Boundaries in Dating

I am not going to write a full review of this book, but I am going to tell how useful it is as for Christian's dating life.

The sudden rushing up passion to know more about boy-girl-relationship (BGR) was started when I heard Pastor Earnest Tan, currently shepherding Bayan Baru Methodist Church (BBMC) introduce the congregation a book: "Kiss dating goodbye" well it inspire me to really desire to know more about dating life which also carries God along and imputing biblical values in it.

The another factor rush me in high was there are a lot more brothers and sisters in my current church are getting into BGR and I am one among them but I know my stand. Therefore I seek the Lord see what He's going to do with this. We had been warn and knowing that if we start any BGR now will risk the ability to serve the Lord and studies too. Indeed dating itself is a risk!

I have finished up to chapter 7, five days after I bought the book. I gain a lot of insight from it and it makes me think a lot of aspect that I probably missed when I examine myself. Still it flash back to the idea that before you can really love someone else you begin to love yourself first. Love itself reflects its aroma to the surrounding, a loving person is naturally attractive. However I am reinforced by this book that a strong friendship is needed before going into something more such as dating and marriage. Another thing I am reassure is that ourselves is the core of making the relationship last and blooming, we should examine ourselves the values we had, attitude, behaviour, levels of EQ, unfinished business from the past, your relationship with yourself and etc. Another insight had made me firm about what infatuation and love is and their differences. I can't manage to tell all what is in my mind now because it is too much to write here, so I can just explain it in specific context. I hope with this knowledge I can really help out all my brothers and sisters including me about BGR. I really desire to have this wisdom and I wanted to be a teacher as you all know I am becoming a member of Hope Kampar. BGR is my main topic and appears that I had been into a lot of knowledge in it but the not personal experience because I don't even have a dating relationship before.

What important is that we all should bring God along in the date if you were dating.

I am excited and wanted to have a word with Bee Kim when we meet. Its going to be great, and to my love insterest, the is a message to you...: "I am preparing to become a better man and for now I am sure that we best rooting ourselves in love and build it up in a matter of friendship that without romanticizing it and not in a fantasy but in reality."

Today's question:
- Do I really understand what is friendship?
- How do I know I am in a right direction in this relationship?

First Blood!

Though it was a motivation for me to study but the more I study the more temptation come telling me that it was silly and tiring when study. Tempted to sleep, tempted to play computer games. How would I rest my mind with such indulgence? If you had to know what is going on truely behind the scene of this blog, I the writer had numerous struggle within the mind. Why would I be such weakling to withstand the plague of the devil's tricks? Isn't the answer that I am weak because God wanted me to submit to his authorities so that I might get His blessing so I am strong in Him?

After struggling whole day yesterday, the voice in my head, the rush of anger for no reason, we do not know what might cause the sudden erruption of my emotion and maybe the unfinished business 15 years ago. I always know that somehow things from the past still emerging to interupt my life right now, the subconscious are unforgiving. Last time I was able to control my emotion by bring love and indulgence to the inner-self (little Thomas) which I recently totally detached from his attentions. Anyhow, he is I and I am him, so what is wrong? I did not suffer schizophrenia or any other psychopathological illness. Has my act of love not enough so that I had become neurotic? Then I ask myself what is the need in me unfulfilled? The answer is someone's quality time that it is impossible to get what is expected from her, so that is why I always try to spend time with her to get this desire fulfill. After the BGR seminar I was convienced that I shouldn't propose her to get into courtship yet and I am struggling all my way back to partnership level which are more tolerable. Does this need satisfied now? It should be, and I think it also will cause distorted relationship building too because I was sometimes errputed emotionally.

However I should teach little Thomas on how to focus on the right thing... See, 3 more days Midterm test for personality and cognitive psychology is up. I should have use these days fully on studying and concentrate fully of learning everything possible to face that examination. See through it, because as long as I assume my love and belongingness needs are fulfill by my brothers and sisters and from God that I can pursue on to the next level of motivation that is the need of esteem. Esteem of getting high grades in my class that I may glorify God with the grades that He blesses me. For sure I will give thanks for that for I started to practice thanking God always. Blessed be the name of the Lord!

To answer my sheperd's question: "What is your responsibility?" I will answer: "My responsibility is to live a life that shout God's fame, one whom bring God's glory, one whom make Him smile, one whom remained obedient and submissive to Him, one whom reflect His love to His people and one whom live according what God purposed me to live."

