Stories never told

Through life game, I learn a lot of thing and God really challenges me and making a lot of things real. His presence and His words are just like double edged sword that pierce through my inner-self. I was completely broken in front of Him, all the sins, all the weakness and imperfection. He has reveal the brokenness of our relationship, of how much love He has for me yet I left Him for other reasons. When I am in front of God, I am muted, because all I has is just fear. I finally realize everything should go accordance, I mean if I willing to let God's word to flow in me I have to live by His word, and in the process I know more about His word, but I just not strong enough to know more of His words.

I am emotional. I know. There is a reason God put this in me, why a man could cry for such a manner or was the sadness too great? I am confuse and disappointed every moment when I am sharing the Goodnews, sometime people turn away, sometime I was not available for some other reason when they find me, and some heard yet turn away, and the best part, I lost everything of myself. My living, my money, my fame, my power, I don't have the privilege to taste the taste of owning a house a car. Everything fades away just simply I don't find any time to fulfill all this. I am not good in making big money, too generous to give away my place for other people, so they have better chance than me. Was this foolishness or wisdom?

But what the bible say is true in Matthew 6:33, seek first the kingdom of God and all these shall be given to you. As I continue on, God really send in friends to help me on the living expenses, so to keep myself alive. Jesus once said to the disciples, :" If any of you wants to be my follower, you must put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross and follow me." These 12 do not work at all, live by faith which God will provide everything to keep them alive  to do what God wants them to. Next he says :" If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it, but if you give up your life for me, you will find true life." I've lost everything (including my life on this world) just to find a life and convincing everyone to leave everything behind just to find that life. I hope I did not lose faith as I practice this in the real world. Jesus continued, :" and how do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul in the process? Is anything worth more than your soul?" Absolutely nothing, what is success? If a success did not last, would it be call success? What joy could I have to see all my love ones in paradise. Then Jesus said :" for I the son of Man, will come in the glory of the Father with His angels and will judge all people according to their deeds." In the end, I don't think life is anymore a life if I keep the good news for myself and fear to share it. I really don't want to hear any of my friend say to me that I never tell them this ealier. In the end, they loses their lives.

I want to live a new life... it starts from now...

the time is ticking... and the tank is leaking... don't lose your life before you accept Christ!

What is wrong with these Christians?

"You don't know what real fear is when God conceal Himself and let curse comes in to your life." These words recently came in to my thoughts when I busy myself in enjoying my holiday. I saw the way how my family lived, and how I lived. God call us to live by His way not our own ways - this is a problem for us the demanding people. Always seeking presents from God hoping God will change us and the world of how we think it will be. When we see a friend so close to us and a devoted Christian develop a 17cm tumor in her womb, what comes into our mind was to pray to God that He may heal her and take the pain and fear away instantly. It was good and right to pray for healing wasn't it? But do we demand God heals her or desire God's healing so that His name maybe glorified? I had been in a confusion of the statement: "If you don't pray and exercise your faith and love, the thing we pray will cease to happen." Then I came out a formula:

Nothing wrong with this formula, yes. However it has become a way we Christians making a process like loging a coin and press a button on the vending machine then we get what we bought. We going to church attending as much church activities we could and thinking we are able to change by God with doing such act. Some believing giving tithes faithfully will restore his examination results, some believing serving as ushers in the church welcoming people warmly will help her cure her sense of insecurity while keeping herself as a single. We all came to church having motives behind, to get heal rather than really genuinely seek God and worship Him. So many sermon I heard in Sunday services doesn't seems to change me a lot, because I bored and tired hearing them again and again. However, there is something I missed, we had missed it - Humility. A true worshiper is humble and let go of all our thoughts and planning. Even when we are a very knowledgeable person, we will never stop ourselves from learning again what God has to teach us. When we feel bored, means something is not right, we are not exciting for God anymore, because we expect to learn something that we expect God to teach. That expectation is demandingness.

I don't blame those who do not get what is Christianity all about where there is no guarantee that people's pain are relieve, people's problem be solved. I do not see it weird when people left church because of disappointment of not finding the peace when they are in the church, it makes perfect sense sometimes when people argue their case with God that they wasn't treated fair (as Job in the bible did).

When people learn the meaning of true despair it breeds hope, because there is no way to go but depend 100% in God if you still believe - that is faith. Some people may see that Christians are crazy people, even sociologist have it this way, that Christians creating their own theory of God to depend on where something transcend their knowledge and the unexplainable. Creating a space for people to put their hope in where there seems no hope - that is faith created by man to form a God. I don't blame these sociologist, because they don't see God, they don't know the truth.

So what is wrong with these Christians? Some are crazy, some feel left out when invested some much time and effort in the church for what? Disappointed every moment and envy those who live better lives than us when they live by their own way. That taste like despair and mistreated right?

