This is why my history fail

The history since form 1 to form 5 I failed all along the way because of what? It wasn't the truth of what we saw and what we collected from the truth. Why would Malaysia wanted to twist and turn the truth of our very own history became HIS-story... However, I would not accept what I studied and I confronted during the examination period, I couldn't afford to absorb something that is a lie, I don't feel like it make any sense of remembering and studying anyone's lies.

Same goes to the sociologist view on Religion it was totally an atheist view in the name of sociology! I couldn't study this anymore, anger burst in my heart, but why would I need to know something that is wrong just to get a better grade in my examination. Has knowledge have no truth in it? Ya I almost forgot this earth and all the knowledge in it is still a worldly one, to get a better stand, better grade, better jobs and better earning wouldn't escape that we are required to do something against the truth of God!

However, I needed this semester's result to be better and the next. I hope God understands...

Dreams or Vision?

I saw Joshua burn down and died where Bee Kim cries and mourned for the lost infront of the hotel gate (this was before their marriage). However he was burned but his flesh did not turn coal, yet he died. I saw the church torn apart, a lot of them struck in fear and left but three remains... I don't see the faces of those three who are still faithful. I don't recall what is the cause of Joshua's death under the fire, but I recall Bee Kim told me in the dream we must keep our faith to build this church, and to grow our faith is now! Bee Kim's grief was short but she is still faithful to God.

I hope what I see wasn't a vision but a dream, and I hope it will not happen. The lesson is our lovely leaders will not always be around us, one day we will too stand on our own. That we are not leeches that always depend on the faith of others to strengthen up but we have our own foundation in God. What I feared was my faith and others too, will they be shaken while our leaders are not around?

Whatever it is, this was a dream I dreamt almost 5 days ago. Today I saw another, I heard my brother Eric speaking in toungue, and what does this mean? I forgotten the previous part of this dream, but could it be that unconsciously I wanted my brother to be a Christian seriously?

Puzzled and speechless when I woke up this morning, I should bring this fragment along but I should move ahead out from this fantasy.

Autonomy vs Shame

My dear friend why do you cast your soul down, Oh my friend?

Wasn't that the scripture has said the Joy of the Lord is my strenght?

If you are not joyous how would the One love you most (God) be joyous?

Even as a friend seeing you defeating yourself, I am hurt, how much more it will be for the father who have created you?

I don't like to judge who you are, but I did, and I am sorry.

I always believe God has a great plan for you my friend,

I believe you are not who you really are and who God created you to be.

Why you wanted to choose your own way instead of the way of the Lord which works?

I bear testimony of Him who has help me,

He changed me from the inside out,

My thoughts, my feelings and maturity.

I don't wanted to boast but this is the greatness of God who has changed me!

If I may, I would wanted to say you are having problem in the second stage of Erikson's psychosocial stages.

From there you cling unto your parents and significant others so much,

you do not have your own stand?

This is the time for independence, if you retreat in the middle of the battle field, you will just clash on to the people behind you and blocking the movement of those who have courage.

If you are continuing with such fear, how much you can stand when the true persecution come?

If you continue with such fear, what can be done to glorify God?

Where is your faith my dear?

Where is your love my dear?

For true love cast out fear!

With faith all things are possible!

I will just pray that the fruit of the holy spirit will bear in you!

You have hear the spirit is willing but the body is weak, yes!

We have to be weak so God only can help you!

If you still cling unto yourself, you are digging a grave!

To dig a hole so hard  why not choose life?

Jesus say he came to give life but do you recieve it?

You believe you saved by Him but do you live like one that have been saved?

I am sorry that I desperated here, but this is out of the anger that God feels too.

However I wanted to thank you for your weakness and stuborness that I saw the time when I was like you. Thank God that He put you here with me, I learn a lot of things. I've earned it. I've earned the heart beat of God and I can see all my flaws too. But guilt has no power over me, shame has no power over me! Because there is no other name higher than the name of the Lord!

I hope you understand...

The New Crusade

While they were eating, Jesus took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to his disciples, saying, "Take and eat; this is my body." Then he took the cup, gave thanks and offered it to them, saying, "Drink from it, all of you. This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. I tell you, I will not drink of this fruit of the vine from now on until that day when I drink it anew with you in my Father's kingdom." - Matthew 26:26-29

It has been said, the blood of a Lamb cleanses the sins of the whole world. The savior of all nation died and rose again in the third day. There is no such thing in the world that wouldn't have sacrifice. The Lord's final and greatest command is to love one another as he has love us, love our neighbour as ourselves and even our enemies. What happen next was Peter denied Jesus three times. So do I... I am not worthy, let me rot and die with the worms consume me. But the grace of the Lord is far more than what we think we are. Yes I am not worthy, but He is able to make me worthy because of His great love and mercy. So let me reborn again and truly receive the redemption. For so long I've hated the One had saved me, and jealous of Him, but what is that for? A thousand times I fail, to receive the grace of God, fail to give in and fully humble before Him, yet His greatest skill of persuasion wins over me - patience. His love I could never deny, fool am I who have seen it yet rejected it, how much more than those who have not seen this great love...