Dispite all struggle, I took it as a lesson for God say:

"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,

and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,

6because the Lord disciplines those he loves,

and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son."

- Hebrews 12: 5b-6 -

Geared Up!

Geared up! I finally found my motivation to study but it seems it is quite late to found it. But I tell myself it is not too late though when I was planning how I am going to cover all the topics it seems like it is impossible to finish everything. It happens that I had a feeling that this time it is not the same as like last time, I got a belief however this time though the time use for revision is miraculously little and still I can score well in my midterm. I don't know this feeling is a delusion or not or just simply a sense of responses to my inferiority complex?

However there are some strategies I implemented into this very moment of revision, to night it is impossible for me to go on because of tiredness, but I will start the whole process as the first sun raise. I wanted to thank God and also my friends who have been so eagerly to pray for me. I thank that God had heal my sickness and also recover my spiritual and mental health.

Perhaps the BGR seminar give me an insight that I should start with preparation to become a right person in the future. I am joyful that I finally can take all these BGR things easily because it has become a small matter in my sight. Not getting too emotional, that is what all about. Even though I may had been deceiving myself about whether I am loving someone now, but I know much more what to do better right now. Thanks for Mr. Doh, and Joshua.

Ok, till then I will update again. Good nite.

Headache, mental-ache

Sorry today no picture...

Damn headache recently, I already get confused has my brain pained or my mind? Is it both pain in the same time? Why am I so frustrated? Am I over burden with all kinds of responsibility and get myself hay wired? What is the symptom that I am overloaded? When is my drawback line? Should I let everyone else to lead the assignment? Because now I feel it was like I am managing all the assignment that I had in hand. Please la, I know everyone is busy of something, but I juga nak masa lapang untuk rehat ma... macam tak de ruang je nak tidur pun macan tak cukup... tidur satu hari 7 jam tak cukup ke? Kenapa kepala saya masih sakit? Hari ini saya sudah pun sihat banyak deh, tapi kat malam kot orang bagi saya masalah saje... Kenapa selalu benda yang tak baik berlaku berterusan? Bilakah saya boleh rehat secukup-cukupnya? Dah lah, tak mau sebut tentang itu lagi la, eh kenapa cakap Melayu pulak =.=

When I sick ya please don't burden me, because I already had a burden on my own, headache is a symptom for me to draw back a little, I should give them in charge, and what is the reason I take these responsibilities up? Is it I can't wait? or feel that everyone else is slow to action? My mind is obssessed by assignments and other unecessary attention, first is the obsession of Pengajian Malaysia assignment and the second I headache about is the Developmental trends in Malaysia, all the policies thing provoke me to think on something I repressed in my subconscious long time ago. I started to raise question, why Malaysian citizens have to be so skepticism about all the bad things happened in the country, why all of us have to be so single sided and bais? Why all of us wanted to blind ourselves to all the destructive things in Malaysia rather than to spend the energy to think of how to make a better world tomorrow? You said the policies of Government doesn't work out, it is bais in this and that and racism everywhere, you said Bangsa Satu Malaysia doesn't exist, you said there is corruption, but have you think how to overcome all these issues? If you are the politician today what changes do you want to make? What is the thing that you want to build and dispute? Have you ever think of to encouraging the bumis by internal motivation rather than external motivation? E.g. higher pay, more priviledge and other benefits, these are all external motivation... but what is the motive of giving them such "keistimewaan" have you all forgotten? All people who study Pengajian Malaysia, studied in envy, intolerance, and subjective, the government is trying to make it  clear to all the student about what is going on with their plannings, have you ever try to cooperate with it? If not then I hope there is a better reason on how to make it a better planning.

I somewhat often I have dream of politicians and country crisis, this is sure that in my unconscious I concern about what happen in the country, is just that I repressed it into my unconscious so I do not headache over these darkness among politicians and citizens. I don't know, but I am sure this time the assignment I am going to shoot everything out that has been troubling me since long ago, and try to solve it in a harmony manner. I try to study the purpose and truth within the government and its values and see what can I do about it. What I try doesn't promise a change in anything, but I just want to learn more and see what truth can I reveal to all people to understand more. If I am passionate enough, the riot since 13 May 1969, I can make one movie out of it to make the nation to realise the violence of misunderstanding and without love. Ah! Where is the context of love within a country? Do everyone knows what is the true meaning of love? You fools! I bet you all don't understand, I pray that one day you all will foolishly awaken by God and make this country a revived country.

