When truth become a lie

I still remember during my first semester, I been to counselling. That is the first time I learn that I have an inner me, the reservoir of psyche energy (Affection and motivation). That is the first time I learn that I need to be stronger to live happily. I've learn that I should love myself in order to reflect that love onto others.

The major problem in my life is not knowing the way of love and even the meaning of love. People say love is sacrificial and not self-centered, this makes people become altruistic and I am on the verge of imbalance because trying to love someone before I can truly love myself, this will become the most dreadful lie that I told myself that I had the ability to love others as myself because I never had love myself. I challenged a jump of every stage of development and this prove it is pathological to jump from one stage to another without proper progress from the foundation to the top, the ideal-self. All started in simple and little mistake and it grow like vines in the garden when it is fully grown it looks beautiful, but it was an illusion because I let the lie continue to root into the value system in me and that makes that lie a truth to me. The advice I can get is to let go of all things and let God take charge in me. The reason is God is love, when I really let go of the lie and wanted to love myself, surely I will have a balance life to love myself and love others. Burn the vines and cast it out, starting from all basic things again because my foundation is not firm. What is the foundation then? Again there is a lie told in me that basic motivation comes from do-success-reward and do-fail-punishment routine. Still what is the foundation, the basics? - to truly love oneself. But how to show myself that I really love myself?

Love is not indulgence, love is living with the truth and become realistic, love does not let oneself suffer emotionally while able sustain positiveness in most dreadful moments (persevere), love does not speak out of anger but of gentleness, love is able to forgive one's mistake and able to move on without guilt, love is discipline and have self-control, love is patient towards learning and failures, love does not let oneself jealous of other unique beings or to boast one's greatness, love is humble and see others blessed by the one who gave, love is not rude, love is to trust oneself in things they do, love always hope for everyone's well-being, love is to have faith in things they do, love is confidence, love has a joyful spirit, love doesn't fear for true love cast out fears, love doesn't lie but lived with perception, love is accepting facts, love is true-hearted.

These are the way of love, not by words but by actions. Knowing all these still is useless if it is not put into action, so where to start? What are the basics? Starts with the automatic thoughts, change it. To change you need practice and start acknowledge that love doesn't let negativity dominates. To practice? Start with writing down word of courage and motivation all around you, eventually it becomes a part of your thinking. Redefine failure always and rephrase every obstacle you face, it is not a lie simply because it has no prove that others might think the same way you think, it is just a perception. Positive thinking is worth thinking because it gives birth to creativity. It is not a lie because thinking positive is not neglecting the negative, but able to accept the negative fact and live positively in the negative world.

You know what? I should be rejoicing for I have this therapeutic moment to think through again and it is not repeating the old mistakes but repeating the same learning progress on a different level a higher level. Basic is the most important thing in everything, even the greatest mathematician learn to add and substract before knowing how to perform intergration and higher mathematical theories and laws. I love the way Isaiah say it: "Without faith I do not stand at all." I say it is just another progress in my life and when there are more prosecution come there is something great going to happen, soon. I will just say: "If it didn't kills me then it will make me stronger." Thanks for all the trail and test.

The Fall

After the fall he became a king that rules the earth, and the next thing we know is the first sin of man. It's all started with a little temptation and provoke our curiosity. Then the one who first died is an animal that skinned for cloth for we know that we are naked. Then Cain was the first man ever to strike down another. And when the Lord came to him and said "What have you done?", Cain could not hide his crime - for the voice of his brother's blood cried out from the very ground.

Too much to think, too much to write, the only thing I know, I lived not much different than them who used by evil. The one who helped evil, the one who tempted his brothers and sisters, the one who corrupt the innocent mind, the one who taught his friends addiction as hobbies, the one who has a twisted tongue for everyword spooken out of him is toxic and full of lie. I am him, a serpent with two heads, one hand wanted to please God, another is to please the fallen one. The Lord has warned me thousands of times, we can't serve two masters.

