Memory Lightwaves ~~~ Part II

Until then the first outing activity was to go pangkor. (Nov 09')

Then heading Hope Kampar 2nd Anniversary. (Nov 09')

Then the next was Maggie's Wedding. (Dec 09')

Slowly I change gradually and then more and more committed in serving the Lord. Another good news in the same time was Vri is joining Hope Kampar in a miraculous way. I used to bring her along to Wesley Methodist last time but she skip church more often than I thought. Ever since the fall, I never had a chance to bring her to church because I don't even grow up both spiritually and emotionally. Well that was past ^_^

Next was Malaysian National Convention! The Core - 14th Anniversary

Vri reconfirmed her faith since then! (Dec 09')

Growing - Growing - Growing then falling - falling - falling

The formula is like that... so painful and depressing

But God had never left me alone. He is still there letting this plan of His molding me up =)

Then I remember we gone to vacation during the December, first was down to Klang and run around sunway, Bangi and you name it! Wait forgotten before we gone down we celebrated Jesus' Birthday in Kampar!

Ya the bak kut teh is the best in Klang woo hoo =P I miss it >.<

Then we went up cameron highlands then go home. Then say happy birthday to 2010!!!

Memory Lightwaves ~~~ Part I

As I flip through my Blogs I saw a revolution happened in my life. Its been one year now I joined Hope of God Church - Hope International Ministries (HIM) - Hope Kampar, whatever you wanted to call it.

The first day I set foot in Kampar, I started to seek out a church. With that eagerness I also seek the care from them, but only church I found, not the care. Last time I used to join Wesley Methodist Church and sometimes Kampar Chinese Methodist Church. I found that I am a stranger among them and did not really had much sense of belongingness. So I thought I need to join them more by associating myself in UTARcf (Christian Fellowship)

Well that is still not the answer because I did not have the perseverance to go their meetings which is 830pm at night and my class ended at 8pm. What a rush, without dinner without proper transport and with all the tiredness stretched from morning class until dusk... So I think it is also not so convenience for me to go there. Soon, without awareness my spiritual life getting hungrier and hungrier. Goes to church but my soul is not refreshed and soon dissapointed and left. Till this point when you flip back my blogs from Windows Lives Space, you will see me in a depression. So many spiritual attacks and I am unable to overcome it. Still hanging on my own strenght and did not allow God to solve it.

Kay Yong (Left) once talk to me that I need to depend on God no matter what, since it was proven that many times I had failed because I use my own strenght and seek to glorify myself. Bee Kim (Right) also once and until now monitor my growth more rigidly. But the post transformation life I will say if I did not see God's work with my own eye, I wouldn't believe that He really existed. So many times the devil deceives me and I let his lies entangles me. Then I am still foolish enough to let it be my guide of life. - Nihilism - an aspect of death. Maybe you guys have my Facebook add, the name Thomas S. Choo the S represents Schiffer, Ulqiourra's sir name (4th Espada from Bleach Anime) I was so much like him, Nihilism at first I thought it was powerful, but now I call it stubbornness!

Day by day has passed by, something changed. I come to the point I did not feel God at all. [now I know this called the process of spiritual adolescence] I had nightmares, restless nights and days.

Then I recalled it was the most desperate moment that I search even more emotionally on sense of belonging. I found Vri and with all desperation almost caught both of us ended up our friendship and become enemies. Then I visited a counsellor and from that day onwards I'm getting better a little bit, but still hanging on to own strenght and unwilling to let God take charge in my life. Finally I found little Thomas, the inner-self of me. Started to have a bridge to understand myself more and learned in order to love others first must learn to love ourselves.

Next Miller (Right) shows up while I and some of my classmates drinking beers in their house. I was jogging fiercely that night, but Miller approached me. He talked to me and bring me to a "pondok" and sang a song "I have decided to follow Jesus, there's no turning back, no turning back." That was so touch, that I couldn't expect a person like Miller that could give me the care and God's peace is in me. Since then I feel hope again, so I joined Hope Kampar.

