The Fall

After the fall he became a king that rules the earth, and the next thing we know is the first sin of man. It's all started with a little temptation and provoke our curiosity. Then the one who first died is an animal that skinned for cloth for we know that we are naked. Then Cain was the first man ever to strike down another. And when the Lord came to him and said "What have you done?", Cain could not hide his crime - for the voice of his brother's blood cried out from the very ground.

Too much to think, too much to write, the only thing I know, I lived not much different than them who used by evil. The one who helped evil, the one who tempted his brothers and sisters, the one who corrupt the innocent mind, the one who taught his friends addiction as hobbies, the one who has a twisted tongue for everyword spooken out of him is toxic and full of lie. I am him, a serpent with two heads, one hand wanted to please God, another is to please the fallen one. The Lord has warned me thousands of times, we can't serve two masters.

"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."      - Matthew 6:24 -

It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you.                                   - 1 thessalonians 4:3-6 -

The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off—for all whom the Lord our God will call." With many other words he warned them; and he pleaded with them, "Save yourselves from this corrupt generation."                                                       - Acts 2:39-40 -

Sounds like God can't save those who do not wanted to be save yea? But I wanted to be save, I know what God hates, I know what God loves and what pleases Him, I know, my conscious always going to the right way with God knowing what is good and evil, but I do not know the how to do it. I say I lack of vision, lack of faith, lack of confidence, lack of love, lack of motivation, lack of discipline, lack of commitment. When I first prayed for 3.4 GPA for this semester, the Lord urge me to change my attitude towards study, if not the GPA 3.4 can't glorify Him and its meaningless, then the same prayer I pleaded God for mercy that I affraid that I would fail and retake my paper and this drag all of my time in this campus. But if it was God's will to let me retain my years in this campus to change myself, then surely I will fail and retain, but I can expect that my dad will terminate me from this threat because he has no more money for me to play in this campus. I hated myself, even knowing the consequences, and fearful about the bad outcomes still seeking to gratify shorterm excitement and fun.

I am desperate and no hope already, I already told you I am not ready for any bigger responsibility, I am the one who wanted the treasures without working hard for it. This is me! No one can change that! This is the fact, because I am not willing to change myself! Not willing to step out from my comfort zone! I rather die under the well and the hole that the donkey fall into, because I am too lazy to lift even on of my leg on the dirt and too lazy to shake my body off from the dirt. I surely buried alive in it. The time wouldn't stop just as the dirt that is pouring into the hole, even the donkey can climb its way up by steping on the dirt and shake them off, me, huh... not even a donkey, Jesus rides a donkey, and I am not even a donkey, I am a shit! One only know how to FUCK myself and MASTURBATE everyday INDULGANCE with SEXUALITY. FUCK all this! I have stop mastubating and quited sexuality almost a month, what changes it makes? This sex drive give more and more tension and make me can't focus on my study, always searching gradification by playing computer games, playing guitar and eat all I can. None of this can satisfy. What I lack off? Is it love? I did not confuse lust and love, I know the difference! You say this is all normal for everyone but I say it is not! I can tell you the difference through this passage! I know God is not happy over all this, the whole church is convincing me that His grace is sufficient and ready to forgive, but the very core thing is that after he forgive me I still can't change, I been hated sins for almost a month, but slowly it turns back the same way I was. I am who I am, a helper of the fallen. Helping him to tempt others and corrupt others is my job, I been trying not to accept this fact, but not until now I have to accept what God has created in me. It was because God say there will be devil workers that corrupt Christianity and there will be. The church convincing me that everyone has a choice, God has nothing to do with the existence of devil workers, because until the end people still choose to become one. Yes that is true, and I am here telling you, I know should say "no" to become a devil worker but my action say it "YES". I don't wanted to turn away from God but my actions automatically turns away. I can't control myself. At this desperate moment can anyone help? I say surely it is a "NO", only God can help me now. God can you help me?