"No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money."      - Matthew 6:24 -

It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you.                                   - 1 thessalonians 4:3-6 -

The promise is for you and your children and for all who are far off—for all whom the Lord our God will call." With many other words he warned them; and he pleaded with them, "Save yourselves from this corrupt generation."                                                       - Acts 2:39-40 -

Sounds like God can't save those who do not wanted to be save yea? But I wanted to be save, I know what God hates, I know what God loves and what pleases Him, I know, my conscious always going to the right way with God knowing what is good and evil, but I do not know the how to do it. I say I lack of vision, lack of faith, lack of confidence, lack of love, lack of motivation, lack of discipline, lack of commitment. When I first prayed for 3.4 GPA for this semester, the Lord urge me to change my attitude towards study, if not the GPA 3.4 can't glorify Him and its meaningless, then the same prayer I pleaded God for mercy that I affraid that I would fail and retake my paper and this drag all of my time in this campus. But if it was God's will to let me retain my years in this campus to change myself, then surely I will fail and retain, but I can expect that my dad will terminate me from this threat because he has no more money for me to play in this campus. I hated myself, even knowing the consequences, and fearful about the bad outcomes still seeking to gratify shorterm excitement and fun.

I am desperate and no hope already, I already told you I am not ready for any bigger responsibility, I am the one who wanted the treasures without working hard for it. This is me! No one can change that! This is the fact, because I am not willing to change myself! Not willing to step out from my comfort zone! I rather die under the well and the hole that the donkey fall into, because I am too lazy to lift even on of my leg on the dirt and too lazy to shake my body off from the dirt. I surely buried alive in it. The time wouldn't stop just as the dirt that is pouring into the hole, even the donkey can climb its way up by steping on the dirt and shake them off, me, huh... not even a donkey, Jesus rides a donkey, and I am not even a donkey, I am a shit! One only know how to FUCK myself and MASTURBATE everyday INDULGANCE with SEXUALITY. FUCK all this! I have stop mastubating and quited sexuality almost a month, what changes it makes? This sex drive give more and more tension and make me can't focus on my study, always searching gradification by playing computer games, playing guitar and eat all I can. None of this can satisfy. What I lack off? Is it love? I did not confuse lust and love, I know the difference! You say this is all normal for everyone but I say it is not! I can tell you the difference through this passage! I know God is not happy over all this, the whole church is convincing me that His grace is sufficient and ready to forgive, but the very core thing is that after he forgive me I still can't change, I been hated sins for almost a month, but slowly it turns back the same way I was. I am who I am, a helper of the fallen. Helping him to tempt others and corrupt others is my job, I been trying not to accept this fact, but not until now I have to accept what God has created in me. It was because God say there will be devil workers that corrupt Christianity and there will be. The church convincing me that everyone has a choice, God has nothing to do with the existence of devil workers, because until the end people still choose to become one. Yes that is true, and I am here telling you, I know should say "no" to become a devil worker but my action say it "YES". I don't wanted to turn away from God but my actions automatically turns away. I can't control myself. At this desperate moment can anyone help? I say surely it is a "NO", only God can help me now. God can you help me?

The Law

There is a question asking why laws are implemented. There are two explainations of why, it is because laws are implemented because everyone in this world are imperfect and laws are used to maintain justice and harmony in this world. The second is because that it is used to test our level of obedient. Law sometimes sounds crazy for certain people to obey, just as simple rules such as all personel in the premise of UTAR can not wear slipers, but yet it was because of convenience people wear slipers walking around.