I am no body to say anything right now, but when the time come, if it is meant to be my time, then I will shed my patriot's blood on this land. No love, you have no commitment. No love, you have no direction, you are blind. No love, you have no hope and trust. No love, you would not understand. No love, you would not endure for it. No love, you will not die for it. Mana cinta kepada negara anda? Has you all fools think that love is simply lust? Have you fools think that love can blind you? Is love for you is just applied in sex not for relationship? What is love to you then? Have you ever treat others as you treat yourself? Now I have transcent my knowledge of love in a more higher level, but have you? Love without action is no love! Our today's situation is just vulnerable as the time of kesultanan Melaka, where Sultan Mahmud take over Sultan Manshoor's place!

I met a couple of police today caught my friend for riding motocycle without helmet, and they did not corrupt but give saman straight to him, and this has started my fire that there is still obedient servants in this world. Obedient because they believe they put their hope as an example to the people around them, and obedient because they still love their country and do what is must to maintain the balance of justice and peace. I hope that God will one day revive Malaysia and make this country a better country for the future generation sake. Things has been hidden from us nearly 10 decades, shall we review it and see through it with love but not out of tolerance? Should we better love one another than to foolishly blind ourselves and live a non-authentic life? Should we play with invisible parang or should we better not to play any kind of parang at all?

I think too much for these few days, please forgive me if I have been to harsh in my usage of language, but this is the way how I express myself. I am sick, having cough and soar throat and headache, please do not let me suffer because of the folly mindset that we all have, I am tired, I am not a man that can withstand large responsibilities. Please forgive me.

In love and frustration
-ThomasLifeScript-

It is clear

There is much more things revealed in a shine of the light. The shadows in us uncovers, all the shame, fleshly desires, hidden truth, and the ugly truth is written all over our faces and bodies. There is much truth that we can't deny, but to accept the true nature as what we are created here for. What I am trying to say here is that everyone has their fleshly desires, which Abraham Maslow pioneered his hierarchy of needs. The needs for food, drink, fresh air, and suitable temperature in an environment. These are the physiological needs, and we are to have the desire to get it only to survive. Second level is the needs of safety, finding a shelter, bunker up ourselves from danger, and settle down in a peaceful environment. Without meeting up these needs, we are not going any futher to the next level of needs that is love and belongingness. Because of this need, I started a lot of thinking, do I really satisfied with this to get along towards self-actualization? Logically I did, I have lovely brothers and sisters in a church and a lot more friends outside in the campus, and lovely family that is increasingly intimate, most of all I have a loving Father who was and is in the heaven. Logically, I satisfy my needs in here, but there is still something missing.

Maybe I shouldn't use Maslow's theory on this one. Practically to explain these I should us the psychosexual theory by Frued. I am sometimes striving for sex and it is no good to me. All is in the wrong timing, wrong place and wrong motive. For some extend I will hate myself sometimes for not having self-control, but the Lord teaches us not to do self-condemnation. Am I sex seeking or love seeking? Lust and love they are not the same! And this is the truth. But one horrible truth is that man are created to be sexually active type, so I have to apologize here to all the girls, please tolerate the people who are doing something provoking these sex topic. I urge you sisters to understand the brothers that the inner nature somehow is like a monster, a sex machine, brothers suffers to control this behaviour so that the sisters are not stumble by the brothers. Please I urge you all to understand our situation.

I made an inference that women are created to control man's sexual behaviour, and man are made to give woman security and protection in a family. Or in other words, woman are more like woman when they know more about man, and man become more like man when they know more about women. I am not saying all these in sexual activity context, but it was about the sexual energy between gender. If you still can't get my concept you can refer to the old chinese teaching of ying and yang. The passive and active energy of life. Without sex human can't reproduce, without love human won't live.

Much confusion the devil has twisted into our mind, I am disappointed to see my dirtiness as so common among the people around my age. While I am doing my dedication on fund raising to sell cookies all around the hostles, what I find out is the responses that most of the students give. The first expression they give is that they talk about their BGR (Boy Girl Relationship) status, what cames across their minds are to give the gift to their boy or girlfriend. What about other friends that are around? What about the lecturer and tutors that you all appreciated about? Where are they in your mind? I was deeply pierce into my heart that I also do has the same mentality as they. I grieved in sorrow while I read about 1 corinthians chapter 7, that the truth is we are not necessary to get marry. Among my culture, marraige is one of the biggest event in each human lives ，“终生大事”. Once I despair towards my mother that I don't wanted to get marry, and wouldn't put an eye on a girl. Sometimes I hated girls for they are such seducing naturally, and I hated that I lost my mind into dirtiness. Why am I such a weakling that guard so lose of my own mind?