This time I will march on to my own city walls, for now I see who is the true enemy behind this whole treachery. I have been in his spell, a little indulgence, a drop of lust, and a cup of complacency tears down the temple in my heart, and the throne is empty. Let the wise pray the lesser of ourselves and more of God. Let Him be enthrone in our heart, let Him dwell in the temple He created in us. Let us give thanks and praise Him.

Today will be a new day, a new crusade which I conquer my life for Him, let Him have Lordship over my land for I am not the rightful ruler, my kingdom has already fallen, but now He gave me the strength on retrieving back the lost piece of land in my heart. This time He will march with me to retake the city and the temple which He had created in me. He personally sound the war drums for me and I heard it beating deep within my heart. This is the moment of glory. The Hero has come, and I shall have victory in His name. For I have deeper understanding Jesus already had won everything for us, and I shall not fear but only fear Him - The Holy One. And that I shall lay my life for Him who had lay His for me. For now I know, every step I take, every move, every decision is taken account of His redemption. I will only do my best in everything which glorifies Him, nothing more. Let me live a blameless life, continue serving others, loving them, showing every bits of righteousness. Let what He has taught me be meditated day and night.

For God is my courage, my source of love and energy. He will be my shield and my guard. His love is all I needed to live, it is just as simple as that. I will march on, for I know He is with me sounding the battle song in my heart, which stirls up the fire of my heart. Let Your invasion begin in me, my Lord.

Under siege

I am still a child. My mind is still a childish one, never will I think of others and carry the responsibility. The smallest responsibility. I never say it was easy to face any problem and obstacles, but I just needed guidance. Guidance? I know it is only God can give. All the worldly words of encouragement and inspiration can do little to motivate me. I feel nothing but to flee away and detached, yet in front of people I still put on the mask like nothing had happened. My thoughts are haywired, not a word came to me is heard, not a inspirational vision touch me anymore. Could I describe this a hunger for something that I couldn't name it. What had happened to you O my soul. Reluctant to give help and reluctant to be help yet thirst for people's care.

Adrian, I finally understand the feeling of inferiority. "There is so many people around in my life but I still feel the loneliness." I have friends, but they had do their best to help. I have leaders and elders above me thinking I would grow up and grow out from it. Yet I am thirst for something more, the thing just a like a hole in my heart that sucking in everything yet it is not filled. A vacuum which you were called Adrian, I shall be one too. I do understand why people needed so much of care and now I stuck in the middle going no where. Shepherds care for the sheep and hopefully they will grow up, but some sheep is like a vacuum, eating up so much grass you gave yet he did not grow. Your hope as a shepherd to the sheep was to grow up happily and one day towards maturity. I afraid I am disappointing you my dear. I afraid I have started to live a life that is not me because I am living up to your standard. Yes I am foolish. Who has taken away my vision and my ear, my heart cries to you who have stolen it away. I am as an idol which has eyes but cannot see, have ear but cannot hear. My cup is empty, and dried, admiring the cups of others being filled and overflows, when will it turns to me?

Who has taken my sense of responsibility? Who has taken away my cheerful heart? Who has taken away my understanding?

When I search within, when I look onto the mirror, when I saw my face, I couldn't recognize me anymore, what I could see in the face was sad and disappointed. I know it wasn't the end, and I know this is temporal, I am not defeated and I will not give up. But fighting a war which is outnumbered and out of plans, needed more faith and courage. Others see us charge out from the city gates named us fools, yes I am a fool if we charge in the all the places without a direction, but would you tell me we are fools if we charge in one purpose? Yes you will, but something the enemy do not know about us was the faith and courage we had. Faith is believing something true which you do not know what is it. We believe the truth is God's plan will be commence at His will, in His timing and He shall save us from the hands of the enemy. Knowing that our enemy is the devil and sin, he has set this trap upon me makes me feel I am useless and helpless, but I couldn't deny how big my God is, even I had been defeated and let people tremble on me, spilting on me and humiliates me of my foolishness. I know this is not all important, let the enemy mock me, let them rise their flag in my city, let them crush my city walls and kill off all my men and flocks. For I am truly helpless on my own. How long will you stay a far O God, have me and my people sinned against you? Is this the wrath of Yours sent to punish me? But God I just wanted to affirm you, I am weak that is why I had sinned, I have lost my way of becoming strong. My stronghold is now been overrun, and my enemy steps on my dead body. I have lost, but God will you avenge my lost?