God gave Moses laws from the ten commandments, why? God is a holy God and He hated sin therefore the laws are implemented to keep the people holy and righteous that they may not sin. And yet the same reason people fall is because they chose the way they wanted to live that are convenience to them. I remember those Isrealites been rescued in Exodus 14 and as soon as chapter 16 they already forgotten what God has done for them; the freedom for them, then blame God that He brings them out to starvation. This picture is not much different than us. When we are in a church service we prayed and worshiped but the next thing we know we are living on our own lives. What difference can we make if we are just Sunday Christians? Each task given in the church in the name of "Serving" are you serving the Lord truely? or Serving the church? or do for the sake it was your responsibility? or you do it because you told to do so? or there is no other people able do it so you do it? We forget the vision God gave us so quickly before we can act.

These whole week stretch a verse keep coming into my mind. Obey your leaders and submit to their authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account. Obey them so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no advantage to you. - Hebrews 13:17 . Initially these verse could mean nothing to me, because I am the type I do because someone ask me to do and because the sense of responsibility. This could be an illusion to other people especially the elders and the authorities that they thought I am submissive and able to obey commands. I believe obey is something more than what we do without questioning and because higher authority commands us to do so. But before that I just wanted to make my point clear of which 4 authorities that we are submitting always:

1.) Culture (Everyone is doing it, so what?)
2.) Tradition (We have always done it, what's wrong with that?)
3.) Reason (It seems logical, so?)
4.) Emotion (It feels just right.)

Sounds like you doesn't it?

No doubt we are obedient, but where do we put our obedience? What is obedience? I remember the time when I use to write the "Mark of Friendship". The friendship here spoke of is the relationship with God, we are not his standard but we are the friends who have special previledge to go into the King's keep spend time with Him, and in the same time we submit to His authority because He us our King. Therefore obey Him and make his words your doorkeeper of what goes out and in to our minds for Paul said: "Everything in the scriptures is God's Word. All of it is useful for teaching and helping people and for correcting them and showing them how to live." - 2 Timothy 3:16 (CEV). You ask why obedience? But you already know what obedience brings and what is it all about. It's simple, do what is commanded and it will bring joy as in John 15: 9-11 stated that Jesus said: "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." The ultimate reason why I wrote this blog is simply laws are made for flaws and the solution to these flaws is love that is why in the new testiment Jesus summarize the ten commandment to love your God with all your heart, with all your souls and with all your mind. Love your neighbour as yourself. (Matthew 22: 37, 39)

Human conception of Obedience: Forced to do the command with fear and punishment.

CONCLUSION:

LOVING OBEDIENCE

Easter

Can't deny that today is the day that Jesus was capture in the wilderness. Peter cut off someone's ear and Jesus healed him instantly. The gentleness of His soul still never left Him. His loving hands still working to put back the pieces that were broken since the day human sinned against God. In his heart He reminded himself that human is lost and gone astray and do not know what they are doing, and He is there to forgive every slash and every nails that we put on Him. Yet the pain He say nothing, just going on carrying the cross walked up into the calvary hills. His hands and feet were nailed, His head pierced with thorns, His heart was pierce by the spear. He said nothing but to obey till the point of death, because His ultimate mission is to die for our transgressions.

I am greatly reminded the death of the most high and I had been searching the feeling of losing someone who loves me. The one who is willing to take away my death sentence and hoping I could live a better live after He died for me for the sentence. Today is good friday, Jesus is alive today, but we as Christians should remind ourselves about His death that had saved us from death. Writing under our skulls "Every time we sin, we are likely putting Jesus on the cross all over again and again." Jesus is willing to do that for us, but what are we? Even the smallest temptation we give it in and in exchange of our own pleasure for Jesus' life!?

Love is not about giving someone what they deserve but is to give something good that they do not deserve. Love is not about own pleasure but rather giving pleasure to other people. Jesus is the best example of true love. I wish I could be reminded always that I am sending Jesus to die on the cross all over again when I do sinned. Jesus is one true friend that no one can replace Him, there is none like Him either. 1 John 3:16 - This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.This not a joke, April fool was yesterday but today is a serious day that we should really ponder about our transgression made that destroy the relationship with God. Let us really spend this day to think of God's love and his grace and mercy that we are all still here. Let us appreciate that the Lord has died for us 2000 years ago that make us still here alive.



