Stories never told

Through life game, I learn a lot of thing and God really challenges me and making a lot of things real. His presence and His words are just like double edged sword that pierce through my inner-self. I was completely broken in front of Him, all the sins, all the weakness and imperfection. He has reveal the brokenness of our relationship, of how much love He has for me yet I left Him for other reasons. When I am in front of God, I am muted, because all I has is just fear. I finally realize everything should go accordance, I mean if I willing to let God's word to flow in me I have to live by His word, and in the process I know more about His word, but I just not strong enough to know more of His words.

I am emotional. I know. There is a reason God put this in me, why a man could cry for such a manner or was the sadness too great? I am confuse and disappointed every moment when I am sharing the Goodnews, sometime people turn away, sometime I was not available for some other reason when they find me, and some heard yet turn away, and the best part, I lost everything of myself. My living, my money, my fame, my power, I don't have the privilege to taste the taste of owning a house a car. Everything fades away just simply I don't find any time to fulfill all this. I am not good in making big money, too generous to give away my place for other people, so they have better chance than me. Was this foolishness or wisdom?

But what the bible say is true in Matthew 6:33, seek first the kingdom of God and all these shall be given to you. As I continue on, God really send in friends to help me on the living expenses, so to keep myself alive. Jesus once said to the disciples, :" If any of you wants to be my follower, you must put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross and follow me." These 12 do not work at all, live by faith which God will provide everything to keep them alive  to do what God wants them to. Next he says :" If you try to keep your life for yourself, you will lose it, but if you give up your life for me, you will find true life." I've lost everything (including my life on this world) just to find a life and convincing everyone to leave everything behind just to find that life. I hope I did not lose faith as I practice this in the real world. Jesus continued, :" and how do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul in the process? Is anything worth more than your soul?" Absolutely nothing, what is success? If a success did not last, would it be call success? What joy could I have to see all my love ones in paradise. Then Jesus said :" for I the son of Man, will come in the glory of the Father with His angels and will judge all people according to their deeds." In the end, I don't think life is anymore a life if I keep the good news for myself and fear to share it. I really don't want to hear any of my friend say to me that I never tell them this ealier. In the end, they loses their lives.

I want to live a new life... it starts from now...

the time is ticking... and the tank is leaking... don't lose your life before you accept Christ!