I am sick recently, maybe because I am sick, my body is weak, and so do my mind. I think the devil is start to plot attack against me again while I am in this desperate moment. I was tempted all the while to satisfy me fleshly desires for sex, computer games, slothing all the way, glutony, and folly act. I am not trying to be a perfectionist here, I was just to put myself living on the tension of maturity.(Warren, 2002) These are for some explaination why we are fasting, I do not know truely what is the meaning of fasting, but one thing I know is that fasting is to give away our rights, give away (not give up) our fleshly desires and feeds on the word of God which is our spiritual food. Man doesn't live on bread alone, they need love and all other physiological needs. See through it, I am sure I am transforming into something I couldn't imagine, but I am sure I am a bit more learning to be like Christ. Pray for my sickness and my spiritual growth. May all the Love, Joy and the peace of the Lord be with you all always. Amen.

Lesson of Vulnerable Emotion - Part 3

Lesson of Vulnerable Emotions – Part 3


Today could be my refreshment day, I know and I learn more about myself, I grow more stronger ever since this incident of vulnerable emotions. I hope she did too, I see this coming when I write the first part of my blog, she will be my victim. I was selfish and did not think about what her feeling is when I am frustrated and weak. She kept everything inside her heart so I couldn’t see whether she really do feel sad when I am sad. I am foolish, not until I realize my action has so much influence on her emotions. I cut her deep when I say: “let’s not be friends.” I did not realized that she was so sincere to help me yet that day I blame her for making me so emotional and lustful. I did not realize it not until I already lost it.

I am aware that every pain and suffering brings new lessons and wisdom to me, so this pain is very valuable and I appreciate it. This is because I had learn to become more like my real self that had been hidden from us, I know who am I, is just that I didn’t put an effort to be like me, this generates negative energy and I reflected it on to her. She not just simply mad at my personality, but she also mad about her self subsequently. I see that and I am aware of that. It is very normal that it happened, and it is very normal that we heal from our pains and learn from it. She hated me for not being confident enough, not active enough, and not firm in decision making, and childish. She don’t like to see a guy who likes her to be like that, he is not giving her the security and the qualities that would make each other happy, how would she accept him? If I were her, I wouldn’t give him a chance not until he learn to become a man who really can take up responsibility. She wanted to see the man who likes her to have love inside him, that he loves himself more so it will reflect the love to the others around. She would like to see a man stands in front of her, giving her comfort when the storm comes. Most of all she wanted to see the man in front of her doing things out of love, and for the sake of both happiness, this is because she will feels love when the man do things sincerely for her, committed, and realistic about raising a home in the future. No wonder she emphasize so much on studies, and don’t wanted that guy to think about her so often, because she don’t wanted that guy to fantasies himself in an unrealistic world of romance only. What she wanted is his heart of loving himself and giving service to everyone around, his friends, her friends, and including her.
I am sorry, and in the same time thank you for what has happened last Friday. I did hope you could recover soon and open your eyes and see the man changed, not because simply for you, but for himself too. When he is who he is, you will feel the difference. That is me. The real me that I wanted to show you. I know it has done already, it is just simply the matter of time, I truly wanted to say I gain maturity and self love after what is going on. For now we might not be friends, but I really hope to see we playing guitars together soon, maybe 3 weeks, 4 or maybe more… I will wait, even I have to wait until we had graduated. I’ll give you peace, and may the Lord’s peace be with you forever and ever. Do not let your heart to be troubled, when your heart is troubled is as much as you have died, but I wants you to live. God bless you.