(This are my classmates who drink beer together, see that Miller is on the top row most left?)

I can't remember so much what happened during that transition period, and the only thing I remember is my 20th birthday passed. And also was mooncake festival. Slowly I joined their activities more consistently. Still I was dissatisfied with the amount of care they given me.

Lesson of Brokenness

"There is always a war cry in my heart, my heart is flaming as my eyes gaze on you Lord. Thank you for the past whole month I rest in your peace and happiness."

The whole week has gone by and I know I am still in the midst of the enemy's attacking range. What I meant is the spiritual warfare... I never had rested like before after the string of events during the June intake program. I know I am tired, I know I started to worn out, but I know I serving the Lord. In 2 Corinthians 4:16 helps me a lot when in the moment of feeling worn off. It says: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."The counsellor in me always reminds me of whenever I walk the more attack it is, that is the right way to go. God never told us that as we follow Him we will not suffer, instead He had warn us that the world will eventually hate us. The land will curse us as the nation will rise against us. I don't think they understand why they are hating us too, just angered and rages because saw their own flaws and imperfections.

When the light is shining in the dark, all things revealed, shameful things, hidden sin, unforgiveness and hatred. When the salt of healing touches these wounds, he rages because of denial. Denial of the brokenness. What I learn is that we needed to accept our brokenness only can be heal, if you fear the initial pain of healing how much more will you bear from the pain that damages your soul? In 2 Corinthians 2:14-15 says: "Now thanks be to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and through us diffuses the fragrance of His knowledge in every place. For we are to God the fragrance of Christ among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing." I recalled that last time in Jewish culture in the history, a woman can earn a bottle of ointment from a year's salary until then this bottle is broken and pour on the body during marriage. The bottle is beautiful and also is very expansive, many people will think like this. But in order for the fragrance to release, the bottle must first be broken.

Same to our lives as Christians, we were like this. God had already annointed us the day we believe and accepted Him,(1 John 2:20,27) and most of the time we are unwilling to break the outward man or persona (2 Corinthians 4:16) to let the annointing flows out from us. We first must accept our brokenness only we can be heal. Still there are so many of us clinging on the way we were. Staying in the comfort zones unwilling to face the pain of the brokenness in our hearts.

Let us be real to ourselves... If you feel you are broken then let God heals it, everyone is wounded since birth, but only God can heals it. In order to heals it, you need to let God enter you and then you shall be whole. (Think this to your loneliness feel too, don't solve this loneliness feel by finding a girlfriend or boyfriend - it is worst solution ever!) Loneliness is also a broken part of us.

Who's Your Daddy?

Recently getting more and more exciting and even more and more temptation I had fallen in. There are more and more false teaching activities going around in this world. I may not be aware of them and thought they might already existed for a long time, but now I am aware of "it".

"Thomas, pray for the youth in BBMC" my friend Vanessa charted up. Later she explains the coldness of the church and even had nightmare of people being manifested. She had anxiety over these matters and insisted that she trusted in God's strength no matter what. That is a good and also a bad sign. I have already expected that BBMC will come until this stage, where merely all of them lost the awareness and the sensitiveness to the Holy Spirit. Thus, stagnation of spiritual growth occurred. I have witnesses many fresh blood who came here in this church drown themselves. People who were on fire, who passionate for God and serving Him but now most has turned into their own way and blind themselves with the complacency of what they had today. I see the abundance blessing God given in this church, the people blessed in their career, their studies, talents and all kind of things that I wish I could even own some here. I admire what God has blessed them but all of them use it for their own living and forgotten God. I am sad.

"Thomas, they do not know Jesus." said Vanessa, I was affirm by this statement. I really hope people in BBMC will revive and everyone take ownership of their spiritual life. I do not want to criticize or anything because I can't concluded anything yet. I hope I could remain at the level to confront with love. I wish to come back to visit you again BBMC. I must talk to your pastor to make myself understand what BBMC is going through.

