!

Love languages

Like then only got love?

I heard some says if you do not know that person well you are unable to love him/her very well. Then I heard some says, you will only love someone that you like. You can’t love the person you don’t know. There would be enemy that you like too so (your favorite competitors), there are no problem with loving your enemy right?

The main problem is expressing the wrong language of love. There are five stated in Love, Sex and Relationship[a] which is

1.        Words of Affirmation – Spoken words, written cards or letters, emails, compliments

2.        Quality Time – Trips, walks, talking at home, undivided attention, one to one conversations

3.        Gifts – Celebration of special occasions; sentimental gifts; Things you have made

4.        Act of Service – Assistance with chores, kept promises, helping in little ways

5.        Physical Touch – Hugs, sitting close, back rubs, pats on the back

Find out your love language here <click here>

My Test Results:

Percent	Language	Score
17%	Words of Affirmation	5
40%	Quality Time	12
0%	Receiving Gifts	0
30%	Acts of Service	9
13%	Physical Touch	4

How to Interpret Your Profile Score

Your highest score indicates your primary love language. Your second highest score indicates your secondary love language. If two scores are identical, you are bi-lingual(you have two Primary love languages). If the scores of your primary language and your secondary language are close(for example, 10 and 9 respectively), it indicates both are important to you. The highest possible score for any one love language is 12. Having a clear picture of your primary and secondary love languages will explain much of your past behavior. Think back over the past and ask yourself, "What have I most often requested of my spouse?" Chances are your answer will lie within the scope of your primary and secondary love languages. You have been requesting that which would meet your deepest need for emotional love. Your requests, however, might have come across as nagging or criticizing and thus drove your spouse away.

Share you result here so that we can maximising the act of love towards each another. Please comment ^^