Love ~ Lesson of Vulnerable Emotions

Lesson of Vulnerable Emotions
This morning when I wake up I saw her face and was hugging her in the dream, kissing her in the lips. However, I start to question myself, I am wrong of doing that? Because deep down in my heart, I do imagined I do that to almost everyone I say I felt in Love with. This is simply infatuated love wasn’t it? Suddenly, another question pop up asking: “Hey, what have you learn so far from your experiences with falling in love?” I think I still can not that question. What have I learnt? Yes I do learn how to act the love out by reading up reference on how should I act the love out towards other people. I learn to appreciate the girl I fall in love more and more, what I mean is from my love history, I did not have any dating relationship before, but I just silently loving someone and after not meeting up each other for sometimes, the love feeling fades. This is infatuation. I never meet up with someone that really get infatuated to me too. So I don’t know what it is feels like when someone wants to date me. I have this weakness, when someone tends to care more about me then I easily misinterpret their good deeds as wanted to date me. That is why I easily fall in love. For a dozen of case I had before, all of them is still infatuation, I never met with a true love before, though there is a little bit feeling of frustration, but I guess it is not the time yet for me to date someone. I always tell myself if I fall in love with someone and later lost the feeling or broken, it was God wanted me to meet up with a couple of wrong person (for my case is dozen already) so that I will truely appreciate my rightful partner when we meet up in the timing of God. I also start to wonder whether this time is the right time or not? I got up to be more and more committed myself to care and learn from her, more about her, what is her needs, what is good for her, what to give her, and etc. simply all giving freely. I really like it when we are talking about our own failures and weaknesses so that when we share that I really feel love. Because whenever we chat or talk, I am looking for something constructive, lesser jokes, people may find it boring, but I think she did not feel bored about talking all that, because I feel that she is also interested in sharing her own stories. Here by I wanted to thank her again, I really appreciate for what she has done in my life even she didn’t realize, sometimes she also blur whenever I say thank you to her. I really feel I am being cared because she willing to spend time with me chatting and talking, maybe it is because my language of love is quality time, spending time with me is loving me. She already had spoken my love languages maybe she don’t even know it. But the more time I spend with her, the more challenging it comes. Now I even doubt that is this what real love like? I don’t know what true love looks like. I just feared that this kind of relationship is just single sided love. I fear that she just wanted to be friend with me and nothing more, I so eagerly wanted a girlfriend maybe there are some reason from the past. E.g. I did not experience true love before, I did not given someone who really cares for me, and you may say what about my parents? Did they not giving their love to you? Yes of course they did, but I had already blinded because they hurt me deeply since I was very young, and especially my brother, watching him being abused. Until now I am still feeling the pain, and I am sinning for not forgiving my father. I needed love, I do not know how love myself, not until I meet her, she changed my life dramatically, and she don’t even realize it. I became less perfectionism, lesser temper, and I totally lost most of my evil thoughts. She make me become more realistic, more independent, more hardworking. I am alive again because of her. She saved me. God has sent this angel to me, God has show His love to me through her. I am very happy yesterday because I finally realise all this happening. I can’t hold it to say I thanked her. But what I really wanted to tell her is that, is this what it means, I loved you? In my heart, you already had loved me, just you don’t even realize it. If this passage make you feel embarrassed or bad, tell me so I will delete it. Tell me what to do, cause I am really lost. Lord, I really don’t know what to say but to shout at you that: “I Love this woman!!!”

Love languages

Like then only got love?

I heard some says if you do not know that person well you are unable to love him/her very well. Then I heard some says, you will only love someone that you like. You can’t love the person you don’t know. There would be enemy that you like too so (your favorite competitors), there are no problem with loving your enemy right?

The main problem is expressing the wrong language of love. There are five stated in Love, Sex and Relationship[a] which is

1.        Words of Affirmation – Spoken words, written cards or letters, emails, compliments

2.        Quality Time – Trips, walks, talking at home, undivided attention, one to one conversations

3.        Gifts – Celebration of special occasions; sentimental gifts; Things you have made

4.        Act of Service – Assistance with chores, kept promises, helping in little ways

5.        Physical Touch – Hugs, sitting close, back rubs, pats on the back

Find out your love language here <click here>

My Test Results:

Percent	Language	Score
17%	Words of Affirmation	5
40%	Quality Time	12
0%	Receiving Gifts	0
30%	Acts of Service	9
13%	Physical Touch	4

How to Interpret Your Profile Score

Your highest score indicates your primary love language. Your second highest score indicates your secondary love language. If two scores are identical, you are bi-lingual(you have two Primary love languages). If the scores of your primary language and your secondary language are close(for example, 10 and 9 respectively), it indicates both are important to you. The highest possible score for any one love language is 12. Having a clear picture of your primary and secondary love languages will explain much of your past behavior. Think back over the past and ask yourself, "What have I most often requested of my spouse?" Chances are your answer will lie within the scope of your primary and secondary love languages. You have been requesting that which would meet your deepest need for emotional love. Your requests, however, might have come across as nagging or criticizing and thus drove your spouse away.

Share you result here so that we can maximising the act of love towards each another. Please comment ^^