After this incident I started to understand why Paul is so passionate about his ministries. I understand what God had prepared in me. I wish I could be another man after His own heart.

Lord I felt the emptiness of my mother church, please have mercy on me and also for them. Lord I pray that they may open up their eyes to see you. I really desire to see the revival of BBMC that youth started to grow up spiritually, building up disciples instead of believers, building up unity among themselves and my there be love and joy and peace empowering them. Lord I pray that you will open up their senses to the works of your Holy Spirit. So that this church will be a blessing of many. In Jesus name. Amen!

The time has come...

"If your weapon can become your enemy's weapon the opposite is also true." - The Law of battle. Anyhow all these philosophies are only human interpretation of their observations. It is also true in our eyes and logical thinking. However I see how the devil rise up in this place and I felt his anger towards our actions. Anger turn your enemy into his wrath and rages upon you, in our eyes and senses, the enemy had grown drastically stronger.

Within these few days I observed a lot of things happened in our church. It is something common to all of us and yet we treated it as unthreatening, more like “it was the way it is” thinking. I was amazed that even our leader Bee Kim herself was unable to sense the seriousness of the condition that every member in Hope Kampar were in. I wish I could be more sensitive to the changes in our church. Therefore I can observe and take precaution. After so many events has been successfully done in the past and the biggest trap we could face was complacency and the next is losing focus of what we are doing. The condition I spoke off is similar to what Miller has observed ever since he steps into this church. The disillusioned unity of our church, we thought we’d won but it was going in the opposite direction. We thought V-camp can build us all up, but it was half true. We unify then later builds up the barriers again; we are working as one body of Christ wasn’t it? Why I didn’t see it? As things gone worse such as communication broke down, misunderstanding, conflicts, all of these little things that is so abstract that most of us are unable to detect the destructive factor it could bring. In short I believe we God didn’t leave us like that, all these destructive forces builds up because the church maturity is still unstable, sometime it was hot and sometime it was cold, now has become cooler because of what? As I observe prayers are getting lesser and even fewer people could become an intercessor. Last Thursday was a great day because God is with us and empowering us, even there are a lot of mistakes but the outcome is greater than we thought. The second welcoming Life Group which is on Tuesday was a big shock for me and some of my friend, I was also unaware of the situation but as Vri told me what she sees I was able to see the seriousness of prayer lacking condition. Tuesday left only a few people intercede for the whole event and the next is the people’s respond to us in a cold manner. These new friends left and where are our brothers and sisters that supposed to maintain contact with them? More hurting is the conversion of Stephie that after service she gone home alone with her friend walking. We are not going to build disciples like this. We are worst and always watching each other who risk a chance to become a sheep killer is futile, because we all had become one. We become something that we swore to destroy. What is building discipleship? Do you not know how important this is? After viewing those videos and experiencing the mission Sunday we had last Sunday, what changes has been made?



The devil is surely unhappy about us, but we should not let him win because Jesus has victory over him already why not we take refuge in Jesus? Why can’t we let God take over us and build us up with love because in the bible said: “You are joined together with peace through the Spirit, so make every effort to continue together in this way (Ephesians 4:3). Most of all, let love guide your life, for then the whole church will stay together in perfect harmony (Colossians 3:14). We can’t stay as we were right now, soon we will be destroy even before the devil use his ultimate weapon to destroy us, that we first already destroying ourselves. Not to mention here there is a lot more “Other Forces” out there that most of us didn’t aware of is their movements. They are strong and they shouldn’t be working together because their beliefs and values are different. However the fearsome goals of theirs were to eliminate us, no matter how different it is they are to each other they have a common goal. It is getting interesting, our church started to become stagnant towards growth and the other forces are getting united and became stronger. I would pray for God’s mercy on his people that we will stand up for Jesus.