 
3 days later they looked up, they saw that the stone, which was very large, had been rolled away. As they entered the tomb, they saw a young man dressed in a white robe sitting on the right side, and they were alarmed. "Don't be alarmed," he said. "You are looking for Jesus the Nazarene, who was crucified. He has risen! He is not here. Mark 16: 4-6.

He is risen and is living now on the right hand of God. Waiting patiently of His plans, then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me.Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." - Matthew 28:18-20

The great commission is our ultimate goal in everyday living, in whatever we do, in every aspect of our lives, ask ourselves do we glorify God with that?

May intake is coming up, and final examination is also coming near. I wish I really glorify God with all these up coming events that fulfills the great commission and be the salt and the light of this world. Amen.

Third Star - The Third Chapter

We are not the bintang tiga we used to speak of during the post-second world war in Tanah Melayu. We are the third care group established to make Hope Kampar grows more fervently and it is not a division but a multiplication just as mitosis rather than meiosis. Well recently I was a little bit crazy and my mind did not really functioned well. I bet I did get tired sometimes but this time is really get me dried up, I mean my physically strength. I really thank God that I really can struggle throught hardness and resistance both bodily and spiritually. I know I'd say that I am not ready previously but after that I just heard that God is somehow showing me a message I am ready to explode. Whatever, this is what all people have to gone through sometimes - Jonah Complex [One fear of doing fully what one is capable of]. When Ms. Sim (My Personality Lecturer) teach us about Maslow's theory and talked about Jonah Complex I totally reflect back what actually God did to put Jonah back on the right journey which is go to preach in Nineveh. God send some kind of fish swallow him and throw him to Nineveh, well today my gaint fish is the multiplication of CG that I had no place to hide than to serve God more precisely and frequently. I mean, if prolonged stay inside CG 2 which is a large group and there are already have people serving all along which I have lesser chance to take part in it although there is still a rotation of PIC in everything.

In order to make CG 3 grow in numbers I need to work extra hard to achieve it. This gives me motivation to go reaching out to people and share more. God reminds me of the gift Bee Kim gave me last time (The ball pen). In it has the good news of salvation and how man and God were saparated at first. This is a tool to share the good news!

I can see God is working in me, I can see that He gives me opportunity to learn how to become a team leader (in this easter CG - tomorrow), a virtuoso guitarist and P&W alike, program manager and thinker bank. He gave me this opportunities to serve Him and learn and grow, really it is tiring because I am still busying of my final year examination preparation. BUT! Amazingly that he gave me the strenght to continue on serving him with fervor and growing up motivation to study and to reach out to people. Again here is the definition of motivation - an energy emitted to achieve specific goals and will fully focus to achieve it. E = MC2 ! Your thinking is matter if it spins up twice than light speed things can be done by the energy emitted. Ok that is enough for physic class.  I just try to explain that how we are living with motivation. Well I need to tell you I am getting busier and busier and that means God is using us, because as we getting busier we get more joy in Him, the peace in mind and the tenderness of our spirit, we do not get angry easily (though it may explode sometimes but it is for a couple of minutes only) or even get frustrated, but the mind is an incredible creation of God that he gave us creativity to brain storm the ideas for this upcoming MAY INTAKE outreach program - the GSM, Welcoming night and most of all the TALENT NIGHT! [probably sleepless night too XD - joking] Yeah, one of the lesson we all needed to learn is knowing how to manage our own time. If we use too much time or too less it losses it's effeciency and may relate to other event's performance.

Much more to learn, much more to share and this is a brand new Chapter of my life stories, THE THIRD STAR ERA and also will dedicate to put up my testimonies if I had share some during my CG or in Sunday services. Thank you God, and may all who serves him grant his favor on them and bless them abundantly. Glory be to Him the most High. Amen!

Reminded the 10 core values of HIM (Hope international ministries).