Wasn't that Sweet

What the hell, all the sudden was like a moment of dispair. I wanted to be strong so I could lead, I wanted to be strong and wise so I wouldn't lead the whole team astray. Now it was like everyone closes their eyes and no one is going to help in this situation, because all the work we do can said to be also wrong... I don't buy it, I don't do things I do not understand that is my biggest weakness, who can show me the way? How could I be so lame not to search for alternatives and solutions? What more can I do to help in this hour?

I hate to tell everyone I am emotional again because of this sudden pressure that after handle in a report and someone just told me that our report have BIG PROBLEM!!! What is that? I still do not know, I don't understand why so I just wanted to meet with Dr Siah and I pray to God that he may be in office today so that we can consult him what problem was it. Unfortunately it doesn't seems like God is answering that prayer. But I didn't doubt God didn't help, but I am still struck in fear of what should I do because now was like wanting me to revert something that I do not know where the error is... God help me please if you were there and I know you are there! Show me the way so that my friends will not get dissapointed because the indifference of we Chirstians to them. I hate to say this but we are such a bunch of lame Christian that live in foolishness and not a very good testimony...

When things doesn't goes right wasn't that sweet right? It was more than bitter we can feel. But I still believe God's grace is more than what we feel. I still believe he can help me... Please show me the way Lord, when will you do so? Else my whole team is likely walking into their doom!

I am sorry to be so concern of my study because I know it was just a little tiny things in your kingdom but it was a big piece for me and my team now. I know my judgement on this statement is wrong... but I am very confuse now...

It wasn't that sweet after all... and I hate to admit I am defeated easily when the storm come. I hated it...

I am a melancholy

Loooooooooooooooooooong time I did not write here. And for a long time I have not hear from you my friends, how suffer am I when I have eyes but can not see have ears but can not hear.

This morning as I wake up I saw my fellow brothers sleeping soundly and I know they are resting calmly. And I had a moment of devotion but my thoughts keeps on swaying away and makes me unable to concentrate on my prayers. However the Lord did not hesitate of telling me that I need the thoughts of His so I was thinking that I wanted to please someone this morning as I gone for breakfast after frustrated of staying at home reading some boring textbooks. I go out and the Lord told me to "TAPAO" for someone and I was thinking of getting some breakfast for Vri and I think He is teaching me not to just show my love to an opposite sex friend, so Vri did not reply my message. However I decided to call up Isaac and I bought him a "排骨面" greeted good morning and left. I was happy and a little anxious about what is going to happen next because this is the first time I really make a bigger move in giving. And the Lord tell me, be ready for disappointment. Ah, yes, I am disappointed but I was still happy because I did not self-condemnation nor complaint a sentence. Why disappointed because I was expecting Isaac not to return me anything, but Isaac say he will treat me the next time. Sounds silly right because why turn someone down when they have something to give us. Well finally I finish one chapter of Life Span Development text for the examination is 30 days away. Thank God.

That is morning.

After I bath, I just realized that I make someone waited as I forgot to tell Vri that she need not fetch me to school today. Sorry for the trouble. But I realize that we have a lot of differences but we have one common ground which we are melancholy. This is what I can conclude after deciding to continue to listen to her blogs so I can know more about her. I think as a friend I do need to give her my pairs of ears, listening her story and communicate with total empathy. Well as I pursue on my Internet search I read on some Christian articles on melancholic characters in the bible. I was motivated by what Moses and John the baptist and John the apostle and lastly David are melancholic yet a great servant of the Lord. I see the styles of their fall and the victory they had. All is because of God we won, when we are skeptical and overly critical we blind ourselves into our own perception and standards. This risk ourselves in falling into devil's trap and that we lose because of ourselves. We are intimate enemies of ourselves, that is what an old saying: "You are the worst enemy of yourself."

We have to be totally broken just like the bottle of alment oil. When it was not broken the fragrance will not be pour out and our lives is as dull as our perception of life and death on this world. Our vision is clear when we finally understand that we should only use the sight of our Lord. We can percieve things wrongly on our own, even the greatest sciences is just a guess, but our God's wisdom is absolute. Why not just view things on God's perception rather than ours? You choose.