June Fresh Air

Recently some of us getting sick and cold, what a sudden change of weather can done to us... Thank God I still remained healthy. What I worried most is the accapella team that they everyday had to practice from 9pm - 11pm these three days before the real things up and even worse because they are having school from 8am - 6pm. Tomorrow is the real day for performance, it is for welcoming the freshmen that newly came to this town of Kampar. I really hope that this welcoming CGs can hit our goal of making them friends and help them in campus adjustment lives. Ultimately I am hoping that they come to know God too thought meeting up with us. This is how we sow the seed to this town. I do have the desire to see more people is added in to the kingdom of God each an everyday.

Tonight we are going to practice again, and Joshua and some CG members will be here to listen and give comment to us, I hope we can be perfect tonight, tomorrow and next Tuesday. We have to take good care of our health, our voices and our mind. I really felt it for Rushin that she has tried her best to sing the part which she fear the most, I wanted to encourage her and in the same time I admire her eagerness to pursue on improving what she is weak at. She is one talented singer and especially singing jazz styles, everyone loves her. On the other hand she is still a pre-believer, I hope she understand her commitment that she put to help us out in the accapella. I deeply thanked that she willing to help us through.

Its tiring I believe, I and Jessica and all others PICs must have prepared all they can to make this welcoming CG become a fun and exciting event to make friends with freshmen. This makes us see more clearly what does it means to love your God with all your heart,  all your soul, with all your mind , with all your strength. (Mark 12:28-30) Joshua and Bee Kim advised me that we should save more strength for talent night and anniversary, that is why the welcoming event is ran by care group and not by the church. However we are really committed to make as light as possible for the welcoming CG, in low cost yet high value. The wisdom God gave us to manage all this represent how we love our God with all our mind and the commitment is our heart. With refreshing joy and love we enjoyed in fellowship while practicing we are loving God  with all our souls. The physical strength that we use even though is tired after coming back from classes, we still hang on and practice at the night, we really love God with all our strength we can give. Thank God for supplying us so that we can do this for Him.

This is just a beginning though, it will be a lot more busy for other programs that are coming up, we really need to take care of our health and manage well our time for studies. This is how we are growing up in the faith, the spirit and the mind. As Jesus has set the example "and Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men." (Luke 2:52). The growth in spiritual maturity, intellectual maturity, physical maturity, social-emotional maturity.

Let's shine for Christ. ^_^ though we are tired, we can do it!

The enemy of my enemy is my friend

Have you ever heard a word saying the enemy of my enemy is my friend? And have you ever heard another saying "Your closest friend is your worst enemy." My dear Thomas, what a nightmare you dreamed last time emerge again, just like the tooth fairy in bed time story that haunted your soul until you are already a grown up? The fear strucks and my skin freeze, not a muscle in my limb moves. I was stunted. The ghost from the past is still haunting me now. My most fearful enemy is myself, the ghost I've always fear to solve its riddle has come back to urge me give answer to it. The fear of being watch and critique. The fear of not doing it right then next sounds of laughter and the tongue of malice disgust me. The fear stops me from getting what I need. I needed growth, I needed to learn how to cope with my leadership skill problem. I needed to learn how to manage people and task well. In the process I needed a monitor, a watchman to coach me but I fear being watch. Still why am I so hang up onto my own perfectionism?

A surface relationship doesn't hurt you much as they don't mean so much to you. The most hurt is when it is afflicted in a deeper relationship. As I always feared that when I associate other people I feared leading them. I always or rather being led type, though I am full of thoughts and observant but not as observant as when I leading something. Why does these 2 things doesn't come together? Be very observant while leading. If led some organization that the people I not really know them, when it fails it hurts but very little and the organization disperse. No further relationship build. But not this time, I am leading my own kin. The people whom I call them family, and not just any family but the family of Christ. There is no room for me to fear now, no space for resentment, no turn around but going forward. Because I know God is giving this opportunity for me to learn how face the haunting ghost in me. The riddle couldn't be easy to solve but it can be solve, it takes experiences and time to learn it and acquire it.

Indeed fear is my enemy and become avoidance to face problem also is my enemy, but fear is the enemy of my enemy then fear is my friend. It is signal for me turn on the brain towards growth. Thanks for that creation.