There answer to this question is: "We are not anymore the world's people, we were reborn in to God's family, and that what we longing will not be found in this world."

This is why my history fail

The history since form 1 to form 5 I failed all along the way because of what? It wasn't the truth of what we saw and what we collected from the truth. Why would Malaysia wanted to twist and turn the truth of our very own history became HIS-story... However, I would not accept what I studied and I confronted during the examination period, I couldn't afford to absorb something that is a lie, I don't feel like it make any sense of remembering and studying anyone's lies.

Same goes to the sociologist view on Religion it was totally an atheist view in the name of sociology! I couldn't study this anymore, anger burst in my heart, but why would I need to know something that is wrong just to get a better grade in my examination. Has knowledge have no truth in it? Ya I almost forgot this earth and all the knowledge in it is still a worldly one, to get a better stand, better grade, better jobs and better earning wouldn't escape that we are required to do something against the truth of God!

However, I needed this semester's result to be better and the next. I hope God understands...

Dreams or Vision?

I saw Joshua burn down and died where Bee Kim cries and mourned for the lost infront of the hotel gate (this was before their marriage). However he was burned but his flesh did not turn coal, yet he died. I saw the church torn apart, a lot of them struck in fear and left but three remains... I don't see the faces of those three who are still faithful. I don't recall what is the cause of Joshua's death under the fire, but I recall Bee Kim told me in the dream we must keep our faith to build this church, and to grow our faith is now! Bee Kim's grief was short but she is still faithful to God.

I hope what I see wasn't a vision but a dream, and I hope it will not happen. The lesson is our lovely leaders will not always be around us, one day we will too stand on our own. That we are not leeches that always depend on the faith of others to strengthen up but we have our own foundation in God. What I feared was my faith and others too, will they be shaken while our leaders are not around?

Whatever it is, this was a dream I dreamt almost 5 days ago. Today I saw another, I heard my brother Eric speaking in toungue, and what does this mean? I forgotten the previous part of this dream, but could it be that unconsciously I wanted my brother to be a Christian seriously?

Puzzled and speechless when I woke up this morning, I should bring this fragment along but I should move ahead out from this fantasy.

Autonomy vs Shame

My dear friend why do you cast your soul down, Oh my friend?

Wasn't that the scripture has said the Joy of the Lord is my strenght?

If you are not joyous how would the One love you most (God) be joyous?

Even as a friend seeing you defeating yourself, I am hurt, how much more it will be for the father who have created you?

I don't like to judge who you are, but I did, and I am sorry.

I always believe God has a great plan for you my friend,

I believe you are not who you really are and who God created you to be.

Why you wanted to choose your own way instead of the way of the Lord which works?

I bear testimony of Him who has help me,

He changed me from the inside out,

My thoughts, my feelings and maturity.

I don't wanted to boast but this is the greatness of God who has changed me!

If I may, I would wanted to say you are having problem in the second stage of Erikson's psychosocial stages.

From there you cling unto your parents and significant others so much,

you do not have your own stand?

This is the time for independence, if you retreat in the middle of the battle field, you will just clash on to the people behind you and blocking the movement of those who have courage.

If you are continuing with such fear, how much you can stand when the true persecution come?

If you continue with such fear, what can be done to glorify God?

Where is your faith my dear?

Where is your love my dear?

For true love cast out fear!

With faith all things are possible!

I will just pray that the fruit of the holy spirit will bear in you!

You have hear the spirit is willing but the body is weak, yes!

We have to be weak so God only can help you!

If you still cling unto yourself, you are digging a grave!

To dig a hole so hard  why not choose life?

Jesus say he came to give life but do you recieve it?

You believe you saved by Him but do you live like one that have been saved?

I am sorry that I desperated here, but this is out of the anger that God feels too.

However I wanted to thank you for your weakness and stuborness that I saw the time when I was like you. Thank God that He put you here with me, I learn a lot of things. I've earned it. I've earned the heart beat of God and I can see all my flaws too. But guilt has no power over me, shame has no power over me! Because there is no other name higher than the name of the Lord!

I hope you understand...

The New Crusade

While they were eating, Jesus took bread, gave thanks and broke it, and gave it to his disciples, saying, "Take and eat; this is my body." Then he took the cup, gave thanks and offered it to them, saying, "Drink from it, all of you. This is my blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for the forgiveness of sins. I tell you, I will not drink of this fruit of the vine from now on until that day when I drink it anew with you in my Father's kingdom." - Matthew 26:26-29

It has been said, the blood of a Lamb cleanses the sins of the whole world. The savior of all nation died and rose again in the third day. There is no such thing in the world that wouldn't have sacrifice. The Lord's final and greatest command is to love one another as he has love us, love our neighbour as ourselves and even our enemies. What happen next was Peter denied Jesus three times. So do I... I am not worthy, let me rot and die with the worms consume me. But the grace of the Lord is far more than what we think we are. Yes I am not worthy, but He is able to make me worthy because of His great love and mercy. So let me reborn again and truly receive the redemption. For so long I've hated the One had saved me, and jealous of Him, but what is that for? A thousand times I fail, to receive the grace of God, fail to give in and fully humble before Him, yet His greatest skill of persuasion wins over me - patience. His love I could never deny, fool am I who have seen it yet rejected it, how much more than those who have not seen this great love...

