When truth become a lie

I still remember during my first semester, I been to counselling. That is the first time I learn that I have an inner me, the reservoir of psyche energy (Affection and motivation). That is the first time I learn that I need to be stronger to live happily. I've learn that I should love myself in order to reflect that love onto others.

The major problem in my life is not knowing the way of love and even the meaning of love. People say love is sacrificial and not self-centered, this makes people become altruistic and I am on the verge of imbalance because trying to love someone before I can truly love myself, this will become the most dreadful lie that I told myself that I had the ability to love others as myself because I never had love myself. I challenged a jump of every stage of development and this prove it is pathological to jump from one stage to another without proper progress from the foundation to the top, the ideal-self. All started in simple and little mistake and it grow like vines in the garden when it is fully grown it looks beautiful, but it was an illusion because I let the lie continue to root into the value system in me and that makes that lie a truth to me. The advice I can get is to let go of all things and let God take charge in me. The reason is God is love, when I really let go of the lie and wanted to love myself, surely I will have a balance life to love myself and love others. Burn the vines and cast it out, starting from all basic things again because my foundation is not firm. What is the foundation then? Again there is a lie told in me that basic motivation comes from do-success-reward and do-fail-punishment routine. Still what is the foundation, the basics? - to truly love oneself. But how to show myself that I really love myself?

Love is not indulgence, love is living with the truth and become realistic, love does not let oneself suffer emotionally while able sustain positiveness in most dreadful moments (persevere), love does not speak out of anger but of gentleness, love is able to forgive one's mistake and able to move on without guilt, love is discipline and have self-control, love is patient towards learning and failures, love does not let oneself jealous of other unique beings or to boast one's greatness, love is humble and see others blessed by the one who gave, love is not rude, love is to trust oneself in things they do, love always hope for everyone's well-being, love is to have faith in things they do, love is confidence, love has a joyful spirit, love doesn't fear for true love cast out fears, love doesn't lie but lived with perception, love is accepting facts, love is true-hearted.

These are the way of love, not by words but by actions. Knowing all these still is useless if it is not put into action, so where to start? What are the basics? Starts with the automatic thoughts, change it. To change you need practice and start acknowledge that love doesn't let negativity dominates. To practice? Start with writing down word of courage and motivation all around you, eventually it becomes a part of your thinking. Redefine failure always and rephrase every obstacle you face, it is not a lie simply because it has no prove that others might think the same way you think, it is just a perception. Positive thinking is worth thinking because it gives birth to creativity. It is not a lie because thinking positive is not neglecting the negative, but able to accept the negative fact and live positively in the negative world.

You know what? I should be rejoicing for I have this therapeutic moment to think through again and it is not repeating the old mistakes but repeating the same learning progress on a different level a higher level. Basic is the most important thing in everything, even the greatest mathematician learn to add and substract before knowing how to perform intergration and higher mathematical theories and laws. I love the way Isaiah say it: "Without faith I do not stand at all." I say it is just another progress in my life and when there are more prosecution come there is something great going to happen, soon. I will just say: "If it didn't kills me then it will make me stronger." Thanks for all the trail and test.