This time I will march on to my own city walls, for now I see who is the true enemy behind this whole treachery. I have been in his spell, a little indulgence, a drop of lust, and a cup of complacency tears down the temple in my heart, and the throne is empty. Let the wise pray the lesser of ourselves and more of God. Let Him be enthrone in our heart, let Him dwell in the temple He created in us. Let us give thanks and praise Him.

Today will be a new day, a new crusade which I conquer my life for Him, let Him have Lordship over my land for I am not the rightful ruler, my kingdom has already fallen, but now He gave me the strength on retrieving back the lost piece of land in my heart. This time He will march with me to retake the city and the temple which He had created in me. He personally sound the war drums for me and I heard it beating deep within my heart. This is the moment of glory. The Hero has come, and I shall have victory in His name. For I have deeper understanding Jesus already had won everything for us, and I shall not fear but only fear Him - The Holy One. And that I shall lay my life for Him who had lay His for me. For now I know, every step I take, every move, every decision is taken account of His redemption. I will only do my best in everything which glorifies Him, nothing more. Let me live a blameless life, continue serving others, loving them, showing every bits of righteousness. Let what He has taught me be meditated day and night.

For God is my courage, my source of love and energy. He will be my shield and my guard. His love is all I needed to live, it is just as simple as that. I will march on, for I know He is with me sounding the battle song in my heart, which stirls up the fire of my heart. Let Your invasion begin in me, my Lord.

Under siege

I am still a child. My mind is still a childish one, never will I think of others and carry the responsibility. The smallest responsibility. I never say it was easy to face any problem and obstacles, but I just needed guidance. Guidance? I know it is only God can give. All the worldly words of encouragement and inspiration can do little to motivate me. I feel nothing but to flee away and detached, yet in front of people I still put on the mask like nothing had happened. My thoughts are haywired, not a word came to me is heard, not a inspirational vision touch me anymore. Could I describe this a hunger for something that I couldn't name it. What had happened to you O my soul. Reluctant to give help and reluctant to be help yet thirst for people's care.

Adrian, I finally understand the feeling of inferiority. "There is so many people around in my life but I still feel the loneliness." I have friends, but they had do their best to help. I have leaders and elders above me thinking I would grow up and grow out from it. Yet I am thirst for something more, the thing just a like a hole in my heart that sucking in everything yet it is not filled. A vacuum which you were called Adrian, I shall be one too. I do understand why people needed so much of care and now I stuck in the middle going no where. Shepherds care for the sheep and hopefully they will grow up, but some sheep is like a vacuum, eating up so much grass you gave yet he did not grow. Your hope as a shepherd to the sheep was to grow up happily and one day towards maturity. I afraid I am disappointing you my dear. I afraid I have started to live a life that is not me because I am living up to your standard. Yes I am foolish. Who has taken away my vision and my ear, my heart cries to you who have stolen it away. I am as an idol which has eyes but cannot see, have ear but cannot hear. My cup is empty, and dried, admiring the cups of others being filled and overflows, when will it turns to me?

Who has taken my sense of responsibility? Who has taken away my cheerful heart? Who has taken away my understanding?

When I search within, when I look onto the mirror, when I saw my face, I couldn't recognize me anymore, what I could see in the face was sad and disappointed. I know it wasn't the end, and I know this is temporal, I am not defeated and I will not give up. But fighting a war which is outnumbered and out of plans, needed more faith and courage. Others see us charge out from the city gates named us fools, yes I am a fool if we charge in the all the places without a direction, but would you tell me we are fools if we charge in one purpose? Yes you will, but something the enemy do not know about us was the faith and courage we had. Faith is believing something true which you do not know what is it. We believe the truth is God's plan will be commence at His will, in His timing and He shall save us from the hands of the enemy. Knowing that our enemy is the devil and sin, he has set this trap upon me makes me feel I am useless and helpless, but I couldn't deny how big my God is, even I had been defeated and let people tremble on me, spilting on me and humiliates me of my foolishness. I know this is not all important, let the enemy mock me, let them rise their flag in my city, let them crush my city walls and kill off all my men and flocks. For I am truly helpless on my own. How long will you stay a far O God, have me and my people sinned against you? Is this the wrath of Yours sent to punish me? But God I just wanted to affirm you, I am weak that is why I had sinned, I have lost my way of becoming strong. My stronghold is now been overrun, and my enemy steps on my dead body. I have lost, but God will you avenge my lost?